Politica. I do indeed think a Levelling of Marriages is the most reasonable Thing in the World; Mankind is on a Level in all Things but this; one Man has Wit and wants Money; another has Money and wants Wit; a third has Strength, and wants both Money and Wit; one is poor and contented with his Condition; another has no Peace of Mind, nor Satisfaction, amidst all his Riches, but is, amongst his Bags of Money, as a Person in Little Ease or Bridewell; so that Nature seems to have designed a Level, only we raise Mountains and Hills on Purpose to deface the Works of Nature. But, Sister, here's one Thing yet to be considered, that there are several young Gentlemen born to good Fortunes, who would marry me or you; but they are kept from it by the Advice of their Parents. Now, though I would have such punished as are unmarried with good Estates in their own Possession, yet would I have some Respect to those who would and cannot: There is Mr. ——, he often gives me Visits, he loves my Company, his Eyes talk of Love, which is more than his Tongue durst so much as mention; for he tells me, the Beldam his Mother, and the old Curmudgeon his Father, have made a Resolution, that he shall never marry but with a Woman of five-thousand Pounds Fortune: But, says he, if they die, I'll marry where I please: They may live a long Time, and, if I should stay for him, by that Time, Beauty may have lost its Charm; and some younger Phillis, or other, may interpose and get the Prize from me. For Love, Madam, is the most fickle and changeable Thing in the World: My Wit will last as long as my Virtue, and both these are not lessened but improved by Age. But did you ever know a Man that loved a Woman for Virtue and Wit? No, there are other Attractives which make so great a Sound in the World, that they drown the low Voice of Virtue and Wit.
Sophia. I would have these old Folks, that hinder their Children from Matrimony, as severely punished as the old Bachelors: The fabulous Punishment of leading Apes in Hell is not enough; I would have them punished even in this Life. I pray God send them some such Distemper as the Pox; which, in this Life, is the Punishment of Adulterers and Whore-mongers; Nay, sometimes they are caught and pay dear enough for their Trifling with the Years of Youth, and not entering the Bounds of Matrimony, till the Time of their Doatage. I will tell you a very pretty and true Story:
A certain Doctor of Divinity of the University, aged about sixty Years, from the Profits of a good Benefice, and other comfortable Church Emoluments, together with a thrifty Life, had acquired an Estate of five-hundred Pounds per Annum; but the pious Churchman, being still desirous of a larger Share of the good Things of this Life, thought of Ways and Means of aggrandising his Fortune. No better Way could he think on than Marriage; for, he having lived a Batchelor, and, by his Industry, procured such an Estate, he thought his Spiritual and Temporal Endowments deserved a considerable Fortune. After he had made many Enquiries among his Friends and Acquaintance for a suitable Help-mate, called a Wife, with a sufficient Quantity of Money, he pitched upon a Justice of the Peace's Daughter, about ten Miles distant from his own Habitation. The young Gentlewoman was about sixteen Years of Age, and had ten-thousand Pounds Portion. Her Money made an Atonement for her Want of Years, for the Bags and the Girl were just old enough for the Doctor.
As soon as the Doctor had Intelligence of this young Lady, he pursues the Notion with all the Vehemence imaginable; and hereupon one Day at Dinner he breaks Bulk to his Man John, and tells him of his Design of Wedding, and orders him to get his Horse ready the next Morning early, and likewise another for himself, to accompany him Part of the Way, which he accordingly did; and, after John had travelled with him about half Way, he was dismissed by the Doctor, who travelled on by himself till within a Mile of the Justice's House, where seeing an old Hedger in the Way, he asked him, If he knew Esquire—— He told him, Yes, he had Reason so to do, for he had been his Servant above thirty Years; and that he had married his Wife out of the Family, who was also an old Servant of the 'Squire's. Well then, says the Doctor, you must needs know his Daughter, Mrs. Anne. Yes, I think I do, says the Hedger, she's a fine young Gentlewoman, and my Master can give her a Power of Money: I will tell you what, Doctor, I understand Trap; I fancy you have a Mind to Mrs. Anne. Why, replies the Doctor, What if I have; what then? Why then, says the Hedger, my Master being a hugely rich Man, and my Mistress a young Woman, he may think you both too old, and not rich enough: And therefore, Doctor, if I might advise you, I would first have you see how you like the Girl; it is good to look before you leap. Which Way can I do that, quoth the Doctor? Oh, quoth the old Man, let me alone, I can contrive that well enough. Hereupon the Doctor gives him a Broad-piece, telling him, he found he could do him a Kindness; and that, if he did it, he should never want, for he had five-hundred Pounds a Year, besides Spiritual Preferments. Aye, says the old Man, I have often heard of you. I do not question but we shall bring the Matter about: My Master has a great Respect for the Church. Pray, Sir, go a little farther to my House, and I will give you a Cup of the best, and some good Bread and Cheese, and there we will consider farther of the Matter: I will warrant we will contrive the Business well enough.
With all my Heart, says the Doctor. Away goes the Doctor more freely than to Church, and the Hedger as if he were going to the Wedding. When they were come to the House, and eating the best it afforded; says the Countryman, Master Doctor, if I could get Mistress Anne to my House, Would not that do well? Rarely well, quoth the Doctor, if you can but compass it: But does she ever come hither? Very often, says the old Man, to see her old Servants. But how will you contrive it? says the Doctor. Leave that to me, quoth the Hedger. Away goes the old Fellow, and enters into Discourse with his Wife; says he to her, I am minded to put a Trick upon the Doctor: The good Wife in a Passion replies, You S——, you old Fool, you put a Trick on a great Man of the Church: Hold your Tongue, Goody Simpleton, says the old Man; I find the great Doctors bred at the Versity have no more Wit than we Country Folk: Get you gone immediately to the 'Squire's, and take my Daughter Joan along with you, and pray Mrs. Anne to dress her in her best Cloaths, for there is a Gentleman at our House desires to see her in such a Habit. Now you must understand their Daughter Joan was about the same Age and Stature with Mrs. Anne, and had a great deal of Beauty, obscured by homely Country Weeds, and she had by Nature a pretty Stock of the Mother, Wit of the Knave her Father; away trudges the old Woman with Joan her Daughter: Her Request was no sooner asked but granted, and Joan was presently turned into a little Angel, by the Help of Mrs. Anne's Accoutrements. The Doctor, you may be sure, waited with much Impatience all this While; sometimes in Hopes, and other times in Despair. But the Hedger, standing with his Face towards the Way, at length espies his Wife and Mrs. Anne (for that must be the Name of Joan at present) coming towards the House; the old Man begs Leave of the Doctor to go and meet Mrs. Anne, and conduct her to the House, which he did presently, by running cross a Field; he made abundance of Scrapes and Cringes to Madam Anne, with his Hat in his Hand, and then, stepping behind her like a Footman, he followed her Home all the Way, instructing her how to manage herself in this weighty Concern.
When they came to the House the Doctor receives her with abundance of Ceremony; the Countryman also made some rustick Bows and Compliments, and tells her, it was a great Favour in her Ladiship to come in a Visit to her poor old Servants, and humbly intreats the Favour of her to sit down; for, though the Gentleman present was a Stranger to her Ladiship, he was a Person of Quality, a learned and rich Doctor of the Church, who, in Humility, peculiar to the Clergy, had vouchsafed to give so poor a Man as he a Visit. With much Coyness Madam Anne sits down, and, having made a Bow from her Seat to the Doctor, she asked her old Servants, how they did. The Doctor being smitten with the visible Part of Mrs. Anne's Portion, and ruminating on the invisible; the old Man thought it was Time to retire, which he did, by leaving a Scrape or two on the earthen Floor with his Foot.
The Doctor had now what he came for, and to Work he goes; he had forgot Thomas Aquinas, Dunce Scotus, and other unintelligible cramp Authors. Philosophy signifies nothing in an Amour, and Logick of itself is enough to curdle a Virgin's Milk; therefore the Doctor accosted her with all the soft Expressions he could remember in Ovid de Arte Amandi, which, the Learned say, is the only Way to know how to resolve the difficult Questions in Aristotle's Problems; and, the Girl having Heat of Beauty enough at that Age to warm a Stoick, by the vehement Attraction thereof the Doctor joined Countenances; but never did a poor young Lady receive Kisses after a more modest and coy Manner; and well might she blush at such an Exercise; for the poor Creature never smelt Man before, and it was the first Time that ever she saw the Doctor.
After the Doctor and Mrs. Anne had been above an Hour together, in steps the old Man; the Girl she modestly retires, as well for Instruction as to give an Account of how Things went; in the mean Time, the old Man asks the Doctor how he liked the Lady, and what Encouragement she gave him? The Doctor, being ravished with the visible and invisible Qualifications of Mrs. Anne, expressed abundance of Satisfaction, and how happy a Man he should be if he could obtain his Prize. Says the old Man, At her again, Mr. Doctor, she is a brave good-humoured Lady, and I told her sufficiently what you are: Says the Doctor, Prithee canst not thou get us something good to eat and drink; here's Money, if thou canst. Away goes the old Man, but first got Mrs. Anne into the Room with the Doctor, which was done with many Intreaties, and performed with a wonderful Modesty.
We will leave the Doctor and Mrs. Anne hard at Work on the Anvil of Courtships, whilst the old Woman and her Husband are getting Supper ready, which they were so long about, that it grew late, and Mrs. Anne was just going: The Doctor, you may be sure, intreated her to stay, and the old Man and Woman solicited very hard on the same Account, telling the Lady, that they had nothing worthy of her Acceptance, but the Honour she would do them, now they had a great Doctor of the Church at their House, would be very great. In short, they argued so much, that Mrs. Anne was at length prevailed upon to stay; the old Man whispers the Doctor, that he had kept Supper back on Purpose that he might have the more of the young Lady's Company, and therefore advised him to make the best Use of his Time. Certainly, never any young Lady made her Lover so happy at the first Interview; to Work goes the Doctor, he courts like a Dragon; with an irresistible Fury he lets fly whole Vollies of bombaste Rhetorick at her Head, enough to beat a poor Country Girl's Brains out; no Stone did he leave unturned, but persists in his Courtship, till interrupted by the old Man's Bringing in the Supper, which, we may imagine, could not be less than a couple of Cocks with Bacon, and it is well, if the Fowls did not come out of the Squire's Coop, as well as the Cloaths out of his Daughter's Wardrobe.
Down sits the Doctor, having first placed Mrs. Anne at the upper End of the Table, and, having said a short Grace, he desired the old Couple to sit down, as did also Mrs. Anne; but they refused it, saying, They should not be so impudent as to set at Table Chick by Chowle with a great Doctor of the Church, and their Mrs. Anne, who agreed with the Doctor to make them both sit down, which at last they did, in Conformity to the Church and their Mistress; and so they all fell heartily to Pecking till they had consumed the whole Provision.