“When I need my nerves in good control so frequently, they are in a state of utter collapse. My brain is in a state of confusion, in a state of whirl just when I need to think the clearest. My poor brain feels as if a tight band encircled and contracted it. It seems to me as if the brain has shrunken from the temples.
“My memory is unreliable. Often I read quite carefully, but I am unable to recall what I have read. Especially is this so, if called upon without previous warning. My brain goes into a panic of an extremely alarming kind.
“I was told that I was a woman of a good brain and of great talent, that all I needed was to exercise my will and determination, and that I would succeed. I lack concentration and I lack confidence.
“In my childhood hell fire was preached. Fore-ordination and an arbitrary God were held up to my childish comprehension. I was bred in fear, and self destruction resulted.”
IV
The following valuable account given by an eminent physician brings out well the factors and principles of neurosis expounded in this volume:
“You ask me to write about my fears. I give you a brief account.
“As a child, as far as memory carries, I had a fear of ghosts, of giants, of monsters, and of all kinds of mysterious and diabolical agencies and witchcraft of which I had heard a number of tales and stories in my early childhood. I was afraid of thieves, of robbers, and of all forms of evil agencies. The fears were stronger at daytime, but more so at night. Strange noises, unexpected voices and sounds made a cold shiver run down my back.
“I was afraid to remain alone in a closed room, or in the dark, or in a strange place. It seemed to me as if I was left and abandoned by everybody, and that something awful was going to happen to me. When I happened to be left alone under such conditions I was often in a state of helplessness, paralyzing terror. Such states of fear sweep occasionally over me even at present. I find, however, that they are far more complicated with associations of a more developed personal life. I know that in some form or other the fears are present, but are inhibited by counteracting impulses and associations. I still feel a cold shiver running down my back, when I happen to go into a dark cellar in the dead of night, or happen to remain alone in a dark, empty house. Such fears date back to my fourth year, and possibly to an earlier time of my childhood.
“As a matter of contrast-inhibitions of such fears I may either brace myself and put myself in a state of courage and exaltation, or when this does not succeed, I let my mind dwell on other fears and troubles. I find that the last method is often far more effective in the inhibition of fear states which at the moment are present with me. All I need is to press the button, so to say, and awaken some other fears, the present fears diminish in intensity, and fade away for the time being. I actually favor, and welcome, and even look for disagreeable and painful experiences so as to overcome some of my present fears. The new fears are then treated in the same way.