Why can you never tell real hysterics from sham ones? Because in either case it is a feint (faint).
When may ladies who are enjoying themselves be said to look wretched? When at the opera, as then they are in tiers.
When is a bonnet not a bonnet? When it becomes a pretty woman.
Why is a vine like a soldier? Because it is 'listed, trained, has tendrils, and then shoots.
Why is a miserly uncle with whom you have quarreled like a person with a short memory? Because he is ever for-getting, and never for-giving.
Why are worn-out clothes like children without parents? Because they are left off'uns (orphans).
What is the difference between a milkmaid and a swallow? One skims the milk, the other the water.
Why is a very demure young lady like a tugboat? Because she pays no attention to the swells that follow her.
What smells most in a chemist's shop? The nose.
Who is your greatest friend? Your nose, because it will run for you till it drops.