All farmers who have made money should be let off, provided they made money by real farming and not by selling fancy cattle, poultry, etc., at startling prices. Real farming is a man’s job, and those who succeed at it deserve to be patted on the back. The fellows who sell the blooded stock belong in about the same class as the bond salesman—we will come to these later on.
The married couples who bring up and properly educate, say four or more children, are also deserving. If their children are grateful so much the better; if they chip in and support their father and mother—fine! In the last case we might safely except everybody concerned.
Of course we must except the lame, the halt and the blind; and perhaps a few others have been unintentionally skipped, but there seem to be few others. Now we come to those who need punishment of some kind.
First among these are the office-holders. There are a few among them who really earn all they get—but not many. Office holding ought to be made a dangerous business, and running for the Presidency punished with death.
Bankers ought to be periodically inspected and made to give an account of themselves, so should lawyers, and real-estate agents. The doctors, some of them, need watching. They are a frightfully jealous lot and outside testimony only, can be relied on. If a good one is found he should be patted on the back. There are a lot of these but most of them live in the country where the air is good. Those who live in the city and have hospitals where they charge $100.00 for opening a pimple and $25.00 for giving you four ounces of ether should be heavily docked and then fined.
There are far too many wholesale and retail merchants and too few farmers. We might well cut out half of the merchants for a start and make them move out on farms where they could be really useful. If they commit suicide instead of farming, so much the better. There are also too many book agents and bond salesmen and brokers and clerks in stores. Too many newspapers are published and too much paper wasted in doing it. This needs regulating. The best way to do it is to tax these things and let the farmers alone for the present, until they have $5.00 ahead.
And the fellows who are loafing around waiting for a bonus should be put to a painless death. They will never be of any real use. The labor agitators and strike leaders are in the way, too.
Anybody who spends his time loafing or playing golf should be stopped, questioned and put to work. If he refuses he should be shipped off to an island set apart for the purpose where he must work or starve.
All such wealthy ones should be treated as indicated and some of those not wealthy but who belong to the same classes need much the same treatment.
While we are about it we may perhaps just as well do a little more regulating. The Germans, for example, have too many children and the French too few. We should take warning and govern ourselves accordingly. Of course some people claim that these things are regulated by Providence but it seems probable that there are other forces at work. Four children to a family seems to be about right and it is suggested that a committee, all the members of which have done their full duty and are from Missouri, be appointed to see that there are no slackers. This is a species of wealth that needs regulating as well as other kinds.