When these had departed, a gigantic fiend calls loudly for clearing the bar, and throws down thereat a man who was a load in himself. “What hast thou there?” demanded Lucifer. “An innkeeper,” answered he. “What?” cried the King, “only one innkeeper, when they used to come by the thousands. Hast thou, sirrah, not been out for ten years, and dost bring hither but one, and such an one as would serve us in the world better than thee, foul lazy hound!” “You are too just to condemn me before hearing me,” pleaded he, “he was the only one laid to my charge, and now I am rid of him. But I despatched you from his house many an idler who drank his family’s maintenance, and now and then a dicer, and card player, a fine swearer, an innocent glutton, a negligent tapster and a maid, harsh in the kitchen, but never a kinder abed or in the cellar.” “Although this fellow deserves to be with the flatterers beneath,” said the Evil One, “natheless take him to his comrades in the cell of the liquid-poisoners, among the apothecaries and drugsters who have concocted drinks to murder their customers; boil him well for that he did not brew better beer.” “By your leave,” began the innkeeper tremblingly, “I deserve no such treatment, the trade must be carried on.” “Couldst thou not have lived,” quoth the Evil One, “without allowing rioting and gambling, wantonness and drunkenness, oaths and quarrels, slanders and lies? and wouldst thou, old hell-hound, now live better than we? Prithee, tell what evil have we here which thou hadst not at thine home, save the punishment alone? Indeed, to speak the plain truth here, the infernal heat and cold are nothing new to thee. Hast thou not seen sparks of our fire upon the tongues of the cursers and the scolds, whilst dragging their husbands home? Was there not a deal of the undying flame on the drunkard’s lips or in the eyes of the angry? And couldst thou not perceive a trace of hellish cold in the rake’s generosity, and especially in thine own kindness towards him as long as he had anything in his possession; in the mocker’s jest; in the praise of the envious and of the defamer, in the promises of the lecherous, or in the limbs of thy boon companions, benumbed beneath thy tables? Is hell strange to thee whose very home is a hell? Aroint thee, flamhound, to thy penance!”
After that ten devils, panting heavily, drop their burdens upon the fiery floor. “What have ye?” asked Lucifer. “We have what a day or two ago were called kings,” answered one of the fiendish steeds. (I sought carefully to see whether Lewis of France were among them.) “Throw them here,” bade the King; and at that they were thrown amongst the other crowned heads that lay beneath Lucifer’s feet; and following the monarchs came their courtiers and their flatterers to receive sentence. Before I had time to ask any question, I heard the blast of brazen trumpets and shouts. “Make way, make way,” and at once there came in view a herd of assize-men and devils bearing the train of six justices, and millions of their race—barristers, [95a] attorneys, clerks, recorders, bailiffs, catchpolls, and the litigous busybody. I wondered that none of them was examined; but in truth, they knew the matter had gone too far against them, so none of the learned counsels opened their lips, but the busybody threatened that he would bring an action for false imprisonment against Lucifer. “Thou shalt have good cause of complaint now,” said the Evil One, “and never see a court at all.” Then he donned his red cap, and with unbearable, haughty mien, said: “Go, take the justices to the hall of Pontius Pilate, to Master Bradshaw, who condemned King Charles; pack the barristers with the assassins of Sir Edmundbury Godfrey, [95b] and their other false co-partners who simulate mutual contention, merely in order to slay whomsoever might interpose. Go, greet that prudent lawyer, who, when dying offered a thousand pounds for a good conscience, and ask whether he is now willing to give more. Roast the lawyers by the fire of their own parchments and papers till their learned bowels burst forth; let the litigous busybodies hang above them with their nostrils deepest down the roasting chimneys, in order to inhale the noxious vapors arising thence, to see if they will ever get their fill of law. Throw the recorders amongst the retailers who prevent or forestall the sale of corn, who mix it and sell the mixture at double the price of the pure corn: similarly, they demand for wrong double the fees formerly given for right. As to the catchpolls, let them free to hunt about and lie in the ravines and bushes of the earth, to capture those that are debtors to the infernal crown; for what devil of you could do the work better than they?”
Shortly there appear twenty demons, like Scotch-men, with packs across their shoulders, which they cast down before the throne of despair, and which turned out to be gipsies. “Ho there!” cried Lucifer, “how was it that ye who knew the fortune of others so well, did not know that your own fortune was leading you hither?” No answer was given, for they were amazed at seeing here beings uglier than themselves. “Throw the tan-faced loons to the witches,” bade the King, “there are no cats or rush-lights here for them, but divide a frog between them every ten thousand years, if they will be quiet and not deafen us with their barbarous chatter.”
After them came, methought, thirty labourers. Everybody wondered to see so many of that honest calling, so seldom did any of them appear; but they did not all come from the same parts nor for like faults—some for raising prices, many for withholding their tithes, and defrauding the parson of his dues, others for leaving their work to follow after the gentry, and who in trying to stride along with their masters, strained themselves, some for doing work on the Sabbath, some for thinking of their sheep and kine in church, instead of giving attention to the reading of Holy Writ, and others for wrongful bargains. When Lucifer began to question them, lo! they were all as pure as gold, and not one of them found anything amiss in himself so as to deserve such a dwelling place. One can scarcely believe what neat excuses each one had to hide his sin, although they were already in hell for it, offering them merely out of evil disposition to thwart Lucifer and to accuse the righteous Judge, who had condemned them, of injustice. But it was still more astonishing to see how cleverly the Evil One exposed their foul sins, and how he answered with a home-thrust their false excuses. When these were about to receive their infernal doom, forty scholars were borne forward by porpoise-shaped fiends, uglier, if possible, than Lucifer himself. And when they heard the labourers pleading, they too waxed bold to give excuses, but what ready answers the old Serpent had for them with all their knavery and learning! As it happened that I heard similar pleas in another court of justice I will hereafter recount them together, and now proceed with what I saw in the meantime.
Lucifer had barely pronounced their sentence—that they should be driven to the great glacier in the land of eternal ice, a doom that set their teeth a-gnashing, even before they saw their prison, when suddenly, hell again most marvellously resounded with the crash of terrible bolts, with loud-rolling thunder, and with every noise of war. Lucifer loured and grew pale; in a moment, there flew in a wry-footed imp, panting and trembling. “What is the matter?” cried Lucifer. “A matter fraught with the greatest peril for you since hell is hell,” said the dwarf, “all the ends of the kingdom of darkness have risen up against you and against each other, especially those between whom there was longstanding enmity, who are already locked together fang to fang, so that it is impossible to pull them apart. Soldiers have attacked the doctors for taking away their trade of slaughter; a myriad userers have fallen upon the lawyers, for claiming a share in the business of robbery; the busybodies and the swindlers are tearing the gentlemen, limb-meal, for unnecessary swearing and cursing, whereby they gained their living. Harlots and their minions, and a million other old friends and former comrades have fallen out with one another irreconcilably. But worst of all is the fray raging between the misers and their own offspring, for wasting the goods and money which, the old pinchfists aver, ‘cost us much pain on earth, and here endless anguish.’ Their sons, on the other hand, cursing and rending them outrageously, call for eternal ruin upon their heads for leaving overmuch wealth to madden them with pride and riotous living, when a little, under the blessing of heaven, would have rendered them happy in both worlds.” “Enough, enough,” cried Lucifer, “there is more need of arms than words. Return, sirrah, and play the spy in every watch to find the where and why of this great negligence, for there’s some treachery in the air we wot not of as yet.” The imp departed at his bidding, and in the meantime Lucifer and his compeers arose in terror and exceeding fear, and ordered the levying of the bravest armies of the black angels; and having disposed them, he himself started foremost to quell the rebellion, his chieftains and their hosts going other ways. The royal army, like shafts of lightning across the hideous gloom, advanced (and we in their rear); ere long the uproar falls upon their ears; a fiendish bellower cries, “Silence, in the King’s name!” to no purpose, it would be an easier task to hale apart old beavers than one of these. But when Lucifer’s veterans dashed into their midst, the growls, and blows, and battering lessened. “Silence in Lucifer’s name!” roared the devil a second time. “What is this,” demanded the King, “and who are these?” “Nothing, sire, but that in the general confusion, the drovers came across the cuckolds, and set a-butting to prove whose horns were the harder; it might have turned out seriously, had not your horned giants joined in the affray.” “Well,” said Lucifer, “since ye are all so ready with your arms, come with me to trounce the other rebels.” But when the rumour reached these that Lucifer was approaching with three horned armies, everyone made for his lair.
So he marched on across the desolate plains unresisted, and seeking in vain the cause of the revolt. After a while, however, one of the King’s spies returns, quite out of breath: “Most noble, Lucifer! Moloch, your prince, hath subdued part of the North, and hath cut thousands to pieces upon the glaciers, but there are three or four dangerous evils still threatening you.” “Whom meanest thou?” asked Lucifer. “The Slanderer, the Busybody, and the Lawmonger, have broken out of their prisons and got free.” “No wonder then,” said the Evil One, “if further troubles arise.” Then there comes another spy from the South, informing that matters would soon reach a dire pass in that quarter if the three who had already thrown the West into utter confusion be not taken, namely, the Huntress, the Rogue and the Swaggerer. “Since the day I tempted Adam from his garden,” said Satan, who stood next but one to Lucifer, “I have never seen so many evils of his race at liberty together. The Huntress, the Swaggerer, the Rogue, on the one hand, and on the other, the Slanderer, the Lawmonger and the Busybody—a mixture would make devils reach.” “Little wonder, verily,” said Lucifer, “that they were so much hated by all on earth, seeing that they are capable of causing such trouble to us here.” Not long after, the Huntress comes to meet the King upon the way. “Ho! grandam o’ the breeches,” cries a shrill-voiced demon, “good night to you.” “Thy grandam on which side, prithee?” said she, displeased because he did not “madam” her. “You are a fine king, Lucifer, to keep such impudent rascals about you; a thousand pities that such a vast realm should be under so impotent a ruler; would that I might be made its regent.” Then comes the Swaggerer, nodding in the dark—“Your humble servant, sir,” saith he to one, over his shoulder; “Are you quite well?” to another; “Can I be of any service to you?” addressing a third, with a leering smirk, and to the Huntress: “Your beauty quite fascinates me, madam.” “Oh oh,” cried she, “away with the hell-hound;” and all join in the shout: “Away with this new tormentor, hell on hell that he is!” “Let both be bound together hand and foot,” commanded Lucifer. Soon after the Lawmonger comes on the scene between two devils. “Ho, ho, thou angel of peace,” exclaimed Lucifer, “hast thou come? Keep him safe, guards, at your peril!” Before we had gone far, the Rogue and the Slanderer appeared, chained between forty devils, and whispering to one another. “Most noble Lucifer,” began the Rogue, “I am very sorry there is so much disturbance in your kingdom; but if I may be heard, I will teach you a better method. Under the pretence of holding a Parliament, you can cite all the damned into the burning Evildom, and then bid the devils hurl them headlong to bottomless perdition, and lock them up in its vortex, to trouble you no more.” “But the Common Meddler is still missing,” said Lucifer, frowning most darkly at the Rogue. When we reached once more the entrance of the infernal court, who should come straight to meet the King but the Busybody. “Ah, your majesty, I have a word with you.” “And I have one or two with you, peradventure,” said the Evil One. “I have been over the half of Hell,” said he, “to see how your affairs went. You have many officers in the East who are remiss, and take their ease instead of attending to the torturing of their prisoners and to their safe keeping; it was this that gave rise to the great rebellion. And moreover many of your fiends, and of the lost whom you sent to the world to tempt men, have not returned, although their time is up, and others have come, but hide rather than give an account of their doings.”
Then commanded Lucifer his herald to summon a second Parliament, and in the twinkling of an eye all the potentates and their officers were again in attendance at their infernal Eisteddfod. The first thing done was to change the officers, and to order a place to be made round the mouth of the pit for the Swaggerer and the Huntress, linked face to face, and for the other rebels, bound topsy-turvy together; and a law was published that whosoever of the demons or of the damned thenceforth transgressed his duty should be thrown into their midst till doomsday. At these words all the fiends and even Lucifer himself trembled and were sore perturbed. Then next came the trial of the devils and the lost who had been sent to earth to find “associates and co-partners of their loss;” the devils gave a clear account, but the statement of the damned was so hazy and uncertain, that they were driven to the ever-burning school, and there scourged with fiery, knotted serpents to teach them their task the better. “Here’s a wench that’s pretty enough when dressed up,” said an imp, “she was sent up into the world to gain you new subjects; and whom should she first tempt but a weary ploughman, homeward wending his way, late from his toils, who, instead of succumbing to her wiles, went on his knees praying to be saved from the devil and his angels.” “Ho there!” cried Lucifer, “throw her to that worthless losel who long ago loved Einion ab Gwalchmai of Mona.” [102] “Stay, stay,” pleaded the fair one, “this is but my first offence; there is yet scarcely a year since the day when all was over with me, when I was condemned to your cursed state, Oh king of woes!” “No, there is not yet three weeks,” said the demon that had brought her there. “How therefore,” said she, “would you have me be as skilled as those lost beings who have been here three or four centuries hunting their prey? If you desire better service at my hands, let me go free into the world once more to roam about uncensured; and if I bring you not twenty adulterers for every year I am out, mete me what punishment you list.” Nevertheless the verdict went against her, and she was doomed to live a hundred long years under chastisement, that she might be more careful a second time. Presently, another devil entered, pushing to the front a man. “Here is a fine messenger,” he said, “who wandering the other night in his old neighbourhood above, saw a thief stealing a stallion, but could not help him even to catch the foal without showing himself; and the thief, when he saw him, abandoned that career for ever.” “Begging the court’s pardon,” said the man, “if the thief’s child was endowed with power from above to see me, could I help that? Moreover, this is only a single case; ’t is not a hundred years since that day which put an end to all my hopes for ever, and how many of my own family and of my neighbours have I enticed here after me in that time? Perdition hold me, if I am not as dutiful to my trade as the best of you, but the wisest is sometimes at fault.” Then said Lucifer: “Throw him into the school of the fairies, who are still under castigation for their mischievous tricks in days gone by, when they were wont to strangle and threaten their neighbours, and so awaken them from their torpor; for their fear probably had more influence upon them than forty sermons.”
Then came four constables, an accuser, and fifteen of the damned, dragging forward two devils. “Lest you lay the blame of every wrongful service upon the children of Adam,” said the accuser, “here are two of your old angels who misspent their time above as much as the two who were last before the court. Here is a rogue quite as worthless as that one at Shrewsbury the other day, when the Interlude of Doctor Faustus was being played, amidst all manner of most wanton and lascivious revelries, and where many things were going on conducive to the welfare of your realm; when they were busiest, the devil himself appeared to play his part, and so drove all away from pleasure to prayers. Even so this one, in his wanderings over the world: he heard some people talk of walking round the church [104] to see their sweethearts, and what should the fool do but show himself to the simpletons in his own natural form, and though their fright was great they recovered their senses, and made a vow to leave that vanity for ever; whereas had he only assumed the form of some vile jades, they would have held themselves bound to accept those; and so the foul fiend might have been master of the household with both parties, since he himself had mated them. And here is another, who went, last Twelfth Night, to visit two Welsh lasses who were turning their shifts, and instead of enticing them to wantonness in the form of a fair youth, to one he took a bier, to make her thoughts more serious; to the other, he went with the tumult of war in a hellish whirlwind, to make her madder than before; and this was quite needless. Nor was this all; for after he had entered the maiden, and had thrown her about, and sorely tormented her, some of our learned enemies were sent for to pray for her and to cast him out, and instead of tempting her to despair and endeavouring to win over the preachers, he began to preach to them, and to disclose the mysteries of your kingdom, thus aiding their salvation instead of hindering it.” At the word “salvation” I saw some leaping up, a living fire of rage. “Every tale is fair till the other side be told,” quoth the devil, “I hope Lucifer will not allow one of the earth-born race of Adam to contend with me, who am an angel of far superior kind and stock.” “His punishment is certain,” said Lucifer, “but do thou, sirrah, give clear and ready answer to these charges; or by hopeless Hell I will—.” “I have led hither,” said he, “many a soul since Satan was in the Garden of Eden, and I ought to understand my business, better than this upstart accuser.” “Blood of infernal firebrands,” cried Lucifer, “did I not bid thee answer clearly and readily?” “By your leave,” said the demon, “I have preached a hundred times, and have denounced many of the various ways that lead to your confines, and yet at the same breath, have quietly brought them hither safe and sound by some other delusive path, just as I did while preaching recently in the German States, in one of the Faro Isles, and in several other places. In this manner, through my preaching have many Papist beliefs, and old traditions come first into the world, and all in the guise of goodness. For who ever would swallow a baitless hook? Who ever gained credence for a tale which had not some truth mingled with the false, or some little good overshadowing the bad? So, if whilst preaching I can instil one counsel of mine own among a hundred that are good and true, by means of that one, through heedlessness or superstition, will more weal betide your kingdom than woe through all the others ever.” “Well,” said Lucifer, “since thou canst do so much good in the pulpit, I bid thee dwell seven years in the mouth of a barndoor preacher who always utter what first comes to his mind; there thou wilt have an opportunity of putting in a word now and then to thine own purpose.”
There were many more devils and damned darting to and fro like lightning about the awful throne, to count and to receive offices. But suddenly without any warning there came a command for all the messengers and prisoners to depart from the court, each one to his den, leaving the King and his chief counsellors alone together. “Is it not better for us also to depart, lest they find us?” I asked my friend. “Thou needest have no fear,” answered the angel, “no unclean spirit can ever pierce this veil.” Wherefore we remained there invisible, to see the issue.
Then Lucifer began graciously to address his peers thus:—“Ye mightiest spirits of evil, ye archfiends of hellish guile, the utmost of your malicious wiles am I now constrained to demand. All here know that Britain and its adjacent isles is the realm most dangerous to my state, and fullest of mine enemies; and what is a hundredfold worse, there reigns now a queen most dangerous of all, who has never once inclined hither, nor along the old way of Rome on the one hand nor yet along the way of Geneva on the other: to think what great good the Pope has for a long time done us there and Oliver even to this day! What therefore shall we do? I fear me we shall entirely lose our ancient possession of that mart unless we instantly set-to to pave a new way for them to travel over, for they know too well all the old roads that lead hitherwards. Since this invincible hand shortens my chain, and prevents me from going myself to the earth, your advice I pray. Whom shall I appoint my viceroy to oppose yon hateful queen, Our Enemy’s vicegerent?”