Hume the historian, passing one day by the back of Edinburgh Castle, where the ground is very swampy, and the foot path narrow, inadvertently tumbled into the bog, where he stuck, not being able to extricate himself. A washer-woman happening to pass at the time, looked at him, and was travelling on, when he shouted after her to lend him her assistance. Na, na, (replied the woman) you are Hume the Deist. Well, well, no matter, replied he—you know, good woman, your Christian charity commands you to do good even to your enemies. Na, I winna, said she, unless you will first repeat the Creed and the Lord’s Prayer. Having no alternative, he was forced to accede to the pious woman’s terms.
Two English gentlemen, some time ago, visited the field of Bannockburn, so celebrated for the total defeat of the English army, by Robert the Bruce, with an army of Scottish heroes, not one fourth their number. A sensible country man pointed out the positions of both armies, the stone where the Bruce’s standard was fixed during the battle, &c.—Highly satisfied with his attention, the gentlemen, on leaving him, pressed his acceptance of a crown-piece,—Na, na, said the honest man, returning the money, keep your crown-piece—the English have paid dear enough already for seeing the field of Bannockburn.
Judge Toler, afterwards Lord Norbury, whose severity was at one time proverbial, was at a public dinner with Curran the celebrated Irish lawyer. Toler observing Curran carving a piece of corned beef, told him, if it was hung beef he would try it. If you try it, my Lord, replied Curran, I am sure it will be hung.
A gentleman coming into a coffee-room one stormy night, said. He never saw such a wind in his life. Saw a wind, says a friend, I never heard of such a thing as seeing a wind; pray, what was it like? Like answered the Gentleman, like to have blown my hat off.
A young lady going into a barrack-room at Fort George, saw an officer toasting a slice of bread on the point of his sword. On which she exclaimed, I think, Sir, you have got the staff of life on the point of death.
One day, Socrates, having for a long time endured his wife’s brawling, went out of his house, and sat down before the door, to rid himself of her impertinence. The woman, enraged to find all her scolding unable to disturb his tranquility, flung the contents of a chamber-pot on his head. Those that happened to see it, laughed heartily at poor Socrates; but this philosopher observed, smiling, “I thought, indeed, after so much thunder we should have rain.”
A clergyman chose for his text the following words: “Which of you will go up with me to Ramoth-Gilead?” Then pausing, he again and again repeated the words, when a gallant tar started from his seat, and looking round him with an eye full of indignation, he exclaimed, Will none of you go up with the worthy gentleman; Then, d—n me, I will go myself.
An old beggar, pretending to be dumb, was thrown off his guard by the question, How many years have you been dumb; and answered, Five years last June, please your honour.
A countryman sowing his ground, two smart fellows riding by, one of them called to him with an insolent air, Well honest fellow, ’tis your business to sow, but we reap the fruits of your labour. To which the country man replied, ’Tis very likely you may, for I am sowing hemp.
One told another, who did not use to be very well clothed, that his new coat was too short for him: That’s true, answered he but it will be long enough before I get another.