The next number on the program will probably be the soloist—say, a coloratura soprano. Your first remark should be that you don’t really care for the human voice—the reason being, of course, that symphonic Music, ABSOLUTE music, has spoiled you for things like vocal gymnastics. This leads your bewildered friend to ask you what sort of soloist you prefer.
Ans.—Why, a piano concerto, of course.
Ques.—And who is your favorite pianist?
Ans.—Rachmaninoff. And then, before the boy has time to breathe —SHOOT! “Did you knoow that he has a daughter at Vassar?”
Although not necessary, it might be well to finish off the poor fellow at the end of the concert with one or two well placed depth bombs. My own particular favorite for this is the following, accompanied by a low sigh: “After all—Beethoven IS Beethoven.”
CORRECT BEHAVIOR AT A PIANO RECITAL
The same procedure is recommended for the piano or violin recital, with the possible addition of certain phrases such as “Yes—of course, she has technique—but, my dear, so has an electric piano.” This remark gives you a splendid opportunity for sarcasm at the expense of Mr. Duo-Art and other manufacturers of mere mechanical perfection; the word “soul”—pronounced with deep feeling, as when repeating a fish order to a stupid waiter—may be introduced effectively several times.
The program at these recitals is likely to be more complex than that at a symphony concert. This is a distinct advantage, for it gives you a splendid opportunity to catch some wretch applauding before the music is really finished. Nothing is quite comparable to the satisfaction of smiling knowingly at your neighbors when this faux pas is committed, unless it be the joy of being the first to applaud at the real conclusion. This latter course, however, is fraught with danger for the beginner; the chances for errors in judgment are many, and the only sure way to avoid anachronistic applause is to play the safe game and refrain altogether from any expression of approval—a procedure which is heartily recommended for the musically ignorant, it being also the practise among the majority of the critics.
IN A BOX AT THE OPERA
The opera differs from the symphony concert, or piano recital, in the same way that the army drill command of “At Ease!” differs from “Rest!” When one of these orders (I never could remember which is given to a battalion in formation), it signifies that talking is permitted; opera, of course, corresponds to that command.