CHAPTER I.
Birth, 1748.—Early visitations of Divine grace.—Apprenticeship.—Trials and temptations.—Marriage, 1771.—Renewed visitations of Divine love.—Appearance in the Ministry.—Situation of Friends during the war.—Journey to Philadelphia, 1779.—Visit to Friends on the Main, 1781.—Illness, 1781.—Visit on Long Island, 1782.—Visit to the Meetings on the Main, 1782.
Having experienced many mercies and preservations, both spiritual and temporal, in passing through this probationary state, I am induced to record some little account of them, under a sense of humble gratitude to my gracious and merciful Creator and Preserver.
I was born on the 19th day of the third month, 1748, in the township of Hempstead, in Queens county, on Long Island. My parents, John and Martha Hicks, were descended from reputable families, and sustained a good character among their friends and those who knew them. My father was a grandson of Thomas Hicks, of whom our worthy friend Samuel Bownas makes honourable mention in his journal, and by whom he was much comforted and strengthened, when imprisoned through the envy of George Keith, at Jamaica, on Long Island. Neither of my parents were members in strict fellowship with any religious society, until some little time before my birth. My father was at that period united in membership with Friends; but as his residence was mostly at some distance from meetings and in a neighbourhood where very few Friends lived, my associates, when young, were chiefly among those of other religious persuasions, or, what was still worse for me, among those who made no profession of religion at all. This exposed me to much temptation; and though I early felt the operation of divine grace, checking and reproving me for my lightness and vanity, yet being of a lively active spirit, and ambitious of excelling in my play and diversions, I sometimes exceeded the bounds of true moderation, for which I often felt close conviction and fears on my pillow in the night season.
When I was about eight years old, my father removed his habitation and settled on a farm which his father had left him, on the south side of the island, near the sea shore. This introduced a new scene of diversion to my active mind, which was prone to pleasure and self-gratification. The shore abounded with fish and wild fowl, and I soon began to occupy myself with angling for the former, and shooting the latter. These amusements gained an ascendency in my mind, and although they were diversions for which I felt condemnation at later periods, yet I am led to believe that they were, at this time, profitable to me in my exposed condition, as they had a tendency to keep me more at and about home, and often prevented my joining with loose company, which I had frequent opportunities of doing without my father’s knowledge. My mother was removed by death when I was about eleven years of age, and my father was left with the care of six children, three older, and two younger, than myself; and although he endeavoured to keep his children within the limits of truth, yet opportunities sometimes occurred to join with vain companions. But the Lord was graciously near to my poor soul in my tender years; and he followed me with his reproofs, and his dread made me afraid.
When I was about thirteen years of age, I was placed with one of my elder brothers who was married, and lived at some distance from my father’s residence. I was here without any parental restraint; and mixing with gay associates, I lost much of my youthful innocence, and was led wide from the salutary path of true religion, learning to sing vain songs, and to take delight in running horses. Yet I did not give way to any thing which was commonly accounted disreputable, having always a regard to strict honesty, and to such a line of conduct as comported with politeness and good breeding. Nevertheless, I became considerably hardened in vanity, and on several occasions in riding races was exposed to great danger; and had it not been for the providential care of my heavenly father, my life would have fallen a sacrifice to my folly and indiscretion. O my soul, what wilt, or canst thou render unto the Lord for all his benefits, for his mercies are new every morning!
About the seventeenth year of my age, I was put an apprentice to learn the trade of a house carpenter and joiner, and this by no means placed me in a more favourable situation than before; for my master, although considered an orderly man, and one who frequently attended Friends’ meetings, was yet in an eager pursuit after temporal riches, and was of but little use to me in my religious improvement. We had to go from place to place, as our business called, to attend to our work, and I was thereby introduced into hurtful company, and learned to dance and to pursue other frivolous and vain amusements. During my apprenticeship I passed through many trials and much exposure; and I have often thought, that had it not been for the interposition of divine mercy and goodness, I should have fallen a prey to the varied temptations which surrounded me; for although I was overtaken in many faults, in which my poor soul was deeply wounded, and for which I afterwards felt the just indignation of an offended God, yet when I have looked back on this scene of my life, and recounted the many snares that I escaped, all that is truly sensible within me has been bowed in humble admiration of the Lord’s mercies and deliverance; and in reverent gratitude, I was made to praise and magnify his great and adorable name, “who is over all. God blessed for ever.” In the midst of my vanity and exposure, the Lord, as a gracious father, was often near; and when I was alone, he inclined my mind to solid meditations.—Some of my leisure hours were occupied in reading the Scriptures, in which I took considerable delight, and it tended to my real profit and religious improvement.
My youthful companions would often endeavour to persuade me and each other, that the amusements, in which we spent much of our precious time, were innocent; yet being very early convinced by the divine light that its teachings were truth, it had, in my calmer moments, an ascendency in my mind over all the reasonings and persuasions of men. Nevertheless, I had such a proneness to levity and self-gratification, that I often ran counter to clear conviction, and went on for a considerable time, sinning and repenting; for the Lord in great mercy had regard to me in my tried condition, and often opened a door of reconciliation to my poor soul. But I was too weak to keep my covenants in the midst of so many temptations, until by his righteous judgments, mixed with adorable mercy, he opened to my mind, in a very clear manner, the danger I was in of falling into eternal ruin.
Under the weight of this impression, my heart, in the midst of merriment, was often made very sad; and while engaged in the dance my soul was deeply sensible of its evil and folly: even my reasoning powers, when thus enlightened by the clear evidence of divine light, were made to loathe it as a senseless and insipid pursuit, and utterly unworthy of a rational being. But although I formed resolutions to refrain from this evil and others of a like nature, yet it was difficult to resist the importunities of my companions; and I found by experience, that if I would altogether cease from them, I must wholly withdraw from the company of those who were inclined to such pursuits. On the last occasion that I was present at a dance, and in which I was pressed to take a part, I was brought under great concern of mind, and was struck with a belief, that if I now gave way after forming so many resolutions, and should again rebel against the light, I might be left in an obdurate situation, and never have another offer of pardon. I also clearly saw that this would be just, and that my blood would be upon my own head; and feeling the dread of the Almighty to cover me, and a cry raised in my soul towards him, when I was called to participate in the dance, it seemed as though all my limbs were fettered, and I sat down and informed the company that I was now resolved to go no further. I was deeply tried, but the Lord was graciously near; and as my cry was secretly to him for strength, he enabled me to covenant with him, that if he would be pleased in mercy to empower me, I would for ever cease from this vain and sinful amusement: and he instructed me, that if I would escape the danger of another trial, I must keep myself separate from such companions; and blessed for ever be his right worthy name, in that he hath enabled me to keep this my covenant with him from that time inviolate.
In looking back to this season of deep probation, my soul has been deeply humbled; for I had cause to believe that if I had withstood at this time the merciful interposition of divine love, and had rebelled against this clear manifestation of the Lord’s will, he would have withdrawn his light from me, and my portion would have been among the wicked, cast out for ever from the favourable presence of my judge. I should also for ever have been obliged to acknowledge his mercy and justice, and acquit the Lord my redeemer, who had done so much for me; for with longsuffering and much abused mercy he had waited patiently for my return, and would have gathered me before that time, as I well knew, as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings, but I would not. Therefore it is the earnest desire of my spirit, that the youth, and others whom it may concern, may wisely ponder their ways, and not think that the frivolous excuses which those make, who endeavour to justify themselves in such vain and wicked diversions, by saying that their parents judge it innocent, or their teachers have instructed them so to believe, or that under the law it was deemed admissible, will stand them in any stead in the day of solemn inquisition: for what are all these carnal reasonings worth, when weighed in the balance of the sanctuary, against one single conviction of the divine light in the secret of the heart. The last is clear and self-evident; the others are mere evasive excuses: and I often reflect with surprise on the conduct of those parents, who are spending their substance in hiring idle dancingmasters to teach their children this unnatural and unchristian practice, and who plead for excuse the example of righteous David. But how unlike is their dancing to his, who did it only in worship and honour to his God, and in conformity with the outward dispensation under which he lived. We have, however, a better and higher example than David, the Lord Jesus Christ, who is the mediator of a better covenant; this covenant is inward, even the law written upon the heart, which no outward example of others can ever abrogate or disannul; nor do his doctrines or self-denying example in any wise approbate or justify this foolish and idle practice, but, in all parts thereof, condemn and disapprove it: for if none can be his disciples, except those who deny themselves, and take up their cross daily, as assuredly no others can, how can those be acceptable to him who are living in the daily gratification of their own licentious wills, and spending their precious time and talents in such fruitless and vain sports.