Nevertheless, the Welchmen being cursedly thick-scull’d, they are so far from being Plotters, that they swear they will never fight for any King upon Earth, but the Prince of Wales; because there can be no true Royal Blood running in the Veins of any great Man, but what borrows his Title from their Country, let him be born where he will: And considering what wicked plotting Times we now live in, no Body can blame them for their Cautiousness of being hang’d; for tho’ it is a Death natural to them, yet they say, sleeping in a whole Skin is best. Not that they value hanging, but only they abhor the Death, unless the Office is perform’d a by a Welch Hangman, instead of an English one.
They are much inclin’d to Choler, for hur Welch Plood is soon mov’d, and then hur stamp and stare, and scrat hur Pole, and vent hur Fury in Ud-splutter-a-nails, and will fight for hur Life in Battle at fisty-cuffs. They are polite in nothing but Faction and Sedition, for there are high and low Church Parties among them too, which occasions much Contention and Quarrels.
The Musick a Welchman plays upon, is a Tool stiled an Harp, with which, when Sustenance fails him, he strikes up for a Morsel, and so lives by Sounds, and (Camelion like) hath Alimony from Air. He serenades Victuals in every Village, as the pide Piper did Rats at Hamel, and he allures Luncheons after him, as much as the other did Vermin: Here a Nob of Bacon wags after him, for one Strain; and there a Crust follows him, as the Reward of another; one hits him in the Mouth with the Payment of Pottage, another pops him in the Pocket with the Gratuity of a Carrot; all which Variety of Fragments is the most ample Income, and wonderful Revenue of his Skill in Musick. His usual Admirers are Country Milk-Maids, whom Vibration of String doth move and stir into Jigg and Measure; and whom Breeze of Instrument (like those in Tail) do chase and tickle into Dance and Caper.
I could not perceive that the Welch were guilty of much Learning, which made a Man skill’d in Orthography admir’d as a Sophy; and a Writer of his Name, to be term’d a Rabbi. As for the Loves of the Britons, the Intrigues of their Amours are not a little remarkable, they being very pretty Animals when disguis’d with that Passion: They are Tinder to such Flames, being quickly set on fire, even by the least Spark, which when it hath catch’d the Match of their Souls (for they have Brimstone in them as well as in their Bodies) they are presently kindled into Transport and Extasy; and these model them into the Shapes of a thousand Anticks, and make them shew more Tricks than old Preston’s Bears. Sometimes they are shaking the Globules of their Noddles, and sometimes dancing some Geometry with the Figures of their Feet; now they smite with Clapper of Fist their troubled Breasts, and anon sound out some Knels of dismal Groans; being variously affected as the Weather is in their Clorinda’s Faces; if Aspect be clear, then is Taffy serene; if brow be cloudy, then is Morgan Showry. Whilst I was in this Country, I heard of a Welchman that went a wooing with a Gun upon his Shoulder, being resolv’d (it seems) if Love be a Warfare, not to enter unarm’d into the Camp of Venus; still as his coy Daphne shifted from his Presence, he march’d musketeering about the Room, and most fiercely pursu’d her, till at last in the brisk Encounter of a close Embrace, this warlike Instrument took an Occasion somewhat unmannerly to go off, and blunderbuss’d the Mistress on her Breech on one Side of the House, and poor Taffy on his Nose on the other; so that being much dismay’d at this unhappy Accident, one scrabled one Way, and the other another, to the utter spilling of a Mess of Love, and total Separation of a Pair of Lovers for ever.
They are pretty devout in their Worship, tho’ the Exercise of Religion is somewhat scarce, and have a pretty glowing Zeal, tho’ their Churches are few, and at a great Distance. ’Tis almost incredible how far they are fain to trudge for a little Homily; which when they have expected, have been mump’d with a Sermon ten Times worse. For on such raw-bone Livings, there cannot be expected very plump Parts. The ordinary Revenue of a spiritual Preferment may possibly be about five Marks per Annum; a Bay of Watling for a Dwelling, endow’d with no more Glebe than just what it stands upon, only perhaps it may be how-stall’d with as much Ground as may hold a Sty for the Pig, and a Roost for the Pullen. These divine Cottages are usually situated some Leagues from the Temple, so that the Holy Man with Crab-Tree Truncheon sets out with the Sun, and stretches his Legs with a good handsome Walk, before he arrives at the Pulpit to stretch his Lungs, and wears out much of his Soles before he can reach his Stall to mend their Souls, Their Houses of Prayer are generally thatcht Tabernacles, which are wainscoted towards the East with little Desks, like Pounds, where Levite imprison’d for about half an Hour, fodders the poor Taffies with some melancholy Tear-fetching Story about a grim Fellow call’d Death, who ambles Folks on his Back into another World; a Thing which he heard from the oracular Gums of his edentulous old Granum, as she sate on the Settle in the Chimney-Corner. Some of the most reverend Rectors are dignify’d with a Stipend of six Pounds a Year, besides the Perquisities of a Drum and Fiddle; which well manag’d on a Holiday, make up a very pretty Thing. Others have an Augmentation of a Bull or a Bear, which being solemnly baited about twice in a Quarter, do pick pretty comfortable Tyth from the Spectators Pockets, and makes the poor Parson’s Purse to smile and mantle.
As far as I could perceive, the Welch People love Holiday Fingers, and care not much for encumbring them with that Inconvenience call’d Work. They can (Shepherd like) loll upon a Crook pretty handsomely in the Field, and can discharge a Superintendency over the Goats. They are most accomplish’d Drovers, to which laudable Function they are so naturally prone, that they are apt to drive sometimes more than their own. They are much addicted to the Sin of Nastiness, wallowing in Filthiness like so many Swine; so that the whole Nation seems but a general Sty. The meaner Sort of Women are generally such draggle Tails, that the Cattle in their Bosoms are quag-mir’d in the Filth of their well-gleb’d Attire; so that the frisking Fleas are so far from Levalto’s, that I was verily persuaded they can scarce pull out Proboscis, and their Feet from the Bogs. The Tenements they live in are suitable to the Guests that possess them; for as these seem to be Dirt moulded into Men, so those are the same Matter kneaded into Houses; they are usually very humble Cottages, and low in Stature, so that a Man may ride upon the Ridge, and yet have his Legs hang in the Diet. I was not so vain as to expect very splendid Furniture in such contemptible Huts; but I soon perceiv’d what Utensils were most necessary, a Dish-Clout and a Besom, and such cleansing Implements are very proper to correct the Filthiness of their Mansions. I found no Apartments in these their Habitations, every Edifice being a Noah’s Ark, where a promiscuous Family, a miscellaneous Heap of all Kind of Creatures did converse together in one Room; the Pigs and the Pullen, and other Brutes either truckling under, or lying at the Bed’s-Feet of the little more refin’d, yet their Brother Animals.
But that which I admir’d most of all amongst them, was the Virginity of their Language, not deflowerd by the Mixture of any other Dialect. The Purity of the Latin was debauch’d by the Vandals, and hunn’d into Corruption by that barbarous People; but the Sincerity of the British Tongue remains inviolable. ’Tis a Tongue (it seems) not made for every Mouth, as appears by an English Gentleman one Day in my Company, who having got a Welsh Polysyllable into his Throat, was almost choak’d with Consonants, had I not, by clapping him on the Back, made him disgorge a Guttural or two, and so sav’d him. Whether the Welsh Tongue be a Splinter of that universal one that was shatter’d at Babel, I have some Reason to doubt, in Regard ’tis unlike the Dialects that were crumbled there. However, ’tis now cashir’d out of Gentlemen’s Houses, there being scarcely to be heard even one single Welsh Tone in many Families; for their Children are instructed in the Anglican Idiom, and their Schools are pædagogu’d with Professors of the same; so that (if the Stars prove lucky) there may be some glimmering Hopes that the British Tongue may be quite extinct, and may be English’d out of Wales, as Latin was barbarously Goth’d out of Italy.
But in fine, being quite out of Conceit with the short Commons I met with in this Mountainous Country, which was much inferiour to the delicious Dainties of Water-Gruel, Bread and Butter, and Small Beer, allow’d to the poor Lunaticks of Bedlam, after they come to pig in Straw, and have their Heads shav’d as an Introduction to Phlebotomy, three or four Times a Week, I e’en bade adieu to the miserable Taffies, and made the best of my Way to England again, to recover that Flesh in a plentiful Nation, which I had lost in a Land of meer Poverty and Famine.