June 3.—I was up again this morning at 3 A.M., and by it escaped falling into evil imaginations. This is an evil I thus fight against and struggle to avoid. I think the Lord will hear my prayers and free me from this buffeting of Satan, this thorn in the flesh, which is a horrible disquiet to me.
4th.—I found the devil at work with me this morning, and jumped out of bed at twenty minutes before 3 A.M., dressed, and came down to prayers.
Paying debts formerly with me had but little effect from the necessary contraction of new ones; but at present I have abstained steadily from all, so that though I want shirts, &c., and have only one coat, and that much worn, yet I order nothing, that I may endeavour effectively to get quite free as soon as possible.
17th.—A letter from Arthur, he has had a week’s fever, and went back to Moscow, which recovered him. It was caused by want of sleep, owing to bugs, lice, fleas, &c., fatigue and vile food. They are horrid savages, and five centuries behind us in all but vice, wickedness, and extravagance. The interpreter behaves much better, which is comfortable.
18th.—The last Board for the season sat yesterday and adjourned till November. Mr. Coke was here, pressed me to go to Holkham; but I have long determined against it; there is not one feature which could carry a Christian there for pleasure, but a thousand to repel him, and this is so much the case with all public meetings that they are odious. The Norfolk farmers are rich and profligate; of course oaths and profanations salute the ear at every turn; and gentlemen and the great, when without ladies, are too apt to be as bad as the mob, and many of them much worse. I am never in such company, but the repugnance of my soul to it is so great, that much as I love agriculture I can renounce it with more pleasure than I can partake of it thus contaminated. I shall get to Bradfield as soon as possible, I hope on Saturday, and having much to do there, God send that employment may keep me out of all temptation.
July 13.—Every Sunday I hear sixteen or eighteen children read the Scripture and say their Catechism, and I pay for the schooling of all that will learn. They are sadly careless and inattentive, but still they come on. If it pleases God to turn it to account by their reading the Scriptures it will be well. The rest of the day I pass in reading; the spirit of visiting in the country among servants prevents much that might be done, but still I am not satisfied, and must find the means of doing more in the instruction of the parish poor.
14th.—I have been reading over my ‘Inquiry into the Propriety of applying Wastes to the better Maintenance of the Poor.’ I had almost forgotten it, but of all the essays and papers I have produced, none I think so pardonable as this, so convincing by facts, and so satisfactory to any candid reader. Thank God I wrote it, for though it never had the smallest effect except in exciting opposition and ridicule, it will, I trust, remain a proof of what ought to have been done; and had it been executed, would have diffused more comfort among the poor than any proposition that ever was made.
February 21, 1807.—To think of keeping a journal regularly is all in vain; the gaps in mine are terrible.
March 9.—Mrs. Wilberforce lent me Crichton’s ‘Diary of Blackadder,’[[236]] and gave me Dr. Owen on the 130th Psalm. I have read much of the former and find it a reproach to my whole soul, life, and conversation. What a Christian was there! and what a wretch am I?
10th.—I am very much struck with ‘Blackadder’s Diary’ and letters to his wife, so much so that I have prayed earnestly to God to enable me by His grace to have the same constant trust and reliance in His mercy and goodness that this excellent Christian had.