Then I thought of her all alone when Katz came. I could see her against the wall, her big, smoky eyes very wide, but her chin up. That would be the way she’d face up to Katz. She’d be thinking of me, and all the time she was going away from me I was talking to that bastard Johnson. I was worrying about dough when Mardi was being killed.
The sick feeling inside me began to ease a little, and the first shock gave way to a numbed feeling at the back of my brain. I went outside and stood looking at the bloodstains in the sitting-room. They were near the wall. When I looked closer I could see two bruises on the paint on the wainscoting. They looked like two heel marks. I could picture Mardi trying to press herself into the wall as Katz came at her. It made me feel so bad that I had to sit down.
Then I did a thing I’d never done since I was a kid. I didn’t know I was doing it until I tasted the salt in my mouth. Going on like this wouldn’t get me anywhere so I got up and gave myself a shot of Scotch. I took three-quarters of a tumbler and it went down like water. I guess it did the trick all right, because I got a grip on myself and I began to use my brain.
I went over to the telephone and dialled. I knew I couldn’t handle this on my own. I had to share this with someone.
I said to Ackie: “Come on out here fast.”
That’s the big thing about Ackie, he always knew when you wanted him bad. He didn’t ask why, nor did he make excuses. I knew that he was right in the middle of going to press, but he just said: “Keep your shirt on, I’m on my way,” and he hung up.
If he came fast he could make it an hour. I knew I couldn’t wait an hour before going upstairs. I went over to the sideboard and belted the Scotch again, then I decided to go on up and see.
I went into the hall and looked up the stairs. The lodge was silent. Standing there, facing the stairs, I realized how much Mardi meant to me. I began to walk forward. The stairs seemed to go on a long way. I couldn’t hurry, but I kept on. When I reached the top I felt heavy in the legs, just as if I’d been walking through glue.
On the landing there were two bathrooms, two bedrooms and a dressing-room. All the five doors were shut. Mardi might be behind any one of these. I knew the most likely would be our bedroom, but I didn’t try that first. I went into one of the bathrooms. She wasn’t there. I left the door open and the light on and went into the dressing-room. She wasn’t there either.
I went out on to the landing and stood looking at the other doors and I felt bad. It took me a little while before I could go on. This time I went to our bedroom. I turned the handle slowly and pushed the door open, then I put my hand round and turned on the light. I didn’t go in at once. I just stood looking in.