There was a bell at Dalkieth, which the Popish clergy made use of to extort confessions from the ignorant people, in the following manner: They told the persons whom they suspected guilty, that the bell would rive at the touch of a guilty person, but if not guilty, it would not; by this means they generally frightened the ignorant into confessions; for if the bell would rive, the person was then to be condemned to death; but they magnified the matter so, that the bell was never put to the trial, till George did as follows: he was taken up for saying, that the pope was fallible himself, and could not pardon the sins of others. George owned he said so, but would refer to the bell whether he was guilty or not. The priests, though unwilling, were obliged to comply. George touched the bell, repeating as before, The Pope is fallible, and cannot pardon sin, moreover added, The Pope and Popish clergy are impostors; and thereupon touched the bell, referring to it for the truth; but the bell not renting, the priests were disgraced as impostors, and he was honourably acquited, and the bell was laid aside.
George desired a member of the College of St. Andrews to lend him a book: the other told him, he could not possibly spare it out of his chamber, but if he pleased he might come there and read all the day long. Some time after the gentleman sends to George to borrow his bellows; but he sent him word, he could not possibly spare them out of his chamber, but he might come there and blow all the day if he would.[203]
A scholar at the grammar school of St. Andrews, coming into a room where the master had laid down a basket of cherries for his own eating, the waggish boy takes it up, and cries aloud, I publish the banns between these cherries and my mouth, if any know any just cause or impediment, why these two should not be joined together, let them declare it. The master being in the next room, overheard all that was said; and, coming into the school, he ordered the boy who had eaten his cherries to be taken up, or, as he called it, horsed on another boy’s back: but before he proceeded to the usual discipline, he cries out aloud, as the delinquent had done, I publish the banns between this boy’s breeches and my taws: if any one knows any just cause or impediment why these two should not be joined together, let them declare it. George passing by in the mean time, overheard this proclamation; I forbid the banns, cried he. Why so, says the schoolmaster? Because the parties are not agreed, replied he. Which answer so pleased the master, that the boy was set down without any punishment.
A young gentleman that wanted to be witty on the scriptures, eating some cheese full of mites, one night at a tavern; now, said he, I have done as much as Sampson, for I have slain my thousands and ten thousands. Yes, replied George, who happened to be in his company, and with the same weapon too, the jaw-bone of an ass; which answer set the whole company a laughing to see the young gentleman beat with his own weapon.
George being in company where three bishops were present at dinner, they knowing George to be a great scholar, and comical withal, they put upon him to say the grace, which he did as follows:
Here are three brethren of the coat,
Who for thy blessings thank thee not,
Curse them, Lord, and bless them not. Amen.
Fall on gentlemen, the cause is good. This grace made the bishops look like fools to one another, while George laughed heartily at the confusion they were in.