I looked everywhere but at the bed, because I knew she would be there. Then I brought my eyes down to the bed. I felt the cold trickle of sweat running down my back.
There was a large red stain on the white sheet, which was drawn over her face. I could see, from where I was standing, the small hills that marked her feet, her hands, her breasts, and her nose. The sheet was drawn tight and I could clearly see those small hills.
I leant against the doorpost and just looked. Then I began to hate Spencer and his wife and Katz and the fat guy and Gus and the whole hellish business as I had never hated anything before. I wanted to get close to them all and get my hands on them. I wanted to hurt and kill them all because of what they had done to me. I no longer cared what would happen to me. I just wanted to even things up, knew that I was just kidding myself, because if I did kill them all it wouldn’t help me. It wouldn’t bring Mardi back and it would never take the picture I had of her facing what she had faced alone.
If only I had been there with her we could have gone out together. I know she wouldn’t have minded.
I didn’t go into the room. I turned off the light and went downstairs again. In the sitting-room I sat down and fumbled for my cigarette case. I noticed, as I struck a match, that my hands were very steady. I was a little surprised. I just sat there smoking with a blank mind until Ackie came.
I heard his car roaring up the drive and I went out to meet him. He had come faster than I thought. He was out of the car before I could get to the front door, and when he had a look at me he just pushed me back into the lodge and shut the front door.
“What is, it, Nick?”
I opened and shut my mouth, but no sound came. I just stood looking at him.
He put his hand on my arm. His face had gone very grim. “Mardi? Somethin’ happened to Mardi?”
I took a deep breath. It was worse than I thought. It made it much more real to have to say it. I had to put out a big effort to get control of myself. I could feel the muscles in my stomach fluttering. “They’ve killed her, Mo.” Well, it was out now.