Of course you can say, and correctly, that you have little or no responsibility for some of the factors, such as the lack of happiness in your parents’ marriage. Even though this may be the case, you have been affected or influenced by the presence or absence of happiness in your own home.
What are some concrete suggestions that may help you bring about a happy marriage even though one of you, or the two of you, may not have made scores typical of young couples who get married and are happy? These suggestions may be of help to you:
1. If you are introverted (unsociable), you should increase the number of social skills that you have. Oftentimes we find that our enjoyment from association with other people is increased greatly when we learn to do some of the things they do, such as dance, bowl, swim, etc. Try to be outstanding in something.
2. Acquire a philosophy of life. What are your beliefs and views? Are you a conservative or a radical in politics, religion, ethics? Are there some guiding principles in your life? If you aren’t sure, sit down with yourself and try to figure out what you believe in and practice. Check it against your own behavior. Do you say one thing and do another? Are your family and friends rather sure about what you believe in, or do they have trouble predicting what you will do next?
3. Is your temper explosive, unruly, and peevish? Why do you get angry? If it is because you feel inferior, why do you feel inferior? Can’t you do something about it? Do you honestly try to control your temper?
4. Are you unstable, fearful, nervous? Why? Is it because you feel you are unattractive or ignorant, or are you carrying around feelings of guilt and uneasiness about something you feel ashamed of? If it is your physical health, see your physician. If it is your mental health, see a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist. Develop a trusting confidential relationship with someone, preferably an older person, with whom you can feel free to unburden yourself.
5. Are your standards and ideals too low, or too high, when compared to your behavior? Perhaps you are an intolerant and prejudiced person who is too narrow-minded and prudish. Are you critical and gossipy about many of the things your acquaintances do? Do you know whether you have set your standards impossibly high; so high that you have a constant feeling of frustration because you are always falling short?
6. Are you an emotional person, always going off on a tangent, never able to keep a steady course? Is it because you aren’t in the work you want to do? Can’t you change jobs? Perhaps you are confused in your thinking, disturbed about religion, morals, things that are right or wrong. Have you asked your friends their ideas? Do you keep busy? Have you talked things over with your pastor? Is there some serious frustration always hanging over your head? Why don’t you sit down, take stock of yourself? It is only by an inventory of ourselves, accompanied by a searching analysis, that we discover what is wrong and see ways to clear things up.
7. Are you so set in your ways that you cannot see that “circumstances alter cases?” Do you earnestly try to adapt yourself to people and new situations or do you expect all the adaptation to come from somebody else? Perhaps you are smug, never have a new idea. Try reading a Republican newspaper if you never read anything but a Democratic paper. Go to a different church. Get out of the rut you are in. Listen to other people’s ideas for a change. Don’t be so cocksure that you are always right and the other fellow always wrong.
8. Do you ever sit down and think? Reflect about yourself, your friends, your activities, your responsibilities? Do you stop and ask yourself if you are selfish and inconsiderate? Do you sympathize with others, try to avoid saying things that may hurt somebody’s feelings? Do you build up people rather than tear down? Do you go out of your way to help others?