"I attempted to fulfil my promise repeatedly; but felt so restrained that I was obliged at length to relinquish all thought of doing so, considering such was not the will of God."
A letter from the Duke dated December 5 inquires the reason of this silence, and proposes calling again. To this Miss J. sent no answer; but in spite of her silence she received another note, dated London, December 22, announcing the Duke's return, and informing her that he would wait upon her the next day at three o'clock. The following account of this call is from Miss J.'s Diary:—
"During the next visit from the Duke he exclaimed, speaking of his feeling for me, 'This must be for life!' twice over successively. He then asked me if I felt sufficient for him to be with him a whole life, to which I replied: 'If it be the will of God.' I observed much excitement about him, and he in a very hurried manner told me that he was going on a visit to the King. This led me to reply, 'I wish you were going on a visit to The King,' which he evidently interpreted to mean The King of kings. He left me hastily, saying he purposed returning in a short time. In the interim I locked my door and knelt down, beseeching God to be with me and protect me, showing me what he would have me do under such marvellous circumstances. Forgetting that the door was fastened, I was obliged on the Duke's return to explain wherefore, stating that it is written, 'When thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret, and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly;' adding, 'Therefore I locked the door when you were gone, Your Grace, to kneel down and ask God to take care of me.' On hearing this his eyes dropped, but he said nothing. On his asking me why I had not written to him during his absence from town, I replied, 'Because God would not let me;' when his eyes again fell, and he was silent."
CHAPTER III.
THE FIRST DISCORD.
The Duke was again summoned out of town before he had the opportunity to repeat his call. He promised, however, to attend Miss J. upon his return at the end of a week. He was detained longer than he had anticipated, and meanwhile reflection appears to have made Miss J. doubt the propriety of her meeting him again. She writes an account of her meditations upon this subject in her Diary, and follows it with a copy of the letter she wrote to the Duke:—
"It is now this day a fortnight since the Duke paid me the visit attended by the circumstances described, which not only occasioned suffering immediately after his departure of no common nature, but daily brought with it an increasing unwillingness to submit to another interview. As this at length approached I was led to dread it and consequently to meditate on what The Will of the Lord might be. Whilst thus employed and looking up for help and guidance, these blessed promises came, 'In Me is the Help.' 'I will uphold thee,' after which I slept in peace. The following morning, (yesterday) I rose, much strengthened in spirit and prayed that I might be given grace to fulfil all the good pleasure of God with regard to one inexpressibly dear to my soul.
"I then rose from my knees, dressed me, and without the slightest idea what I was about to do descended into the parlor, which I had no sooner entered than a powerful feeling possessed me to write to the Duke, and entreat he would desist visiting me, which accordingly I was compelled to do. In order to know whether he was in town, I sent for a Newspaper, thereby learning that he arrived the day before, consequently that in two hours I could prevent a visit. As the time he mentioned as that of his stay from Town had doubly elapsed I concluded he would in all probability call that day and thus subject me to another trying visit, if immediate measures were not taken to prevent it. Therefore, I wrote on the letter 'Put in before 4 o'clock,' in which case it is to be hoped he would receive it at 6,—or at the furthest 8 o'clock, and I thus feel myself delivered from the anticipation of a visit which under present circumstances could only have been productive of a repetition of feelings I am most anxious to avoid."
Saturday, Jan. 10, 1835.