How pleas'd the disappointed Fop was with my Poetry, I know not; for I ne'er went again to my New Lodging to enquire after 'em.
Well, said the Goldsmiths Lady, I ne'er heard of a prettier Intrigue before and I dare say you serv'd 'em very handsomely.—But pray proceed.
Another time, I serv'd a Goldsmith's Prentice a pretty Trick; For having been abroad about some business, and coming home i'th' evening, a young Spark, exceeding Beauish, (with a New Modish Suit of Cloaths on) that had been drinking hard all Day, would need be picking of me up, when I did'nt at all intend it. But seeing him so earnest for a Bout, that I cou'd'nt get rid of him, I had him to a House I was acquainted with by th' way, and there after a heartening Cup or two, and having handled his Posteriours, to see he didn't put a Trick upon me, I let him have what he so eagerly desir'd; and diving into his Pockets i'th' mean while, I found he had but one poor single Shilling left; which vext me so, that I resolv'd I wou'd be even with him another way; and therefore when he had done what he'd a mind to do, I presently call'd briskly for a fresh Bottle of the Best, which whilst we were drinking, I said Well, Spark, as a Reward for your excellent Performance, which has been beyond my Expectation, and shew'd you to be a good Womans Man, I will divert you with an Entertainment worth your Seeing. Come, it shall cost you nothing; only I must beg the Favour of you to unrig, and lend me your Cloaths for half an hour; and I will bring you a Mant and Petticoat to wear the while; and you shall see a Jolly Crew of Active Dames, which will perform such Leacherous Agilities as will stir you up to take the other Touch, and far out-vie whatever has been either done, or related to be done, by Madam Creswel, Posture Moll, the Countess of Alsatia, or any other German Rope-dancer whatever. The Spark was extreamly tickled with the Fancy, and presently uncas'd himself; and gave me all his Bravery, and was so over-forward, that he not only gave me his Cloaths, but his Rings, Cane, and Hat, and Wig; so that he left hinself nothing but his Shirt and his Stockings; and the Mistress of the House being my Friend, I borrowed of her an old Mant and Petty-coat; which the Fool of a Fop put on. I told him I must intreat his Patience for half an hours time, till the Company was Drest, and so went down Stairs; and telling of my Friend how it went, and we being to go half Snips in the Booty, I went off with the things, which I pawn'd for about four Pounds, keeping his Rings to my self, and left my Landlady to manage the rest. After the Disrobed Spark had waited for the space of an hour with great Petience, and longing Expectation, for this Comical Show, and no Body came at him, his Patience was quite tir'd, and therefore knocking with his foot, the Maid of the House came up, of whom he enquired for such a Person, as well as he could, describing me. The Maid pretended an intire Ignorance of the matter, and so whipp'd down Stairs again. But he knocking again, up comes the Mistress, who seeming to take him for a Woman, ask'd him, What he would have? He answer'd, Such a Woman to whom he'd lent his Cloaths; but she not only made her self Ignorant of the matter, but call'd him Bitch, Whore, Cheat, Pick-Pocket, and all to nought, concluding her Harmonious Harrangue in this manner, Ye dirty Drab, don't think to put your Cheats upon me: You came in here with a Spruce Young Man, and for ought I know you have Pick'd his Pocket, and sent him away, and now you go about to Cheat me of my Reckoning; but that shan't do ye Whore, for I'll have my Reckoning quickly, or else I'll Strip your Gown off your Arse; but the poor Rogue having no Money to pay, she forthwith stript him of his Mant: And thus half Naked, in a Petticoat slit up to the Breeches; an old broken pair of Stays, and a few Ragged Head-Cloaths, he was kick'd down Stairs into the Street. And being willing to know the end of this Comical Adventure, I had planted one to watch what he did: Who followed him at a distance till he went into an Alehouse in Foster-Lane, where my Spy went in after him, and called for a Pot of Drink; and there heard him tell a Lamentable Story how he was robb'd by some Foot-Pads (as he came from Hampstead, where he had been to see his Uncle) who had stript him of all his Cloaths, and given him those things to cover his Nakedness: The People of the House compassionated him very much, and lent him a Suit of Cloaths, Hat and Wig, with which he went to his Master's, who was a Goldsmith, and liv'd at the sign of the —— in Cheapside.—And I appeal to you Madam, whether he wasn't serv'd in his kind.
I think, reply'd the Goldsmiths Lady, you are very happy and Ingenious in all your Contrivances; and for ought I know, might have contributed more to reclaim him from those Courses, than all the Lectures and Sermons that could have been Preached against 'em; for one wou'd think he should have but little Mind any more to those Sweet Meats which were attended with such sower Sauce—But pray go on with the Story of your Life.
Madam, said she, having continued for many years with my Mistress, where we kept very good orders, and liv'd in Reputation also among our Neighbors, for we went constantly to Church, not only to make a shew of being Religious, but to expose ourselves to the view of the Gallants: For our Mistress or Governess always ordered us to follow her, and to take all opportunitiss, as we came down Stairs from the Galleries, or as we past over the Kennels in the Streets, to lift up our Coats so high, that we might shew our handsome Legs and Feet, with a good fine Worsted or Silk pair of Stockins on; by which means the Gallants would be sure either to dog us 'emselves, or else to send their Footmen to see where we liv'd, and then they would afterwards come to us themselves. By which means we have got many a good Customer. And when we came home from Church, we generally, if we had none of our Gallants with us, spent our time in reading of Play-Books, that we might know the better how to entertain our Guests with witty Discourses. Having, I say, spent several years in this calling, and got some Monys by me, our Mistress happened to Die; and I finding the Decays of Nature come upon me, and that I began to grow unserviceable, I bought the Goods and Furniture my self, and so kept others under me, as my Mistress had done before me. And drove that Trade in the same House (which was in St. Thomas Apostles) for many years, and might have been there still, had it not been for one Unfortunate Accident, which I'll next relate to you.
One Day a Gentleman in a very good genteel Habit, knocks at my Door, which I open'd my self, and ask'd him what he'd have? Upon which, coming in a Doors, Madam, says he, I understand that you are a Person Charitably Disposed, and do now and then help a Languishing Lady, or a Love-sick Gallant: And therefore I took this Opportunity to Salute you, hoping that you will shew the same kindness to me, that you have done to others upon the same Considerations.—Sir, said I, you must give me leave to ask you some Questions before we enter into any further conversation—With all my heart, Madam, said he:—Then, said I, Pray who recommended you to me, on that account? I hope you don't take me for a Bawd? Nay, Madam, said he, pray don't affront me; Neither do I look like a Porter, common Soldier, or Lacquey, so as to stand in need of a Bawds Assistance: Nor am I one of those who will take up with what the Street affords: For I assure you I don't eat Baked Pudding or Apple-Pye at Holbourn-Bridge, or such other Places, as common Carmen do. Nor, to be plain with you, Madam, said he, am I one of those Fellowes that usually Dine at any Greasie Ordinaries; and therefore I am for something fit for a Gentleman, and will pay accordingly. Very well, Sir, says I: I hope you will take nothing amiss; I see you are a Gentleman; but I have sometimes had Tricks put upon me, and therefore am as choice in the company I entertain, as you are in keeping your Company. Upon which account be not angry if I repeat my Question, Pray who recommended you to me? To which he reply'd, Madam, I thought you had not been so very scrupulous at this time of Day, when Money is so very scarce. But seeing you press me to it, I know that you help'd Esq; —— to a very fine Mistress.—The Gentleman he Named, being one I was well acquainted with, and whose Necessities I had often supply'd with some of my First-rate-Frigots, as he used to call 'em; I had no more mistrust of him; and therefore taking him to be a Friend of his: Nay, now, said I to him, you begin to speak Sense. Be pleased to go along with me; and so lead him into a Room which joyn'd to my Parlour that was hung round with Pictures; representing all the Amours of Ovid's Heathen Gods; and amongst them were intermix'd several of those Ladies of Pleasure I kept in my House, drawn in very amorous and inviting Postures; One with her Golden Tresses dishelv'd upon her Shoulders & her Brests Naked; another was drawn putting on her Smock, a third tying her Garters, and a Fourth in the Arms of her Gallant: When he had well looked round about him, Madam, said he, I perceive you have Entertainment to provoke the dullest Appetite; and if you have really the Original of these Pictures, I don't much wonder that you insist upon good Terms. Therefore pray let me know what you expect to Oblige me with the dishelv'd Golden Locks. Sir, said I, my lowest is a Guinea in hand, and a Guinea a Week for the Accomodation of my House; and taking care that you may have her ready for your use, so long as you continue my Pensioner: But as for her own Terms, I leave that to your self and her—But, said he, may I not see the Person first, that I may be satisfied the Painter has not flatter'd her? Yes, Sir, said I, provided that you don't spend too much time before you come to a Conclusion.—Leave that to me, said he, for you shall be no Looser: Whereupon I slipt out of the Room, and call'd one Mrs. Gertrude (which was the Person he desir'd) who came in immediately; and going up towards the Gentleman, he desir'd her to sit down; and as I was a with drawing he call'd to me likewise, and told me he must discourse with us both, before he enter'd into any further Familiarity; and then, addressing himself to Mrs. Gertrude, said, Well, my pretty Madam, what Gratification do you expect for your Company per Week? She answer'd him, Two Guineas: But, said he, What assurance, Madam, shall I have that you will be my Sole Property during the time that you and I agree upon? And that you will not dispence your Favours, likewise to others? Nay, Sir, said I to him, if you intend to Monopolize her wholly to your self, you must raise your Price, or we cannot else Maintain our selves like Gentlewomen; and afford Accommodations fit for Gentlemen. Well, Ladies, said he, I will now pull off my Mask: You have both confessed your way of Living to me, and I have discover'd your Crimes, without being Criminal my self: And therefore not doubting but both of you pretend to be Christians, for I am told you go constantly to Church, I adjure you by his Name whom you profess, to tell me how you can answer it to him, or to your own Consciences, to Live in downright Disobedience to his holy Laws, and in defiance to the known Laws of the Land? With much more Preachment to the same Purpose, too long to repeat. I must Confess both my self and Mrs. Gertrude, were both struck with some Amazement at this unexpected Entertainment; And seeing her a little daunted, I answer'd, Sir, I shall quickly bring you those that will give you better Satisfaction. And so rise up to call in a couple of Men-Servants belonging to my House. Upon which he rise up likewise, and catching me by the Arm, pull'd out a short Constable's Staff, Commanding me to sit down, or otherwise I should find it was in his Power to take another Course with me. This indeed increas'd my surprise, and made me a little mute for the Present; which he seeing, got between the Door and us, and then was so uncivil as to tell me, That I was a Vile Woman; and all the difference he knew between a Bawd and a Procurer, was only such as was between a common Tom-Turd-Man, and a Person of Qualities House-Maid, who Emptied Close-Stools: And then told Mrs Gertrude that the difference between her and the Trulls that pli'd in the Streets, was no other then betwixt a common Vau't and a Private Close-stool. Upon which she told him that his Comparisons were very odious; and that such Language didn't become a Gentleman: But he answer'd, That our Language wanted words to express the fulsomeness of our Crimes, calling us Dogs, and Swine, and Goats, and a deal of such Billingsgate-Stuff, till he had so provok'd my Passion, That I told him boldly, That I didn't value his Fanatical Cant, for there were Men of better Sense than he, thought it no Sin; and that I knew the Opinion of the greatest Wits in the Town, in those things; and car'd not what a parcel of Canting Coxcombs said.—To which he reply'd, My Coming hither was to do you good, and to turn you (if Possible) from your Wicked Courses; but seeing you are hardened in it, and will not be reclaimed, I will take care to have your Quarters beat up, and spoil your Trading here for time to come. And so he left us.
This unexpected Adventure put us all to a stand. And after consulting what was best to be done, I resolved not to venture being expos'd, and so immediately with-drew, and took down all my Pictures, leaving only a Servant in the House for some days, to see whether he wou'd be as good as his word: and in three Days after, a Constable came with a Warrant to search the House for disorderly Persons; but finding only a Servant there, he told her he perceiv'd the Birds were flown. The search being over, some of my Women were for returning again; but I oppos'd it, as not judging it safe; and the Event prov'd it so; for the Day they design'd to have gone, there was another Search made, and a strict enquiry after what was become of us? Which made all to commend my Caution and Conduct.
This last Search made us look upon that Place as unsafe to go to again; for I perceiv'd that Disguis'd Constable was a busie Fellow, and wou'd be always Jealous of our Returning again. So I threw up my Lease of that House, and from thence came hither: Where I have continued ever since. And carrying a good Correspondence amongst my Neighbours, I have never been molested here, but when there is any Trade stirring, I have my share of it. And thus, Madam, I have given you the History of my Life hitherto; which I have been more particular in, because of your Civility and Generosity towards me. And if you find at any time an occasion to make use of any Gentleman to supply any Deficiency you may meet with at home, or to gratifie your Inclination with a desire of Change I will be always ready to serve you to the utmost of my Power.
The Bawd having thus finish'd her Narration, the Goldsmith's Lady gave her many thanks, and told her that her Relation had been very diverting to her, But, said she, there is one thing that I have had a mind to ask you two or three times and still forgot it. Pray Madam, said the Bawd, What may that be? For I am very ready to resolve you in any thing I can—That is, reply'd the She-Goldsmith, Whether or no these new Attempts for Reformation be not a very great hinderance to you in your Business? For I am told that some of the Members of the Society put themselves into all Shapes, that they may make a Discovery of such Houses. And I suppose he who disturb'd you at your other House might be one of them. And therefore methinks this should quite spoil your Trade: For as matters are now manag'd, how do you know who to Trust?
To this the Bawd reply'd thus: As to what you say Madam, there is this in it, That it makes us use more Caution than we us'd to do. For we now admit of none into our Houses that are Strangers. But perhaps you may say, That I us'd a great deal of Caution with the other Person who was a Trapan before; which is really true enough; and when he mention'd to me Esq; —— I thought I might very well have trusted him: But I'll tell you how that hapen'd; Esq; S—— had it seems been talking to some intimate Friends of his, of some very pretty Ladies that he had to do withal: For indeed being a good Customer, and paying very well, he had always the Cream of all that came to my House; being very much a Gentleman; and one whom I wou'd be glad to help to your Embraces, if you wou'd do me that Honour, and I am sure you cann't have to do with a Compleater Person, and one better fitted to serve a Woman. You wou'd, make me have a Mind to him, reply'd the Lady: Well, Madam, said the Bawd, ere it be long, I'll bring you two together. But, as I was a saying, he having told some intimate Friends of his, that he had the enjoyment of a very fine Lady: said one of 'em, Prithee Esq, who is't that helps you to these fine Ladies that you talk of? Upon this, not doubting but they wou'd keep his Counsel, he told 'em 'twas I that help'd him, upon such occasions; and one of these Gentlemen told another of his Comrades in the hearing of the Disguis'd Constable, who made that use of it I have already told you. But now, to prevent the like accidents, we admit no Strangers, unless they bring a Letter from the Person they are Recommended by, and therein an Account of the last time they were here. By which means we are very secure; and tho' the Society for Reformation, as they call it, does utterly Ruine all such as are Publick Houses of Assignation, yet our Trade is rather made the better by it; because here they may meet without Danger of being Exposed, as a Worthy Gentlewoman had like to have been not long ago, which might have been her Ruine, had she not fallen into the hands of Gentlemen.