One night after this, a Highland drover chanced to have a drinking bout with an English captain of a ship, and at last the English captain and him came to be very hearty over their cup; so that they called in their servants to have a share of their liquor; the drover’s servant looked like a wild man, going without breeches, stockings or shoes, not so much as a bonnet on his head, with a long peel’d rung in his hand. The captain asked him how long it was since he catched him? it is about two years since I haul’d him out of the sea with a net, and afterwards he ran into the mountains, where I catched him with a pack of hounds. The captain believed it was so; but, says he, I have a servant the best swimmer in Europe. O but, says the drover, my servant will swim him to death. No, says the captain, I’ll lay 200 guineas[201] on it. Then says the drover, I hold it one for one, and stakes it directly, the day being appointed when the trial was to be made. Now, the drover, when he came to himself, thinking on what a bargain he had made, did not know what to do, knowing very well his servant could swim none. He hearing of George, being in town, who was always a good friend to a Scotsman; he went unto him, and told him the whole story, and that he would be entirely broke, and durst never return to his own country, for he was sure to lose it. Now George called the drover and his servant aside, and instructed them how to bring him off with safety, and gain too; so accordingly they met at the place appointed; the captain’s servant stripped directly, and threw himself into the sea, taking a turn until the highlandman was ready, for the drover took some time to put his servant in order: after he was stripped, his master took his plaid, and rolled a kebbock of cheese, a big loaf, and a bottle of gin in it, and this he bound on his shoulders, giving him a direction to tell his wife and children that he was well; to be sure he returned with an answer against that day se’ennight. So as he went into the sea, he looked back to his master, and call’d out to him for his claymore. And, what waits he for now? says he who was to swim along with him. He wants his sword, says his master; his sword! says the fellow, what is he to do with a sword? Why, says his master, if he meets with a Whale or a monstrous beast, it is to defend his life; I know he’ll have to fight his way through the north seas, e’er he go to Lochaber. Then, cries the other, I’ll swim none with him, if he takes his sword. Ay, but, says the master, you shall, or lose the wager; take you another sword with you. No, says the fellow, I never did swim with a sword, nor any man else, that ever I saw or heard of; I know not but that wild man will kill me in the deep water; I would not for the whole world venture myself with him and a sword. The captain seeing his servant afraid to venture, or if he did, he would never see him again alive; therefore, he desired an agreement with the drover, who at first seemed unwilling; but the captain put it in his will, the drover quit him for an hundred guineas. This he came to through George’s advice.
PART III.
After this, George being in Cornwall about some business where he chanced to run short of money, and not knowing what to do, being acquainted with none in that country, and knowing his landlord to be loyal to the government, and a great favourite to the king his master; takes a piece of brick, and brays it to a small powder mixed with a little chalk, so that it might seem, in colour, like arsenick which is strong poison; then tying it up in papers, writing on this direction, the strongest poison for the king, and on another paper, the slower poison for the queen. Out he goes on purpose, and leaves the papers lying on a table, where he knew they would be looking at them; the landlord perceived the direction; so in comes George in a great haste, and calls out, O landlord, did you see two small bundles I have lost, and I know not what I shall do, for it was my main business to take them to London.—O! you murdering rogue! cries the landlord, I’ll have you hanged for what you intend. George at this made off, and was going to fly for it, but the landlord called for assistance; so he was apprehended, and made prisoner of state, and carried him to London by a troop of horse; when the people there began to know him, and tell what he was, his guard slipt away shamefully, and left him; so George thanked them for their good company and save convoy.
There was a law made against wearing swords at balls and assemblies, in the reign of King James VI. because they were inconvenient on these occasion; but George, to be witty on the act, provided himself with a very long scabbard, and got himself introduced to a ball, where the king and his court were present; George made several turns through the company, making his scabbard hit against their shins, and sometimes slipt it below a lady’s fardingale; and, in short, molested the company so much, that he was taken notice of, and seized as a person who had incurred the penalties of the act aforesaid. But George excused himself, telling them, that the law was only against swords, and as he only wore a scabbard, was no ways liable. At seeing this, the king and his court were convinced that the law was imperfect, and that George had more wit than themselves.
George, one day easing himself at the corner of a hedge, was espied by an English ’squire, who began to mock him, asking him, Why did he not keckle like the hens? But George whose wit was always ready, told him, He was afraid to keckle lest he would come and snatch up the egg. Which rebuff made the ’squire walk off as mute as a fish.
George was professor of the College of St. Andrews, and slipt out one day in his gown and slippers, and went to his travels through Italy, and several other foreign countries; and after seven years, returned with the same dress he went off in; entered the college, and took a possession of his seat there; but the professor in his room quarrelled him for so doing. Ay, says George, it is a very odd thing that a man cannot take a walk out in his slippers, but another will take up his seat; and so set the other professor about his business.
George was met one day by three bishops, who paid him the following compliments. Says the first, Good day, father Abraham; says the second, Good day, father Isaac; says the third, Good day, father Jacob. To which he replied, I’m neither father Abraham, father Isaac, nor father Jacob; but I am Saul, the son of Kish, sent out to seek my father’s asses, and lo! I have found three of them. Which answer convinced the bishops that they had mistaken their man.[202]
A poor Scotsman dined one day at a public house in London upon eggs, and not having money to pay, got credit till he should return. The man being lucky in trade, acquired vast riches, and after some years returned, and calling at the house where he was owing his dinner of eggs, asked the landlord what he had to pay for his dinner of eggs he had got from him such a time? The landlord seeing him now rich, gave him a bill of some hundred pounds; telling him, as his reason for so extravagant a charge, that these eggs, had they been hatched, would have been chickens; and these laying more eggs, would have been more chickens; and so on, multiplying the eggs and their product till such time as their value amounted to the sum he charged. The man refusing to comply with his demand, was charged before a judge; but mean time, made the matter known to George Buchanan his countryman, who promised to appear in the hour of cause, which he accordingly did, all in a sweat, with a great basket of boil’d pease: which appearance surprised the judge, who asked him, what he meant by these boil’d peas? Says George, I am going to sow them. When will these grow? says the judge: They will grow when sodden eggs grow chickens. Which answer convinced the judge of the extravagance of the Englishman’s demand, and the Scotsman was assoilized on paying twopence halfpenny.