The late Mr. Murray, who was of a very credulous disposition, was telling a very strange and improbable story, when he observed Fawcett cast a very doubtful eye. ‘Zounds, Sir,’ says he, ‘I saw the thing happen.’ ‘If you did,’ says Fawcett, ‘I must believe it; but by —— I would not have believed it if I had seen it myself.’
A countryman busy sowing his ground, two smart fellows riding that way, one of them called to him with an insolent air, ‘Well, honest fellow,’ said he, ‘’tis your business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour.’ To which the countryman replied, ‘’Tis very like you may, for I am sowing hemp.’
Lady Carteret, wife of the Lord Lieutenant of Ireland, in Swift’s time, said to him, ‘the air of this country is good.’ ‘For God’s sake, Madam,’ said Swift, ‘don’t say so in England; if you do, they will certainly tax it.’
When Mr. Wilberforce was a candidate for Hull, his sister, an amiable and witty young lady, offered the compliment of a new gown to each of the wives of those freemen who voted for her brother, on which, she was saluted with a cry of ‘Miss Wilberforce for ever!’ when she pleasantly observed—‘Thank you, gentlemen, but I cannot agree with you, for, really, I do not wish to be Miss Wilberforce for ever.’
An elderly man, from the Braes of Athol, who had never seen either a ship or sea in his life, once chanced to be crossing from Kinghorn to Leith on a very stormy day, and as the vessel heeled terribly, he ran to the cords and held down with his whole vigour, to keep her from upsetting. ‘For to sake of our lhives, shentles, come and hold town!’ cried he; ‘or if you will nhot pe helping mhe, I’ll lhet you all go to te bhottom in one mhoment. And you ploughman tere, cannot you kheep te howe of te furr, and no gang ower te crown of te rhiggs avaw? Heich?’ The steersman at this laughing aloud, the Highlander was irritated, and with one of the levers he ran and knocked him down. ‘Nhow! laugh you nhow?’ said he; ‘and you weel deserve it all, for it was you who put her so mhad, kittling her thail with tat pin.’
There is but one instance known, in which King James II. made a reply of wit and humour. After King William had landed, it was announced to James II.: ‘Sire, such a great lord has left you, and has gone over to King William.’ Prince George of Denmark, exclaimed, ‘est il possible!’ Again it was announced to James, that another great lord had gone over to William: ‘est il possible!’ again exclaimed Prince George: and so he did always—exclaiming, ‘est il possible!’ upon every new defection. At last, Prince George himself went over to William; and when his defection was announced to James II., ‘What,’ said the King, is ‘est il possible’ gone too.
A Highlander from the small isles, who had never been in a church, or heard a sermon in his life, came over to a sacrament on the mainland, and the service being in his native tongue, he paid great attention till the psalm was given out, for he had missed the first one. When the precentor fell a-bawling out, Donald could not comprehend that, and called to some to stop him; but how was he astounded, when the whole congregation fell a-gaping and bawling with all their energy! Donald, conceiving it altogether a fit of madness, of which the precentor was the primary cause, bustled up to him, and gave him a blow on the side of the head, till the book dropped from his hand. ‘What do you mean, sir,’ said the clerk. ‘Humph! pe you taking tat,’ said Donald; ‘for you was te pekinner of tis tamn toohoe!’
George the Fourth, when Prince of Wales, meeting Mr. Colman at a convivial party, composed of the first wits of the day, gaily observed, that there were two George the Youngers in company. ‘But,’ continued his royal highness, ‘I should like to know who is George the Youngest?’ ‘Oh!’ replied Colman, very happily, ‘I could never have had the rudeness to come into the world before your royal highness.’
Foote and Carrick were at a tavern together, at the time when the gold coin was regulated. Foote taking out his purse to pay his reckoning, asked Carrick what he should do with a light guinea. ‘Pshaw! it is worth nothing,’ said Carrick; ‘so fling it to the devil.’ ‘Well, David,’ said Foote, ‘you are an ingenious fellow, as I always thought you; ever contriving to make a guinea go farther than any other man.’