The vessel now got completely water-logged; and Mr. Hall and I were employed in forming conjectural calculations how many minutes she could keep above water, and consoling one another on the unfortunate circumstances under which we met——lamenting that fate had thus brought us acquainted only to make us witnesses of each other’s misery, and then to see one another no more.
As the larboard side of the vessel was gradually going down, the deck, and of course the capstern, became too nearly perpendicular for us to continue on it: we therefore foresaw the necessity of quitting it, and got upon the starboard side, holding fast by the gunnel, and allowing our bodies and legs to yield to the sea as it broke over us. Thus we continued for some time: at length the severity of the labour so entirely exhausted our strength and spirits, that our best hope seemed to be[to be] a speedy conclusion to our painful death; and we began to have serious intentions of letting go our hold, and yielding ourselves up at once to the fury of the waves.
The vessel, which all this time drifted with the sea and wind, gradually approximated the shore, and at length struck the ground, which for an instant revived our almost departed hopes; but we soon found that it did not in the smallest degree better our situation——Again I began to yield to utter despair——again I thought of letting go my hold, and sinking at once: It is impossible, thought I, ever to escape——why, then, prolong, for a few minutes, a painful existence that must at last be given up? Yet, yet, the all-subduing love of life suggested, that many things apparently impossible had come to pass; and I said to myself, If life is to be lost, why not lose it in a glorious struggle? Should I survive it by accident, life will be rendered doubly sweet to me, and I still more worthy of it by persevering fortitude.
While I was employed in this train of reflection, I perceived some of the people collecting together, talking, and holding a consultation——It immediately occurred to me, that they were devising some plan for escaping from the wreck, and getting on shore: and, so natural is it for Man to cling to his fellow-creature for support in difficult or dangerous exigences, I proposed to Mr. Hall to join them, and take a share in the execution of the plan——observing to him at the same time, that I was determined at all events to quit the vessel, and trust to the protection and guidance of a superintending Providence for the rest.
LETTER XLVI.
As prodigality of life is, in some cases, the excess of virtue and courage——so there are others in which it is vice, meanness and cowardice. True courage is, according to the circumstances under which it is to operate, as rigidly tenacious and vigilant of life in one case, as it is indifferent and regardless in another; and I think it is a very strange contradiction in the human heart (although it often happens), that a man who has the most unbounded courage, in seeking death even in the cannon’s mouth, shall yet want the necessary resolution to make exertions to save his life in cases of ordinary danger. The unfortunate English Purser could not collect courage sufficient to make an effort to save himself; and yet I think it probable that he would have faced a battery of artillery, or exposed himself to a pistol-shot, if occasion required, as soon as any other man. Thus it appears at first view: but may not this seeming incongruity be explained by saying, that personal courage and fortitude are different qualities of the mind and body, and depend upon the exercise of entirely different functions?
Be that as it may, I argued with myself, in the height of my calamitous situation, upon the subject of fortitude and dejection, courage and cowardice; and, notwithstanding the serious aspect of affairs, found myself listening to the suggestions of pride: What a paltry thing to yield, while strength is left to struggle! Vanity herself had her hint, and whispered, “Should I escape by an effort of my own, what a glorious theme of exultation!” There were, I confess, transitory images in my mind, which, co-operating with the natural attachment to self-preservation, made me persevere, and resolve to do so, while one vestige of hope was left for the mind to dwell on.
Observing, as I told you before, the people consulting together, and resolving to join them, I made an effort to get to the lee shrouds, where they were standing, or rather clinging; but before I could accomplish it, I lost my hold, fell down the hatchway (the gratings having been carried away with the long-boat), and was for some minutes entangled there amongst a heap of packages, which the violent fluctuations of the water had collected on the lee side. As the vessel moved with the sea, and the water flowed in, the packages and I were rolled together——sometimes one, sometimes another, uppermost; so that I began to be apprehensive I should not be able to extricate myself: by the merest accident, however, I grasped something that lay in my way, made a vigorous spring, and gained the lee shrouds. Mr. Hall, who followed me, in seizing the shrouds, came thump against me with such violence that I could scarcely retain my hold of the rigging. Compelled by the perilous situation in which I stood, I called out to him for God’s sake to keep off, for that I was rendered quite breathless and worn out: he generously endeavoured to make way for me, and, in doing so, unfortunately lost his hold, and went down under the ship’s side. Never, never shall I forget my sensations at this melancholy incident——I would have given millions of worlds that I could have recalled the words which made him move; my mind was wound up to the last pitch of anguish: I may truly say, that this was the most bitter of all the bitter moments of my life, compared with which the other circumstances of the shipwreck seemed lessened——for I had insensibly acquired an unusual esteem and warm attachment for him, and was doubtful whether, after being even the innocent occasion of his falling, I ought to take further pains to preserve my own life. All those sensations were passing with the rapidity of lightning through my thoughts, when, as much to my astonishment as to my joy, I saw him borne by a returning wave, and thrown among the very packages from which I had but just before, with such labour and difficulty, extricated myself——In the end he proved equally fortunate, but after a much longer and harder struggle, and after sustaining much more injury.