Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures

by Douglas William Jerrold

“And thus,” comments Caudle, “according to my wife, she - dear soul! - couldn’t have a satin gown - the girls couldn’t have new bonnets - the water-rate must stand over - Jack must get his death through a broken window - our fire-insurance couldn’t be paid, so that we should all fall victims to the devouring element - we couldn’t go to Margate, and Caroline would go to an early grave - the dog would come home and bite us all mad - the shutter would go banging for ever - the soot would always fall - the mice never let us have a wink of sleep - thieves be always breaking in the house - our dear Mary Anne be for ever left an unprotected maid, - and with other evils falling upon us, all, all because I would go on lending five pounds!”

LECTURE II - MR. CAUDLE HAS BEEN AT A TAVERN WITH A FRIEND, AND IS “ENOUGH TO POISON A WOMAN” WITH TOBACCO-SMOKE

“Poor me! Ha! I’m sure I don’t know who’d be a poor woman! I don’t know who’d tie themselves up to a man, if they knew only half they’d have to bear. A wife must stay at home, and be a drudge, whilst a man can go anywhere. It’s enough for a wife to sit like Cinderella by the ashes, whilst her husband can go drinking and singing at a tavern. You never sing? How do I know you never sing? It’s very well for you to say so; but if I could hear you, I daresay you’re among the worst of ’em.

“And now, I suppose, it will be the tavern every night? If you think I’m going to sit up for you, Mr. Caudle, you’re very much mistaken. No: and I’m not going to get out of my warm bed to let you in, either. No: nor Susan shan’t sit up for you. No: nor you shan’t have a latchkey. I’m not going to sleep with the door upon the latch, to be murdered before the morning.

“Faugh! Pah! Whewgh! That filthy tobacco-smoke! It’s enough to kill any decent woman. You know I hate tobacco, and yet you will do it. You don’t smoke yourself? What of that? If you go among people who do smoke, you’re just as bad, or worse. You might as well smoke - indeed, better. Better smoke yourself than come home with other people’s smoke all in your hair and whiskers.

“I never knew any good come to a man who went to a tavern. Nice companions he picks up there! Yes! people who make it a boast to treat their wives like slaves, and ruin their families. There’s that wretch Harry Prettyman. See what he’s come to! He doesn’t get home now till two in the morning; and then in what a state! He begins quarrelling with the door-mat, that his poor wife may be afraid to speak to him. A mean wretch! But don’t you think I’ll be like Mrs. Prettyman. No: I wouldn’t put up with it from the best man that ever trod. You’ll not make me afraid to speak to you, however you may swear at the door-mat. No, Mr. Caudle, that you won’t.

“You don’t intend to stay out till two in the morning?

“How do you know what you’ll do when you get among such people? Men can’t answer for themselves when they get boozing one with another. They never think of their poor wives, who are grieving and wearing themselves out at home. A nice headache you’ll have to-morrow morning - or rather this morning; for it must be past twelve. You won’t have a headache? It’s very well for you to say so, but I know you will; and then you may nurse yourself for me. Ha! that filthy tobacco again! No; I shall not go to sleep like a good soul. How’s people to go to sleep when they’re suffocated?

“Yes, Mr. Caudle, you’ll be nice and ill in the morning! But don’t you think I’m going to let you have your breakfast in bed, like Mrs. Prettyman. I’ll not be such a fool. No; nor I won’t have discredit brought upon the house by sending for soda-water early, for all the neighbourhood to say, ‘Caudle was drunk last night.’ No: I’ve some regard for the dear children, if you haven’t. No: nor you shan’t have broth for dinner. Not a neck of mutton crosses my threshold, I can tell you.

“You won’t want soda, and you won’t want broth? All the better. You wouldn’t get ’em if you did, I can assure you. - Dear, dear, dear! That filthy tobacco! I’m sure it’s enough to make me as bad as you are. Talking about getting divorced, - I’m sure tobacco ought to be good grounds. How little does a woman think, when she marries, that she gives herself up to be poisoned! You men contrive to have it all of your own side, you do. Now if I was to go and leave you and the children, a pretty noise there’d be! You, however, can go and smoke no end of pipes and - You didn’t smoke? It’s all the same, Mr. Caudle, if you go among smoking people. Folks are known by their company. You’d better smoke yourself, than bring home the pipes of all the world.