Tales of a Vanishing River

by Earl H. Reed

“I was of co’se compelled, much against my wish, to hawss-whip the editah of that rotten sheet. He was not a gentleman and I could not challenge him, suh, and it was matteh of pussonal honah. The facts ah substantially as he states in that sizzling angel song that you have just read.

“I want to say, suh, that I nevah spent a moah pleasant thi’ty days in my life than I spent in that jail. I was theah in a good cause, and I am sorry it was not sixty days. The sheriff treated me with puffect cou’tesy, and I was called on and congratulated by many people who had strong private opinions of that editah.

“Those noble women made my incahceration a pleasuah, and I may say, suh, without vanity, that I have nevah been oblivious or insensible to the effect that I have always had upon ladies. Soft and beseeching eyes have been cast upon me all my life, suh. I discovered in that jail that iron bars cannot destroy beautiful visions.

“I was provided with papeh, and I was enabled to do a great deal of wo’k on my memoahs, and I have included in them the events of the past few months, but what I sta’ted to tell you was the unrevealed facts of that robbery, suh.

“In odeh that you may get a clear idea of just what happened, I must take you back to the awful days of ouah wah. Theah was a high bo’n southe’n gentleman in my regiment, suh, named Majah Speed. He came f’om one of the best families in Tennessee. Theah was a most unfo’tunate pussonal resemblance between us, and even when we were togetheh, ouah best friends could ha’dly tell us apaht. In o’deh not to continue to embarrass ouah friends, we drew straws to decide who should raise a chin bea’d in addition to his moustache. The Majah lost, and I still have my military moustache without any hawsstail whiskehs to spoil it. I may say, suh, that I have no doubt that my moustache had its effect in making my stay at the jail delightful.

“The Majah and I have always kept ouah correspondence up. He came to see me just befoah that explosion at the cou’t house. He was in that town when it took place, and he was the man who was pussued by that posse and that damn dawg, whose favah he won with a piece of bologna sausage.

“Afteh the Majah entered the ma’sh he came directly to my house and explained the whole affaiah. We sunk the boat he came in with some stones in the rivah.

“That infe’nal Milt Tuttle, who was the cle’k in the treasurer’s office, was the scoundrel that got the money. His folks came f’om Tennessee, and he knew the Majah. He was aweah that the Majah’s circumstances weah much reduced, and that he had lost what he had left in the wo’ld at ca’ds. He knew that the Majah would do almost anything to retrieve his fo’tunes. The love of money was always the trouble with the Majah, but we all have to be tolerant of the weaknesses of ouah friends, suh.

“That scoundrel Milt Tuttle sent money to Tennessee foh my friend the Majah to come up heah. He did not know me, or that I knew the Majah. When the Majah came no’th he came directly to see me and spent several days at my place. We went down on the ma’sh togetheh. He told me about Milt Tuttle and said he would come back and pay me a longeh visit a little lateh.

“My friend Majah Speed went to the county seat, and the da’k scoundrelly plan of Milt Tuttle was laid befoah him. In a moment of weakness the Majah fell, and consented to blow open that safe and divide what he found with Milt Tuttle. The tools and the explosive compound were hidden in the office by Milt Tuttle, and during several visits he explained to the Majah how he was to proceed. He gave him a duplicate key to the side entrance of the office around the end of the hall, and a map of the route he was to take afteh he had finished his wo’k, and on this map was the place wheah he was to leave half of what he found in the safe. He was to cross the ma’sh and make his way south to Tennessee afteh it was all oveh.