A proud parson and his man, riding over a common, saw a shepherd tending his flock, in a new coat. The parson asked, in a haughty tone, who gave him that coat? The same people, (said the shepherd) that clothe you—the parish. The parson nettled a little, rode on murmuring a considerable way, and sent his man back to ask the shepherd, if he would come and live with him, for he wanted a fool. The man went to the shepherd accordingly, and delivered his master’s message, concluding that his master really wanted a fool. Are you going away then? said the shepherd. No, answered the other. Then you may tell your master, replied the shepherd, that his living won’t maintain THREE of us.
An arch prisoner, who had an unfavourable countenance, being brought to the bar to be tried for horse-stealing, the judge immediately cried, Oh, here is a noted villain, I am sure! Why, Sir I can see the rogue in your face. Ah, my Lord, says the fellow, I wonder at that: I did not know my face was a looking-glass till now.
Mr Hare, formerly the envoy of Holland, had apartments in the same house with Mr Fox, and, like his friend Charles, had frequent dealings with the monied Israelites. One morning, as he was looking out of his window, he observed several of the tribe assembled at the door for admittance. Pray, gentlemen, says he, are you Fox hunting, or Hare hunting this morning?
An Irish officer had the misfortune to be dreadfully wounded at Waterloo. As he lay on the ground, an unfortunate soldier, who was near him, and was also severely wounded, made a terrible howling, when the officer exclaimed, D—n your eyes, what do you make such a noise for? Do you think there is nobody killed but yourself?
When Mr. Horne Tooke was called before the commissioners to give an account of the particulars of his income; having answered a question which was asked, one of the wise men said, peevishly, that he did not understand his answer—Then, said Tooke, as you have not half the understanding of another man, you ought at least to have double the patience.
When the Scotch Court of Justiciary passed sentence of fourteen years banishment on Mr Muir, some persons in the gallery began to hiss. The Lord Justice Clerk turned round in a great fury, and ordered the macer, who stood behind his chair, to take the persons that were hissing into custody. The macer, with great coolness, answered, My Lord, they are all hissing.
Sir Boyle Roach, in one of the debates on the question of the Union, made a speech in favour of it, which he concluded by saying, that it would change the barren hills into fruitful vallies.
A man walking along after a woman, whose elegant shape excited his admiration, was not a little disappointed when he got up with her and saw her ordinary face—If, Madam, said he, you were as handsome before as you are behind, I would kiss you. You may, replied the lady, kiss where you think I am handsomest.
When Buchanan was tutor to James I. he found it necessary, one day, to give his most sacred Majesty a flogging. A lady of the court, being in the next room, and overhearing what passed, ran in, and catching the young king in her arms, asked Buchanan how he could lift his hand against the Lord’s anointed: to which he replied, with great coolness, Madam, I have whipped his arse, you may kiss it if you please.