After a few minutes she should turn to the man at her right and ask “Does this car go to Madison Heights?” He will answer “No.” She should then turn to the man on her left and ask “Does this car go to Madison Heights?” He will answer “No.” Her next question—“Does this car go to Madison Heights?”—should be addressed to a man across the aisle, and the answer will be “No.” She should then listen attentively while the conductor calls out the names of the streets and as he shouts “Blawmnoo!” she should ask the man at her right “Did he say Madison Heights?” He will reply “No.” At the next street the conductor will shout “Blawmnoo!” at which she should ask “Did he say Madison Heights?” Once more the answer will be in the negative. The car will proceed, the conductor will now call “Blawmnoo!” and as the elderly lady once more says “Did he say Madison Heights?” the man at her left, the man at her right, the man across the aisle and eight other male passengers will shout “YES!”
It is then correct for her to pickup her umbrella and, carefully waiting until the conductor has pulled the “go ahead” signal, she should cry “Wait a minute, conductor—I want to get off here.” The car will then be stopped and she should say “Is this Madison Heights?” to which the conductor will reply “This ain’t the Madison Heights car, lady.” She should then say “But you called out Madison Heights,” to which he will answer “No, lady—that’s eight miles in the opposite direction.” She should then leave the street car, not forgetting, however, to take the conductor’s number again.
The above hints for “tram” car etiquette apply, of course, only to elderly ladies. For young men and women the procedure would be in many cases quite different. A young married woman, for example, on entering a street car, should always have her ticket or small “change” so securely buried in the fourth inside pocketbook of her handbag that she cannot possibly find it inside of twelve minutes. Three or more middle-aged ladies, riding together, should never decide as to who is to pay the fare until the conductor has gone stark raving mad.
Her conduct has stamped the young lady as a provincial and it is not to be wondered at if suppressed titters and half audible chuckles follow her about the room. PERFECT BEHAVIOR would have taught her that it is not the prerogative of a muddy-complexioned dud—even if she has had only one dance and her costume is very expensive—to cut in on a gentleman (by grabbing his neck or any other method) when he is dancing with the wide-eyed beauty from the South who leaves in five minutes to catch a train. He will be within his rights when, at the end of five minutes, after three unsuccessful attempts to loosen her grip, he will carry her into the garden under false pretences and there play the hose on her until she drowns.
They are leaving the home of an intimate friend of several weeks’ standing, after having witnessed a Private Theatrical. Both feel that some return should be made for their hostess’s kindness but neither is certain as to just what form the return should take. The Book of PERFECT BEHAVIOR would have pointed out to them that the only adequate and satisfactory revenge for this sort of thing is to invite the lady, as soon as possible without exciting her suspicion, to attend an Italian opera or a drawing-room musicale.
IN THE SUBWAY
The rules governing correct behavior in the underground “subway” systems of our great cities (particularly the New York subways) are, however, much more simple and elemental than the etiquette for surface cars. In the subway, for example, if you are a married man and living with your wife, or head of a family, i. e., a person who actually supports one or more persons living in (or under) his (or her) household on the last day of the preceding calendar year, provided that such person or persons shall not on or before July 1 or if July 1 shall fall on a Sunday then on the day nearest preceding July 1, himself (or themselves) have filed a separate report as provided in paragraph (g), you should precede a lady when entering, and follow a lady when leaving, the train.