The Theater is your Poets Royal Exchange, vpon which, their Muses (that are now turnd to Merchants) meeting, barter away that light commodity of words for a lighter ware then words, Plaudities and the Breath of the great Beast, which (like the threatnings of two Cowards) vanish all into aire. Plaiers are their Factors, who put away the stuffe, and make the best of it they possibly can (as indeed tis their parts so to doe). Your Gallant, your Courtier, and your Capten, had wont to be the soundest paymaisters, and I thinke are still the surest chapmen: and these by meanes that their heades are well stockt, deale vpon this comical freight by the grosse: when your Groundling, and Gallery Commoner buyes his sport by the penny, and, like a Hagler, is glad to vtter it againe by retailing.
Sithence then the place is so free in entertainment, allowing a stoole as well to the Farmers sonne as to your Templer: that your Stinkard has the selfe same libertie to be there in his Tobacco-Fumes, which your sweet Courtier hath: and that your Car-man and Tinker claime as strong a voice in their suffrage, and sit to giue iudgement on the plaies life and death, as well as the prowdest Momus among the tribe of Critick: It is fit that hee, whom the most tailors bils do make roome for, when he comes should not be basely (like a vyoll) casd vp in a corner.
Whether therefore the gatherers of the publique or priuate Playhouse stand to receiue the after-noones rent, let our Gallant (hauing paid it) presently aduance himselfe vp to the Throne of the Stage. I meane not into the Lords roome, (which is now but the Stages Suburbs). No, those boxes, by the iniquity of custome, conspiracy of waiting-women and Gentlemen-Ushers, that there sweat together, and the couetousnes of Sharers, are contemptibly thrust into the reare, and much new Satten is there dambd by being smothred to death in darknesse. But on the very Rushes where the Commedy is to daunce, yea and vnder the state of Cambises himselfe must our fethered Estridge, like a peece of Ordnance be planted valiantly (because impudently) beating downe the mewes and hisses of the opposed rascality.
For do but cast vp a reckoning, what large cummings in are pursd vp by sitting on the Stage. First a conspicuous Eminence is gotten; by which meanes the best and most essenciall parts of a Gallant (good cloathes, a proportionable legge, white hand, the Persian lock, and a tollerable beard) are perfectly reuealed.
By sitting on the stage, you haue a signd pattent to engrosse the whole commodity of Censure; may lawfully presume to be a Girder: and stand at the helme to steere the passage of Scænes[;] yet no man shall once offer to hinder you from obtaining the title of an insolent, ouer-weening Coxcombe.
By sitting on the stage, you may (without trauelling for it) at the very next doore, aske whose play it is: and, by that Quest of inquiry, the law warrants you to auoid much mistaking; if you know not the author, you may raile against him: and peraduenture so behaue your selfe, that you may enforce the Author to know you.
By sitting on the stage, if you be a Knight, you may happily get you a Mistresse: if a mere Fleet street Gentleman, a wife: but assure yourselfe by continuall residence, you are the first and principall man in election to begin the number of We three.
By spreading your body on the stage, and by being a Justice in examining of plaies, you shall put your selfe into such true Scænical authority, that some Poet shall not dare to present his Muse rudely vpon your eyes, without hauing first vnmaskt her, rifled her, and discouered all her bare and most mysticall parts before you at a Tauerne, when you most knightly shal for his paines, pay for both their suppers.
By sitting on the stage, you may (with small cost) purchase the deere acquaintance of the boyes: haue a good stoole for sixpence: at any time know what particular part any of the infants present: get your match lighted, examine the play-suits lace, and perhaps win wagers vpon laying tis copper, &c. And to conclude whether you be a foole or a Justice of peace, a Cuckold or a Capten, a Lord Maiors sonne or a dawcocke, a knaue or an vnder-Sheriffe, of what stamp soeuer you be, currant or counterfet, the Stage, like time, will bring you to most perfect light, and lay you open: neither are you to be hunted from thence though the Scar-crows in the yard, hoot at you, hisse at you, spit at you, yea throw durt euen in your teeth: tis most Gentlemanlike patience to endure all this, and to laugh at the silly Animals: but if the Rabble with a full throat, crie away with the foole, you were worse then a mad-man to tarry by it: for the Gentleman and the foole should neuer sit on the Stage together.
Mary let this obseruation go hand in hand with the rest: or rather like a country-seruing-man, some fiue yards before them. Present not your selfe on the Stage (especially at a new play) vntill the quaking prologue hath (by rubbing) got cullor into his cheekes, and is ready to giue the trumpets their Cue that hees vpon point to enter: for then it is time, as though you were one of the Properties, or that you dropt out of the Hangings, to creepe from behind the Arras, with your Tripos or three-footed stoole in one hand, and a teston mounted betweene a forefinger and a thumbe in the other: for if you should bestow your person vpon the vulgar, when the belly of the house is but halfe full, your apparell is quite eaten vp, the fashion lost, and the proportion of your body in more danger to be deuoured, then if it were serued vp in the Counter amongst the Powltry: auoid that as you would the Bastome. It shall crowne you with rich commendation to laugh alowd in the middest of the most serious and saddest scene of the terriblest Tragedy: and to let that clapper (your tongue) be tost so high that all the house may ring of it: your Lords vse it; your Knights are Apes to the Lords, and do so too: your Inne-a-court-man is Zany to the Knights, and (many very scuruily) comes likewise limping after it: bee thou a beagle to them all, and neuer lin snuffing till you haue scented them: for by talking and laughing (like a Plough-man in a Morris) you heap Pelion vpon Ossa, glory vpon glory: As first, all the eyes in the galleries will leaue walking after the Players, and onely follow you: the simplest dolt in the house snatches vp your name, and when he meetes you in the streetes, or that you fall into his hands in the middle of a Watch, his word shall be taken for you: heele cry, Hees such a Gallant, and you passe. Secondly, you publish your temperance to the world, in that you seeme not to resort thither to taste vaine pleasures with a hungrie appetite: but onely as a Gentleman, to spend a foolish houre or two, because yoe can doe nothing else. Thirdly you mightily disrelish the Audience, and disgrace the Author: mary, you take vp (though it be at the worst hand) a strong opinion of your owne iudgement and inforce the Poet to take pitty of your weakenesse, and, by some dedicated sonnet to bring you into a better paradice, onely to stop your mouth.