What hands are those which work night and day, yet never wear out; which, although they strike, do not stop? Clock hands.
What's the difference between a gardener and a billiard marker? One minds his peas, the other his cues.
What is that which denotes the state of mind and of the body? The tongue.
Why are books your best friends? Because, when they bore you, you can shut them up without giving offense.
Why, when you are out in a boat, should you never be surprised by a sudden squall? Because, if you go for a sale, you may expect to be sold.
Why is no country free? Because anybody is liable to be sold by auction whom it is possible for the auctioneer to take in.
Why, if a man has a gallery of paintings, may you pick his pockets? Because he has picked yours (pictures).
Why are pipes all humbugs? Because the best of them are but meer-shams.
Where can you find every word of your last interesting conversation with Miss all written down, word for word? In the dictionary.
What is that which a cat has but no other animal? Kittens.