Go on and shave me, said I, interrupting him again, and do not speak. That is to say, replies he, you have some urgent business to go about; I will lay you a wager I guess right. Why, I told you so these two hours, said I, you ought to have done before now. Moderate your passion, replied he, perhaps you have not maturely weighed what you are going about: when things are done precipitately, they are generally repented of. I wish you would tell me what mighty business this is you are so earnest upon: I would tell you my opinion of it: besides, you have time enough, since your appointment is not till noon, and it wants three hours of that yet. I do not mind that, said I; persons of honour, and of their word, are rather before their time than after. But I forget that, in amusing myself by reasoning with you, I give into the faults of you prattling barbers: have done, have done, shave me.
The more haste I was in, the less haste he made: he laid down the razor, and took up his astrolabe; this done, he even laid down the astrolabe, and took up his razor again. The barber quitted his razor again, and took up his astrolabe, a second time; and so left me, half shaved, to go and see precisely what o'clock it was. Back he came, and then, Sir, said he, I knew I was not mistaken, it wants three hours of noon, I am sure of it, or else all the rules of astronomy are false. Just Heaven! cried I, my patience is at an end, I can forbear no longer. You cursed barber, you barber of mischief, I do not know what holds me from falling upon you, and strangling you. Softly, sir, said he, very calmly, without being moved by my passion: you are not afraid of a relapse: do not be in a passion, I am going to serve you this minute. On speaking these words, he clapped his astrolabe in his case, took up his razor, which he had fixed to his belt, and fell a shaving again: but, all the while he shaved me, the dog could not forbear prattling. If you please, sir, said he, to tell me what business it is you are going about, I could give you some advice that may be of use to you. To satisfy the fellow, I told him I was going to meet some friends who were to regale me at noon, and make merry with me upon the recovery of my health.
When the barber heard me talk of regaling, God bless you this day as well as all other days, cried he: you put me in mind that yesterday I invited four or five friends to come and eat with me this day: indeed I had forgot it, and I have as yet made no preparation for them. Do not let that trouble you. said I; though I dine abroad, my house is always well provided. I make you a present of what is in it; nay, besides, I will order you as much wine as you may have occasion for, for I have excellent wine in my cellar; only despatch the shaving of me presently, and pray do not mind it; whereas my father made you presents to encourage you to speak, I give you mine to make you hold your peace.
He was not satisfied with the promise I made him: God reward you, sir, said he, for your kindness; but pray show me these provisions now, that I may see if there will be enough to entertain my friends: I would have them satisfied with the good fare I make them. I have, said I, a lamb, six capons, a dozen of pullets, and enough to make four services of. I ordered a slave to bring them all before him, with four great pitchers of wine. It is very well, said the barber, but we shall want fruit, and sauce for the meat: that I ordered likewise; but then he gave over shaving to look over every thing one after another; and this survey lasted almost half an hour. I raged, and stormed, and went mad, but it signified nothing, the coxcomb never troubled himself. He, however, took up his razor again, and shaved me for some moments; then stopping all on a sudden, I could not have believed, sir, that you would have been so liberal; I begin to perceive that your deceased father lives again in you: most certainly I do not deserve the favours with which you have loaded me; and I assure you I shall have them in perpetual remembrance: for, sir, to let you know it, I have nothing but what comes from the generosity of honest gentlemen, such as you; in which point I am like to Zantout that rubs the people in bathing; to Sali that cries boiled pease in the streets: to Salout that sells beans; to Akerscha that sells greens; to Amboumecarez that sprinkles the streets to lay the dust, and to Cassem the caliph's life-guard man. Of all these persons, not one is apt to be made melancholy; they are neither peevish nor quarrelsome; they are more contented with their lot than the caliph in the midst of his court; they are always gay, ready to dance and to sing, and have each of them their peculiar song and dance, with which they divert the city of Bagdad: but what I esteem most in them is, that they are no great talkers, no more than your slave that has now the honour to speak to you. Here, sir, that is the song and dance of Zantout, who rubs the people in baths: mind me, pray, and see if I do not imitate it exactly.
The barber sung the song and danced the dance of Zantout; and though I did what I could to make an end to his buffoonery, he did not give over till he had imitated, in like manner, the songs and dances of the other people he had named. After that, addressing himself to me, I am going, says he, to invite all these honest persons to my house: if you take my advice, you will join with us, and balk your friends yonder, who perhaps are noisy prattlers, that will only teaze you to death with their nauseous discourses, and make you fall into a distemper worse than that you so lately recovered of; whereas, at my house, you shall have nothing but pleasure.
Notwithstanding my anger, I could not forbear laughing at the fellow's impertinence. I wish I had no business upon my hands, said I; if I had not, I would accept of the proposal you make me; I would go with all my heart to be merry with you, but I beg to be excused, I am too much engaged this day; another day I shall be more at leisure, and then we shall make up that company. Come, have done shaving me, and make haste to return home; perhaps your friends are already come to your house. Sir, said he, do not refuse me the favour I ask of you; come and be merry with the good company I am to have; if you were but once in our company, you would be so well pleased with it, you would forsake your friends to come to us: let us talk no more of that, said I, I cannot be your guest.
I found I gained no ground upon him by mild terms. Since you will not come to my house, replied the barber, then pray let me go along with you; I will go and carry these things to my house, where my friends may eat of them if they like them, and I will return immediately; I would not be so uncivil as to leave you alone; you deserve this complaisance at my hands. Heavens! cried I, then I shall not get clear of this troublesome man this day. In the name of the living God, said I, leave off your unreasonable jargon: go to your friends, drink, eat, and be merry with them, and leave me at liberty to go to mine. I have a mind to go alone, I have no occasion for company: besides, I must needs tell you, the place to which I go is not a place where you can be received; nobody must come there but me. You jest, sir, said he; if your friends have invited you to a feast, why should you hinder me to accompany you? You will please them, I am sure, by carrying thither a man that can speak comically like me, and knows how to divert company agreeably: but, say what you will, the thing is resolved upon; I will go along with you in spite of your teeth.
These words, gentlemen, made me very uneasy. How shall I get rid of this cursed barber? thought I to myself. If I do not snub him roundly, we shall never have done contesting. Besides, I heard then the first call to noon-prayers, and it was time for me to go. In fine, I resolved to say nothing at all, and to make as if I consented to his proposal. By that time he had done shaving me; then said I to him, Take some of my servants to carry these provisions along with you, and return hither; I will stay for you, and shall not go without you. At last he went, and I dressed myself nimbly. I heard the last call to prayers; and made haste to set out: but the malicious barber, jealous of my intention, went with my servants only within sight of the house, and stood there till he saw them enter his house; having hid himself upon the turning of a street, with intent to observe and follow me. In fine, when I arrived at the cadi's door, I looked back and saw him at the head of the street, which fretted me to the last degree.
The cadi's door was half open, and as I went in, I saw an old woman waiting for me, who, after she had shut the door, conducted me to the chamber of the young lady I was in love with: but we had scarcely begun our interview, when we heard a noise in the street. The young lady put her head to the window, and saw through the grate that it was the cadi, her father, returning already from prayers. At the same time, I looked through the window, and saw the barber sitting over against the house in the same place where I had before seen the young lady.
I had then two things to fear, the arrival of the cadi, and the presence of the barber. The young lady mitigated my fear of the first, by assuring me the cadi came but very seldom to her chamber; and, as she had foreseen that this misadventure might happen, she had contrived a way to convey me out safe; but the indiscretion of the accursed barber made me very uneasy; and you shall hear that this my uneasiness was not without ground.