The old maids and old bachelors should be heavily taxed unless they can satisfy a Missouri committee that they have made determined efforts to commit matrimony. In that case they should have assistance.
All would-be voters should be carefully examined before it is allowed and the recall and repeal should be in order. Every voter should be able to spell his or her name, tell what rivers run through and by Easton, where the Atlantic is situated and what Sing Sing is noted for. After all are educated up to this point, the tests should gradually be toughened until only those really fit can vote. They should be made to vote every time. Gradually, in this way, every man can learn how to milk cows, husk corn, run a plow and chase the pigs out of the oats. The women will be able to darn stockings, bake bread, sew shirts and run a bridge party.
By the time these ideas are put to work the millennium will be close at hand and we need no longer flee from the tax gatherer or hide from the bond salesman.
The Skin of the Bear
This story, according to De Comines, was told by the Emperor Frederick III of Germany to an emissary of King Louis XI of France who wished him to conspire against the Duke of Burgundy to their mutual advantage:
Two ne’er-do-wells living in the interior of Germany had patronized the local inn keeper without paying his bill until the latter became weary. He finally told them that he would give them no more credit. They soon became hungry, thirsty and desperate, and consulted together as to how they might once more establish their credit. While engaged in thus scheming their hunger and thirst steadily increased until it became overpowering. Now you must know that the villagers had been greatly harried by a monstrous big black bear who, from the adjoining forest, ravaged their flocks and their gardens. He was especially fond of sheep and almost nightly carried off and devoured them. Nothing was any longer safe in the village night or day and large rewards were offered to anyone who would kill him and thus save them from loss. This was known to the two bums who proceeded to make use of it with the good natured landlord. They told him if he would only give them enough to eat and drink to appease their hunger and thirst they would at once go in search of the bear and proceed to kill him and take off his hide. This, they assured the inn keeper, was an enormous hide and its sale would yield a large sum which they proposed to use in extinguishing their debt and any future advances he might see fit to make. This was not all; with the rewards they would collect they should become opulent, and they promised to spend this at his house, so that all this money would in the long run come to him alone. The tavern keeper was of an optimistic turn of mind and listened to their tale with renewed hope, finally agreeing to do as they asked. The two conspirators, as soon as they had filled their bellies started out in quest of the bear. Now it happened that bruin had become hungry earlier than usual that evening and that he had started to forage earlier. After eating several ears of corn which he took from a field alongside the road he hurried along in the gathering dusk toward the village. The adventurers were headed in the opposite direction on the same road and they rapidly drew together. The bear was the first to detect their approach with a loud Whoof! This startled the bums and frightened them very badly. Without the least delay, the eldest promptly took to a tree which, fortunately for him, spread its branches close by the road. The second loafer was so badly frightened that he fell down in a dead faint and lay upon the ground without motion. Without hesitating the bear trotted up and smelled the man by putting his nose to the latter’s ear. Finding no motion, and thinking the man dead, the bear, after taking several sniffs and turning the fellow over with a thrust of its paw, proceeded on its way. After a short time the tree climber descended and ran off as fast as his legs could carry him. The man who had fainted presently recovered and proceeded to do likewise. Seeing his friend scampering along at a great pace some distance ahead he hailed him and his friend stopped and allowed him to come up. Together they proceeded toward the town and related their tale to the landlord, not without much embellishment. The tavern keeper finally agreed, in consideration of the difficulty of their task, to give a further extension of credit. But the tree climber was dissatisfied and proceeded to question his fellow bum. “What did the bear ask you,” said he, “when he whispered in your ear?” His mate replied: “He did not whisper to me.”
“Yes he did,” said the first, “he whispered in your ear for some time. Did I not see him do it? Try not to deceive me, it will be in vain.”
Now the faint-hearted one was also a wit and he, therefore, hesitated and finally confessed that something had passed, but declared he was not obliged to divulge it. This made the first bum angry and he assailed his fellow with threats and reproaches. But still the latter declined to divulge the secret. This led to renewed threats and finally to blows. The possessor of the secret was vanquished and finally agreed to tell it to his fellow, but only in the presence of the landlord and the village magistrate. It was also agreed that after telling the secret he should be allowed to go free without further molestation. To this clause the landlord, whose curiosity had been aroused, also agreed; further, he promised to protect the possessor of the secret. These details having been arranged the parties met one morning in the house of the magistrate. The second vagabond first recited the agreement and having procured the assent of all parties began as follows: