What I say, in this Respect, is the common Practice of Mankind in Things of another Nature: The Husbandman, if he has got a Tree in his Orchard, that has grown a long Time, and has bore no Fruit, he cuts him down for Fuel, and plants another in his Room: Why may we not do the same by the human Batchelor Trees; especially, since they are grafted on so good Stocks, and are so well watered and pruned? That is a very ill Sort of Seed that will fructify in no Soil. It is the same Thing in Government; a Batchelor is a useless Thing in the State, does but cumber the Ground, and takes up the Room of a generous Plant, which would be of great Advantage to the Commonwealth. I tell you, Madam, according to the Laws of Nature and Reason, a Batchelor is a Minor, and ought to be under the Government of the Parish in which he lives; for, though he be a Housekeeper and for himself, as they call it, yet, having no Family, he cannot be reckoned a good Commonwealth's-Man; and, if he is not a good one, he is a bad one, which ought not to be suffered; nay, he is not a perfect Man till such Time as he is married, for it is the Woman is the Perfection of the Man.
Politica. Madam, I know you are endowed with true English Principles, pray consider, whether the Law you mention be not destructive of Magna Charta, since, without Cause or Offence, it deprives a Man of his Property, and takes from him the Estate which legally descended to him from his Ancestors.
Sophia. Madam, I find you hold me to hard Meat, I must give Reasons for the Passing of my Bill: I argue thus, A Person who has broken, and forfeited his Right to the Magna Charta of Nature, ought to have no Protection by the Magna Charta of Englishmen: I prove my Proportion thus, A Batchelor of Age, as such, has broken the Laws of Nature: Increase and Multiply is the Command of Nature, and of the God thereof; now, having broken the Laws of Nature, he ought not to have any Protection from the Laws of England, because such, as have Protection by those Laws, do contribute to the Support of those Laws, which an adult Batchelor does not do according to the Constitution of Magna Charta: Our Fore-fathers purchased the Liberties of Magna Charta, with the Hazard of Life and Limb; they sealed that Writing with the Blood of themselves and their Children, and, after the same Manner those Privileges were procured, must they be supported and maintained; now a Batchelor contributes little or nothing to the Support of our Freedoms; the Money he pays in Taxes is inconsiderable to the Supplies given by others in Children, which are an Addition to the native Strength of the Kingdom: Money is like the soft and easy Showers, which only cool and moisten the Surface of the Earth; Children are like the soaking Rain which goes to the Root, and makes Trees and Vegetables fructify for the Use of Man: Indeed, my Dear, a Batchelor can, in no Sense, be esteemed a good Englishman.
From the Reasons aforesaid, I cannot think the Batchelors are injured by my Bill. Acts of Parliament ought not to respect private Interests; they are made for the Good of the Community, for the Advantage of the whole People of England, and you shall seldom find any Act passed, but what is to the Detriment of some particular Persons: We thought it no Injustice to prohibit the Importation of East-India Silks, notwithstanding the Detriment thereby accrued to that Company; and perhaps put all the Ladies in Court and City into the Murligrubs. These Things the good Parliament never considered, but passed the Bill in Favour of the Multitude of Weavers in this Kingdom, who get Abundance of Children for the Support of the Nation, and which must have starved, if foreign Commodities had been imported to the Destruction of the Weaving Trade. The Batchelors, that would come under this Statute, are but an inconsiderable Number, compared with the aggregate Sum of the whole Kingdom.
Politica. Suppose, Madam, your Reasons should weigh with the House of Commons: There is another Sort of Batchelors, that answer the End of their Creation, and yet are not married; I mean such as multiply their Species on Misses and Concubines, which, in plain English, are Whores: Nay, they can content themselves to do it with their female Servants, who serve under them for that Purpose; these will find a Way to creep out, if you do not bind your Act very close.
Sophia. That is well thought on, upon my Virginity! It is true, these are a dangerous Sort of Creatures; Concubinage and Whoring are grievous Sins, both in the Sight of God and Man; and the Divine Laws, as also the Laws of England, are very strict against such Offenders, and yet you see they do find Holes to creep through and escape Punishment; but the Law I propose will tie them fast: For, do but observe it, Madam, those Laws are best executed, that bring Money into the Exchequer; every one would be a Fisherman, if the Fishes came like St. Peter's, with Money in their Mouths: I dare engage, I will sooner get a Warrant to search for prohibited uncustomed Goods, or to seize Brewer's Copper for Non-payment of Excise, than I can prepare a Warrant to search a Bawdy-house: Do but once make it appear, that Godliness is Gain, and I will warrant you a thorough Reformation of Manners. Now my Act does this Thing to a T; I make Men honest and virtuous, and, by doing so, I make the Government rich, and ease the Subjects in the Burden of Taxes. And I dare engage, if ever you see my Bill passed the Royal Assent, you will find it well executed.
Politica. That is according to the Honesty and Virtue of the Commissioners and Assessors, appointed for that Purpose; if they are not virtuous and honest, they may lessen your Tax, and cause a Deficiency. This has been the Effect of letting Landed-men assess Landed-men, and Tradesmen assess Stock; when, if a Tradesman had assessed Land, and a Landed-man had assessed Trade, being so very different in Interest, they would have raised the Fund to the Height. Therefore, my dear Sister, be cautious in this Point, take my Advice, I am your Senior; let no old Fornicator be an Assessor, Commissioner, or Collector of your Duty; he, that has in his Time loved a Bit of old Hat, will be tender in Punishing the Sin of his Youth; with him exclude all such as were Batchelors before the Passing of the Act; they will suffer, nay, contrive a Deficiency, that the Act may be repealed. In short, let none be concerned in the Assessing or Collecting of this Duty, but such as have many Years lived with their Wives in conjugal Chastity, and by them have a very numerous Issue; these, I will warrant you, will take Care to bring the utmost Penny into the Exchequer.—But, pray, how do you design to punish such of this Sort of Batchelors, that will not comply with your Act? I hope you will allow them a separate Maintenance; you will build them an Alms-house also, will you not?
Sophia. As the others are used like Fools and superannuated Persons, so we will use these like Madmen. We will build them a convenient Bedlam, wherein every one of them shall be chained about the Middle to a Post, like a Monkey; we will feed them with low Diet, as the others, and once a Month they shall be blooded and shaved. To aggravate their Crime, we will make every one of them a Tantalus, by bringing every Day handsome Ladies before them, who shall laugh and jeer at them, and then turn their Backs upon them.
Politica. I protest, Madam, you are very cruel: Would you be willing to be served so yourself?
Sophia. Yes, Sister, when I refuse Matrimony upon good and equal Terms: Pray, do they not do the same by us? Are not we daily presented with the Sight of Batchelors of good Estates, who come to us under Pretence of lawful Courtship, to prosecute an unlawful Amour? They come to us like Butterflies to Flowers, to spit Maggots on us, and then leave us to be devoured by Infamy and Scandal: There is no Punishment bad enough for these Monsters of Men; I would fain have my Will upon them one Way or other; either by Marrying them all out of hand, or by Punishing them for Living single.