A candle maker having had some candles stole, was telling it in a company where George was present, who bade him be of good cheer, for in a short time says he, I am assured they will come to light.
George being sent to Paris about some business, went from thence to Versailles, to see the French king’s court: and being known there to several of the courtiers, who had been at the English court, one of them took occasion to tell the French King, that George was one of the wittiest men in England; upon which the French King desired to see him, which he did; but George, it seems, was out of humour, or at least seemingly so, he spoke but very little to the purpose; so that the French King told the nobleman that had commended him for such a wit, that he looked upon him as a very dull fellow; but the nobleman assured the King that whatever he thought of him, George was a very witty and ingenious man: whereupon the King was resolved to make further trial of him, and took him into a great gallery, where there were abundance of fine pictures; and, among the rest, shewed him a picture of Christ on the cross, and asked him, If he knew who that was? but George made himself very ignorant, and answered, no; Why, says the King, I’ll tell you, if you don’t know; this is the picture of our Saviour on the cross, and that on the right is the Pope’s, and that on the left is my own. Whereupon George replied, I humbly thank your majesty for the information, for though I have often heard that our Saviour was crucified between two thieves, yet I never knew who they were before.
A sharper who had acquired vast riches by cheating, told George, that if such a thing as a good name was to be purchased, he would freely give ten thousand pounds for one. Sir, said George, it would certainly be the worst money you ever laid out in your life. Why so? said the sharper; because answered he, you will lose it again in less than a week.
One asked George, why men always made suit to the women, and the women never to the men? Why, says he, because the women are always ready for the men, but the men are not always ready for the women.
George went into the mint one day, when they were melting gold, one of them asked George, if he would have his hat full of gold? George readily accepted, but it burnt the bottom out of his hat, as they knew it would, and for that bout they fooled George. However George, to be up with them, bought a fine large hat, and caused a plate of copper to be put betwixt the hat and the lining, and returned next day, they jestingly asked him if he would have another hatful of gold? he said he would; they gave it red hot, and now George laughed at them in his turn, telling them, that this new hat was a good one, and stood fire better than the old one; and so carried it off honestly; and being afterwards prosecute for to return it, he excused himself, telling the judge, that he took nothing but what was given him; and therefore he was honourably acquitted, and the others heartily laughed at.
In the reign of king James the Sixth, George dining one day with the Lord Mayor, after two or three healths the ministry was tossed; but when it came to George’s turn to drink he diverted it some time by telling a story to the person who sat next him; the chief magistrate not seeing his toast go round, called out, What sticks the ministry at? At nothing, cries George, and so drank off his glass.
George being one day along with the king and his nobles a-hunting, and being but very sorrily mounted; when he was spurring up his horse, he observed the horse have a trick of falling down on his knees. George immediately thought how he should make use of that very thing to divert his Majesty; therefore pretended that his horse could set hares, and knowing some hare-seats, rode that way, to show the truth of what he affirmed; and when he had found the hare, by giving his horse a spur, he immediately clapped down; this he repeated several times, till he put the whole company in belief that what he said was true; and one of the noblemen being charmed with the performance of George’s horse, would have George to change with him; George seemed, at first, unwilling to part with his horse; but at last was prevailed upon to part with him for the nobleman’s horse, and a hundred guineas to boot. But afterwards riding thro’ a pretty deep river, the nobleman spurring his new horse, he clapped down on his belly; which George seeing, called out to the company to return with the dogs, for the nobleman’s horse had certainly set a hare: which set the whole company a-laughing. The poor nobleman was obliged to leave his horse set in the water, and waded through on foot, all wet to the shoulders.[204]
A Scotsman being reduced to poverty, made his court to George to put him in a way; George told him he would, provided he would do as he directed him. There was an old miser, an usurer and money-changer hard by; George ordered the poor fellow to pretend an errand to the miser, and when he came to the table where the heaps of money lay, to thrust his hand among the gold, but to lift none, and run off. This the poor fellow did, and was chased by the miser and his servants, who ran after him into the street, calling stop the thief; the poor fellow was stopt, (as George had desired him to let them catch him). George appeared in the mob, and went along with the poor fellow, who was carried before a judge, where he was searched; and nothing being found upon him, he was acquitted, and the miser fined in a large sum for accusing him. Afterwards George desired him to go to the same place, and thrust in both his hands, and lift up as much as he could and run off. This he did, but the miser told him, he was not such a fool as to follow him, for he knew he only desired to play the fool to have him fined again. By this means the poor fellow was enriched, and afterwards lived honestly.
George being at dinner one day, where the broth was very hot, burnt his mouth, and at the same time letting go a loud fart; It is very good for you, says George, that you made your escape, for I should have burnt you alive had you staid.