“I suppose,” says he, “that, according to custom, the reader will expect some relation of my genealogy, and as I am a great admirer of fashion, I shall gratify his curiosity. My grandfather had the good fortune to marry a woman well skilled in vaulting and rope-dancing, and who could act her part uncommonly well. Though above fifty years of age, and affected with the phthisic, she died in the air. To avoid seeing other women fly as she had done, her husband would not marry again; but diverted himself with keeping a puppet-show in Moorfields, deemed the most remarkable that ever had been seen in that place. My grandfather was also so little, that the only difference between him and his puppets was, that they spoke through a trunk, and he without one. He was, however, so eloquent, and made such lively speeches, that his audience were never rendered drowsy. All the apple-women, hawkers, and fish-women, were so charmed by his wit, that they would run to hear him, and leave their goods without any guard but their own straw hats.
“My father had two trades, or two strings to his bow; he was a painter and a gamester, and master much alike at both; for his painting could scarcely rise so high as a sign-post, and his hand at play was of such an ancient date, that it could scarcely pass. He had one misfortune, which, like original sin, he entailed upon all his children; and that was, his being born a gentleman, which is as bad as being a poet, few of whom escape eternal poverty.
“My mother had the misfortune to die longing for mushrooms. Besides myself she left two daughters, both very handsome and very young; and though I was then young myself, yet I was much better skilled in sharping than my age seemed to promise. When the funeral sermon was preached, the funeral rites performed, and our tears dried up, my father returned to his daubing, my sisters to their stitching, and I was despatched to school. I had such an excellent memory, that though my dispositions were then what they have continued to be, yet I soon learned as much as might have been applied to better purposes than I have done. My tricks upon my master and my companions were so numerous, that I obtained the honorable appellation of the Little Judas. My avaricious disposition soon appeared, and if my covetous eyes once beheld any thing, my invention soon put it into my possession. These, however, I could not obtain gratis, for they cost me many a boxing bout every day. The reports of my conduct were conveyed home, and my eldest sister would frequently spend her white hands upon the side of my pate; and sometimes even carried her admonitions so far, as politely to inform me, that I would prove a disgrace to the family.
“It was my good fortune, however, not to be greatly agitated by her remonstrances, which went in at the one ear and out at the other. It happened, however, that my adventures were so numerous, and daily increasing in their magnitude, that I was dismissed the school with as much solemnity as if it had been by beat of drum. After giving me a complete drubbing, my father carried me to a barber, in order to be bound as his apprentice. I was first sent to the kitchen, where my mistress soon provided me with employment, by showing me a parcel of dirty clothes, informing me, that it made part of the apprentice’s work to clean them: ‘Jemmy,’ said she, ‘mind your heels, there’s a good boy!’ I hung down my head, tumbled all the clouts into a trough, and washed them as well as I could. I so managed the matter, that I was soon discarded from my office, which was very fortunate for me, for it would have put an end to Jemmy in less than a fortnight.
“The third day of my apprenticeship, my master having just given me a note to receive money, there came into the shop a ruffian with a pair of whiskers, and told my master he would have them turned up. The journeyman not being at hand, my master began to turn them up himself and desired me to heat the irons. I complied, and just as he had turned up one whisker, there happened a quarrel in the street, and my master ran out to learn the cause. The scuffle lasting long, and my master desirous to see the end as well as the beginning of the bustle, the spark was all the time detained in the shop, with the one whisker ornamented, and the other hanging down like an aspen leaf. In a harsh tone he asked me, if I understood my trade; and I, thinking it derogatory to my understanding to be ignorant, boldly replied that I did; ‘Why, then,’ said he, ‘turn up this whisker for me, or I shall go into the street as I am, and kick your master.’ I was unwilling to be detected in a lie, and deeming it no difficult matter to turn up a whisker, never showed the least concern, but took up one of the irons, that had been in the fire ever since the commencement of the street bustle, and having nothing to try it on, and willing to appear expeditious, I took a comb, stuck it into his bristly bush, and clapped the iron to it: no sooner did they meet, than there arose a smoke, as if it had been out of a chimney, with a whizzing noise, and in a moment all the hair vanished. He exclaimed furiously, ‘Thou son of a thousand dogs! dost thou take me for St. Lawrence, that thou burnest me alive!’ With that he let fly such a bang at me, that the comb dropped out of my hand, and I could not avoid, in the fright, laying the hot iron close along his cheek: this made him give such a shriek as shook the whole house, and he, at the same time, drew his sword to send me to the other world. I, however, recollecting the proverb, that ‘One pair of heels is worth two pair of hands,’ ran so nimbly into the street, and fled so quickly from that part of the town, that though I was a good runner, I was amazed when I found myself about a mile from home, with the iron in my hand, and the remainder of the whisker sticking to it. As fortune would have it, I was near the dwelling of the person who was to pay the note my master gave me: I went and received the money, but deemed it proper to detain it in lieu of my three days’ wages.
“This money was all exhausted in one month, when I was under the necessity of returning to my father’s house. Before arriving there, I was informed, that he was gone to the country to receive a large sum of money which was due him, and therefore went boldly in, as if the house had been my own. My grave sisters received me very coldly, and severely blamed me for the money which my father paid for my pranks. Maintaining, however, the honor of my birthright, I kept them at considerable distance. The domestic war being thus prolonged, I one day lost temper, and was resolved to make them feel the consequences of giving me sour beer; and, though the dinner was upon the table, I threw the dish at my eldest sister, and the beer at the younger, overthrew the table, and marched out of doors on a ramble. Fortunately, however, I was interrupted in my flight by one who informed me, that my father was dead, and in his testament had very wisely left me sole heir and executor. Upon this I returned, and soon found the tones and tempers of my sisters changed, in consequence of the recent news. I sold the goods, collected the debts, and feasted all the rakes in town, until not one farthing remained.
“One evening, a party of my companions carried me along with them, and, opening the door of a certain house, conveyed from thence some trunks, which a faithful dog perceiving, he gave the alarm. The people of the house attacked the robbers, who threw down their burdens to defend themselves: meanwhile, I skulked into a corner all trembling. The watch made their appearance, and seeing three trunks in the street, two men dangerously wounded, and myself standing at a small distance, they seized me as one concerned in the robbery. Next day I was ordered to a place of confinement, and could find no friend to bail me from thence. In ten days I was tried, and my defences being frivolous and unsatisfactory, I was about to be hoisted up by the neck, and sent out of the world in a swinging manner, when a reprieve came, and in two months a full pardon.
“After this horrible fright, (for I was not much disposed to visit the dwelling of my grandfather,) I commenced travelling merchant, and, according to my finances, purchased a quantity of wash-balls, toothpicks, and tooth-powders. Pretending that they came from Japan, Peru, or Tartary, and extolling them to the skies, I had a good sale, particularly among the gentry of the playhouse. Upon a certain day, one of the actresses, a beautiful woman of eighteen, and married to one of the actors, addressed me, saying, ‘she had taken a liking to me, because I was a confident, sharp, forward youth; and therefore, if I would serve her, she would entertain me with all her heart; and that, when the company were strolling, I might beat the drum and stick up the bills.’ Deeming it an easier mode of moving through the world, I readily consented, only requesting two days to dispose of my stock, and to settle all my accounts.
“In my new profession my employments were various, some of which, though not very pleasant, I endeavored to reconcile myself to, inasmuch as they were comparatively better than my former. In a little time, I became more acquainted with the tempers of my master and mistress, and became so great a favorite, that fees and bribes replenished my coffers from all expectants and authors who courted their favor. Unfortunately, however, one day, in their absence, I was invited by some of the party to take a walk, and, going into a tavern, commenced playing at cards, till my last farthing was lost. Determined, if possible, to be revenged of my antagonist, I requested time to run home for more money: it was readily granted. I ran and seized an article belonging to my mistress, pawned it for a small sum, which soon followed my other stores. But evils seldom come alone: I was in this situation not only deprived of my money, but also obliged to decamp.”
The next adventure of Batson was to enlist as a soldier. It happened, however, that his captain cheating him out of his pay, caused a grievous quarrel. Batson soon found that it was dangerous to reside in Rome and strive with the pope. His captain, upon some pretence of improper conduct, had him apprehended, tried, and condemned to be hanged. The cause of this harsh treatment was a very simple one: “For,” says Batson, “I was one day drinking with a soldier, and happened to fall out about a lie given. My sword unluckily running into his throat, he kicked up his heels, through his own fault, for he ran upon my point, so that he may thank his own hastiness.” Upon this our hero says, “As if it had been a thing of nothing, or as a matter of pastime, they gave sentence that I should be led in state along the streets, then mounted upon a ladder, kick up my heels before all the people, and take a swing in the open air, as if I had another life in my knapsack. A notary informed me of this sentence, who was so generous that he requested no fee, nor any expenses for his trouble during the trial. The unfeeling gaoler desired me to make my peace with my Maker, without giving me one drop to cheer my desponding heart. Informed of my melancholy condition, a compassionate friar came to prepare me for another world, since the inhabitants of this were so ready to bid me farewell. When he arrived, he inquired for the condemned person. I answered, ‘Father, I am the man, though you do not know me.’ He said, ‘Dear child, it is now time for you to think of another world, since sentence is passed, and, therefore, you must employ the short time allowed you in confessing your sins, and asking forgiveness of your offences.’ I answered, ‘Reverend father, in obedience to the commands of the church, I confess but once in the year, and that is in Lent; but if, according to the human laws, I must atone with my life for the crime I have committed, your reverence, being so learned, must be truly sensible that there is no divine precept which says, “Thou shall not eat or drink;” and therefore, since it is not contrary to the law of God, I desire that I may have meat and drink, and then we will discourse of what is best for us both; for I am in a Christian country, and plead the privilege of sanctuary.’