Leper was in use to give his lads their Sunday’s supper, which obliged him to stay from the kirk in the afternoon, he having neither wife nor servant maid; so one Sunday afternoon as he was cooking his pot, John Mucklecheek, and James Puff-and-blaw, two civileers, having more zeal than knowledge, came upon him, and said—What’s the matter, sir, you go not to the kirk? Leper replied, I’m reading my book and cooking my pot, which I think is a work of necessity. Then says the one to the other, don’t answer that graceless fellow, we’ll make him appear before his betters; so they took the kail pot, and puts a staff through the bools, and bears it to the Clerk’s chamber. Leper who was never at a loss for invention, goes to the Principal of the College’s house, no body being at home but a lass roasting a leg of mutton; Leper says, my dear, will you go and bring me a drink of ale, and I’ll turn the spit till you come back. The lass was no sooner gone, than he runs away with the leg of mutton, which served his lads and him for their supper. When the Principal came home, he was neither to haud nor to bind he was so angry; so on Monday he goes and makes a complaint to the Lord Provost, who sends two officers for Leper, who came immediately. My Lord asked him how he dared to take away the Principal’s mutton? Leper replied, how dared your civileers to take away my kail pot? I’m sure there is less sin in making a pot full of kail, than roasting a leg of mutton, law makers should not be law breakers, so I demand justice on the civileers. The Provost asked him what justice he would have? says he, make them carry the pot back again; and to the Principal, a leg of mutton will not make him and me fall out; so they were forced to carry the pot back again, and Leper caused the boys to huzza after them to their disgrace.
There was a barber who always plagued Leper, and called him prick-the-louse.—Leper resolved to be even with him, so he goes and buys three sheep heads, and sends for the barber, and told him, that there were three fine Southland gentlemen just come to his house, which much wanted to be shaved, and he assured him he would receive sixpence for each one of them;—this good news made the shaver send for a dram;—Leper was still praising them for quiet good natured gentlemen. So Leper takes him to the bed where the sheep heads lay covered, and desired him to awaken them for they would not be angry, or say an ill word to him, the barber lifts the covering and sees the sheep heads, runs out cursing and swearing, and Leper crying after him, sheep head barber.
The barber resolved to be revenged on Leper, so when he was shaving Mess John, he tells him that Leper was the drunkenest fellow in the parish. So Mess John warns him to the session; Leper comes and says, what do you want with me, Sir? Come away Leper, says Mess John, I hear a bad report of you; me Sir, I am sure they were not my friends that told you that.—Indeed, I am informed you are a drunkard.—I a drunkard you have not a soberer man in your parish: stop Sir, I will tell you how I lead my life—in the morning I take a choppin of ale and a bit of bread, that I call my morning; for breakfast I generally take a herring and a choppin of ale, for I cannot sup brose like my lads; the herring makes me dry, so at eleven hours I take a pint, and sometimes three choppins; at supper I take a bit of bread and cheese and a pint, and so go to bed. Mess John says, its extravagant Sir, its excessive drinking, I allow you one half of it for a quarter of a year. Says Leper, I’ll try it, Sir, and come back and tell you. At the end of the quarter he draws out his account, and goes to Mess John, who was sitting with his elders in the Session-house, and says; Sir I have a demand on you; on me, Sir; Yes, on you, Sir; don’t you remember you allowed me so much drink for a quarter of a year and I want the money. Am I to pay your reckoning, Sir. You allowed it, and if you wont pay it I’ll take you before the Provost. The elders advised him to pay it or he would be affronted; so Leper got the money. When he was at the door, he says, Sir, will you stand another quarter: Get away, says Mess John, and don’t trouble me. Leper says, I am sure you may, for I am always twopence to your penny.
THE END.
ANECDOTES.
INCONVENIENCE OF A PETITION.
A reverend Gentleman, when visiting his parishioners, was in one house first saluted with the growling of a dog, and afterwards by the cheering voice of a female, d—ning the dog for his ill-breeding. He advanced and enquired for the master of the house. “What do ye want wi’ that?” said the female. “We are wishing to see him,” said the Reverend Gentleman, “will ye be so good as bring him to us?” “I’ll gang nae sic an errand,” said she; “ye may gang doon to the market yoursel’, an’ ye’ll see him there: they’re thrang killin’ the day. But what are ye wanting wi’ Pate, if a body micht speir.” “This is the minister,” said the elder who accompanied him, “he is wishing to have some conversation with Peter, and to put up a petition.” “A petition! a petition!” exclaimed the matron, “ye’ll put up nae petition here; the house is wee eneugh already, an’ wha do ye think’s gaun to be fashed wi’ masons an’ wrights an’ a’ thae clamjamfray about their house? Faith no—the devil a petition will be putten up in this house, as langs am in’t we’re gaun to flit at Whitsunday, so ye may come then an’ put up as mony petitions as ye like.”
DUKE OF BUCCLEUGH.
Henry, Duke of Buccleugh was greatly beloved by his numerous tenantry. One of his small tenants, Jamie Howie by name, had a son about four years of age, who, having heard much of a great Duke of Buccleugh, was very anxious to see him. Honest Jamie, in a few days, was honoured with a visit from the duke, when Jamie, doffing his bonnet, and making a reverential bow, says “O my Lord! ye maunna be angry wi’ me, but it’s God’s truth, my Lord, there’s a daft we callant o’ mine that canna rest, nor let others rest nicht nor day; he has ta’en in his head sic a notion o’ seeing what like ye are, Gudesake, my Lord, I dinna think he has ony yedea ye are a man at a’ but some far awa, outlandish, ower sea creature.” The Duke mightily tickled with this fancy, desired Jamie to bring the youngster into his presence forthwith. Out comes the juvenile inquisitor, with his finger in his mouth, and cautiously reconnoitres the personage before him. At last quoth the urchin, “Can ye soom?” “No my little fellow,” replied his grace, “I canna soom.” “Can ye flee?” “No, I canna flee.” “Weel, man, for as muckle’s ye’re I wadna gie ane o’ my father’s dukes for ye, for they can baith soom an’ flee.”