THE
Comical Pilgrim’s Pilgrimage
INTO
SCOTLAND.

Being returned out of Wales into England again, I was no sooner got into London, but thro’ an avaricious Temper, I soon began to haunt most of the Gaming-Houses in Town, which Day and Night were as well cram’d as the Groom-Porter’s Table. In these Schools of inevitable Ruin and Destruction, I lost a great deal of Money, and when too late to recover it, I began seriously to reflect with myself, that let a Man be ever such a good Gamester at Cards or Dice, yet so many Sharpers were always flocking about him, that they would drain his Pockets in spite of all the greatest Favours of Fortune; or else how could these Gaming-Houses clear sometimes 100 Pounds, but never less than 50 or 60 Pounds a Night, besides paying Salaries to the several Officers depending solely on them? For there Commissioners are maintain’d by whom the Weeks Accompt is Audited, viz. Directors, who Superintend the Room. Operators, or Dealers at Faro. Croupees, to watch the Cards, and gather the Money for the Bank. Puffs, who have Money given them to play, in order to decoy others. Clerks, who are Checks upon the Puffs, to see that they sink none of that Money. Squibs, who are Puffs of a lower Rank, having half their Salery; Flashes, who sit by to Swear how often they have stript the Bank; Dunners, or Waiters; Attornies, or Sollicitors; Captains, who are to Fight any Men that are Peevish, or out of Humour at the loss of their Money; Porters, who at most of the Gaming-Houses are Soldiers; Ushers, who take care that the Porters at the Door suffer none to come in but those they know; and Runners, to get Intelligence of all the Meetings of the Justices of the Peace, and when the Constables go upon the Search: Besides giving half a Guinea to any Link-Boy, Coach-man, Chairman, Drawer, or other Person, who gives Notice of the Constables being upon the Search.

Now to break myself from this bewitched Gaming, I bid adieu to Hazard, Backgammon, Tick-tack, l’Ombre, Picquet, Cribbidge, and Basset, and was resolved to take a Pilgrimage into Scotland, where I found the Inhabitants addicted to no sort of Game but One and Thirty, at which they are as dextrous as a Milk-Maid at Dancing on May-Day, with one Foot upon the Ground, and t’other never off; for from Fergus their first King down to Charles the First, whom they Sold for a Sacrifice to Stratocracy or Army Power, they had Murder’d no less than Thirty One of their Sovereigns, which is just the Game at Regicide: Hereupon to call them Traytors is a Favour, for they will hatch Treason as soon as they do Chickens at Grand-Cairo, by the Adoption of an Oven; but now the Scots are bound to their good Behaviour, by a Union, they ought to be as Circumspect in their Loyalty, as the Ambassador that Beds a Queen, with the nice Caution of a Sword between them.

It is said that Scota the Daughter of Pharaoh King of Egypt, who was Drown’d in the Red-Sea, gave Name to Scotland, when she went thither, and betwixt which People and the valiant English, a Quarrel continued longer than ever did any between any other two Nations in the World, for they have most obstinately contended (like Rome and Carthage) for Empire above 2000 Years; which is the most tenacious Suit that ever depended between any two People in the Court of Mars. Since the Norman Invasion, there have been 30 pitcht Battles betwixt us and them; of which the English have obtain’d of the Scots at least four for one, and those of greatest Consequence. The South Part of Great-Britain being Champian, hath been sometimes in its Borders harrass’d, and laid wast by the Scots, never possess’d, but their Country, defended by inaccessible Hills, and by two invincible Enemies, Hunger and Cold, hath been wholly reduc’d by the English, who have Slain four Scotch Kings, and took two Prisoners; whereas they have never Slain nor took Prisoner one English King, to whom the Kings of Scotland were Homagers for a long Time.

Those Scots, who dwell by the Sea, dung their Land with the Weeds which it casts on the Shore; and all Women throughout the Country in Writing use their Maiden Names after Marriage. About the High and Solitary Hills of Genap I saw good Store of Magpyes and Goats; but few Hogs, to whose Flesh they bear as utter an Aversion as the Jews; and among all their Flocks of Sheep, where you’ll see one White, there’s ten Black, so that you may soon know a Scotchman from a black Sheep. The farther I Travell’d, I observ’d Geese were not over plentiful; Parsnips very scarce; Venison not to be had for want of Deer; Boys Knitted, and Men, Women, and Children went bare-legg’d.

As for their Coyn, the most remarkable of their Coyning is a Baubee, which is the value of our Half-penny, bearing the royal Effigy on one side, and on the Reverse the Thistle and Crown, with this Motto, Nemo me impune lacessit. In the Kirk-Yard at Girvan are several Carv’d Grave-stones; and at the Kirk-Door in this Town are fasten’d Jogs or Brad-Irons to Chains three or four Feet long; which are put round Persons Necks, who Swear, get Drunk, or break the Sabbath. Thus by countenancing Religion in allowing their Pastors to have an Authority over Misdemeanors, it is that the tumultuary Scottish Institution has gain’d Ground, and insinuated itself into popular Credit and Esteem: For on every Sunday, when the Office of the Day is over, they have a Kirk-Sessions, wherein the Minister, with a Number of his Congregation Elected to that end, is Authoriz’d to meet and take Cognizance, and to punish all Offenders the foregoing Week. So some such Authority, and a few more insulting Priviledges, seem to be some of those Desiderata’s aim’d at by our pretended Reformers of Manners in England, to make up their Temporal Advantages, under a specious show of designing to restore the more Primitive and Christian Discipline. But I hope this Age will never experience what it is to come under the Pharisaical Constitution of such pious Cheats. Nevertheless, since Knowledge without Virtue has abus’d the World with too much Impiety, I applaud that one Thing of the reforming Societies in England, in putting poor Children out to Trades; for of what Use is Learning (any farther than Reading and Writing) to ordinary Vocations? Whatsoever exceeds, is Useless, and makes them Pragmatical: Moreover, as it is not their Happiness to obtain Advantages of a more liberal or academical Education, it will much more commend the Goodness of their small Breeding, that they have learnt to speak Truth rather than Latin, which the Masters of our Parish Schools understand not; and that they are more knowing and exact in the Rules of Justice (a transcendent Quality unknown to some of their Benefactors) than the Distinction of Languages.

In my Journey not far from the Town of Ayre, many Sales are to be taken on the Sea-Coasts; but on the Land not many Pidgeons, nor great Store of wild Ducks: However, the Country is well stockt with other sort of Foul, as foul Plates, foul Dishes, foul Trenchers, foul Knives, foul Forks, foul Napkins, and by Heavens foul ever thing else, even to their very Women, who you’ll see standing on a Saturday by a lolling Wash-block, which is a Wooden kind of Anvil, where the She-Vulcans are hammering out with Battledore, or else with their Feet in a washing Tub, the Filth of Linnen, whose unctious Distillations are the Nile that water’d the little Egypt of their adjacent Gardens. Staring very earnestly with all the Eyes that I had, as if looking thro’ a Perspective Glass, I perceiv’d every Scotchman’s Face usually bubbled into Bubbles and Pustulees, besides the natural Hout-goust of Body that breath’d from Oatmeal, which made him send forth an Artificial Smell, which you might wind as far as the extream Unction of 20 Romish Funerals, only the Scent is not so Sweet; besides the bonny Scot smells as rankly of the single Stink of Brimstone, as a Goldfinder, alias, Tom-Turd-Man of a Medley; for a scurvey Disease, commonly call’d the Scrubbado, otherwise the Itch, makes frequently an Inroad into his Person, and invades his Body; so that he is forced to choak his Enemy by Stink of Sulphur. ’Tis a Creeping Distemper, whose Progress is checkt by Mortification, so that when he leaves off his Shirt, that is, when it leaves him, and can hang on no longer, it is excellent Furniture for a Tinder-Box, as virtually containing in it both Match and Tinder.

The common People wear Plads and Bonnets, which is a great Fashion in this Country, where the Postman goes a Foot; and poor Folks eat the Stalks of raw Kale. The Elders of the Kirks on Saturday night duly haunt the Ale-houses, which they call Changes, to turn out People to prepare themselves for the Sabbath; and Women here ride astride, without any Danger. The Kirks or Places of Worship have all one Bell, rung by an Iron Chain; but put at either End of the House of Prayer, without any Distinction of East or West, so that Travellers must not look upon their diminutive Steeples for the Guide of a true Course to the Compass.