Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures

by Douglas William Jerrold

LECTURE XXIII - MRS. CAUDLE “WISHES TO KNOW IF THEY’RE GOING TO THE SEA-SIDE, OR NOT, THIS SUMMER - THAT’S ALL”

“Hot? Yes, it is hot. I’m sure one might as well be in an oven as in town this weather. You seem to forget it’s July, Mr. Caudle. I’ve been waiting quietly - have never spoken; yet, not a word have you said of the seaside yet. Not that I care for it myself - oh, no; my health isn’t of the slightest consequence. And, indeed, I was going to say - but I won’t - that the sooner, perhaps, I’m out of this world, the better. Oh, yes; I dare say you think so - of course you do, else you wouldn’t lie there saying nothing. You’re enough to aggravate a saint, Caudle; but you shan’t vex me. No; I’ve made up my mind, and never intend to let you vex me again. Why should I worry myself?

“But all I want to ask you is this: do you intend to go to the sea-side this summer?

“Yes? you’ll go to Gravesend?

“Then you’ll go alone, that’s all I know. Gravesend! You might as well empty a salt-cellar in the New River, and call that the sea-side. What?

“It’s handy for business?

“There you are again! I can never speak of taking a little enjoyment, but you fling business in my teeth. I’m sure you never let business stand in the way of your own pleasure, Mr. Caudle - not you. It would be all the better for your family if you did.

“You know that Matilda wants sea-bathing; you know it, or ought to know it, by the looks of the child; and yet - I know you, Caudle - you’d have let the summer pass over, and never said a word about the matter. What do you say?

“Margate’s so expensive?

“Not at all. I’m sure it will be cheaper for us in the end; for if we don’t go, we shall all be ill - every one of us - in the winter. Not that my health is of any consequence: I know that well enough. It never was yet. You know Margate’s the only place I can eat a breakfast at, and yet you talk of Gravesend! But what’s my eating to you? You wouldn’t care if I never ate at all. You never watch my appetite like any other husband, otherwise you’d have seen what it’s come to.