Teag. Arra, dear shoy, I don’t think there are, but it is a pity but they had, for they would fly with people above the sea, which would put the use of ships out of fashion, and nobody be drowned at all.
Tom. Very well Paddy, but in all your travels did you ever get a wife?
Teag. Ay, that’s what I did, and a wicked wife too, and my dear shoy, I can’t tell whether she is gone to Purgatory, or the parish of Pig-trantrum; for she told me she should certainly die the first opportunity she could get, as this present evil world was not worth the waiting on, so she would go and see what good things is in the world to come; so when that old rover called the Fever came raging over the whole kingdom, she went away and died out of spite, leaving me nothing.
Tom. O but Paddy, you ought to have gone to a doctor, and got some pills and physic for her.
Teag. By shaint Patrick, I had as good a pill of my own as any doctor in the kingdom could give her.
Tom. O you fool, that is not what I mean; you ought to have brought the doctor to feel her pulse, and let blood of her if he thought it needful.
Teag. Yes that’s what I did, for I ran to the doctor whenever she died, and sought something for a dead or dying woman; the old foolish devil was at his dinner, and began to ask me some dirty questions, which I answered distinctly.
Tom. And what did he ask Paddy?
Teag. Why, he asked me, How did my wife go to stool? to which I answered, the same way that other people go to a chair: no, said he, that’s not what I mean, how does she purge? Arra, Mr. Doctor, said I, all the fire in Purgatory wont purge her clean; for she has both a cold and stinking breath. Sir, said he, that is not what I ask you; whether does she shit thick or thin? Arra, Mr. Doctor, said I, it is sometimes so thick and hard, that you may take it in your hand, and cut it like a piece of cheese, or pudding, and at other times you may drink it, or sup it with a spoon. At this he flew into a most terrible rage, and kicked me down stairs, and would give me nothing to her, but called me a dirty vagabond for speaking of shit before ladies.