When can an Irish servant answer two questions at the same time? When she is asked, "What's o'clock, and where's the cold chicken?" if she replies, "Sure, it's ate."
Why would an owl be offended at your calling him a pheasant? Because you would be making game of him.
Why can a fish never be in the dark? Because of his parraffins (pair o' fins).
When is a candle like an ill-conditioned, quarrelsome man? When it is put out before it has had time to flare up and blaze away.
Why is love like a candle? Because the longer it burns the less it becomes.
What is the difference between a tight boot and an oak tree? One makes acorns, the other makes corns ache.
Why does the east wind never blow straight? Because it blows oblique (blows so bleak).
What is the difference between a première danseuse and a duck? One goes quick on her beautiful legs, the other goes "quack" on her beautiful eggs.
What is the difference between a French pastry-cook and a billsticker? One puffs up paste, the other pastes up puffs.
Why is it vulgar to sing and play by yourself? Because it is so-lo.