287. XVI. THEY ARE FOR THE SAKE OF VARIOUS FAVORS EXPECTED FROM THE MARRIED PARTNER, OR FROM HIS OR HER RELATIONS, AND THUS FROM THE FEAR OF LOSING SUCH FAVORS. This is the case more especially in marriages where the rank and condition of the parties are dissimilar, concerning which, see above, n. [250]; as when a man marries a wealthy wife who stores up her money in purses, or her treasures in coffers; and the more so if she boldly insists that the husband is bound to support the house out of his own estate and income: that hence come forced likenesses of conjugial love, is generally known. The case is similar where a man marries a wife, whose parents, relations, and friends, are in offices of dignity, in lucrative business, and in employments with large salaries, who have it in their power to better her condition: that this also is a ground of counterfeit love, as if it were conjugial, is generally known. It is evident that in both cases it is the fear of the loss of the above favors that is operative.
288. XVII. THEY ARE FOR THE SAKE OF HAVING BLEMISHES EXCUSED, AND THEREBY OF AVOIDING DISGRACE. There are several blemishes for which conjugial partners fear disgrace, some criminal, some not. There are blemishes of the mind and of the body slighter than those mentioned in the foregoing chapter n. [252] and [253], which are causes of separation; wherefore those blemishes are here meant, which, to avoid disgrace, are buried in silence by the other married partner. Besides these, in some cases there are contingent crimes, which, if made public, are subject to heavy penalties; not to mention a deficiency of that ability which the men usually boast of. That excuses of such blemishes, in order to avoid disgrace, are the causes of counterfeit love and friendship with a married partner, is too evident to need farther confirmation.
289. XVIII. THEY ARE FOR THE SAKE OF RECONCILIATION. That between married partners who have mental disagreements from various causes, there subsist alternate distrust and confidence, alienation and conjunction, yea, dispute and compromise, thus reconciliation; and also that apparent friendships promote reconciliation, is well known in the world. There are also reconciliations which take place after partings, which are not so alternate and transitory.
290. XIX. IN CASE FAVOR DOES NOT CEASE WITH THE WIFE, WHEN FACULTY CEASES WITH THE MAN, THERE MAY EXIST A FRIENDSHIP RESEMBLING CONJUGIAL FRIENDSHIP WHEN THE PARTIES GROW OLD. The primary cause of the separation of minds (animorum) between married partners is a falling off of favor on the wife's part in consequence of the cessation of ability on the husband's part, and thence a falling off of love; for just as heats communicate with each other, so also do colds. That from a falling off of love on the part of each, there ensues a cessation of friendship, and also of favor, if not prevented by the fear of domestic ruin, is evident both from reason and experience. In case therefore the man tacitly imputes the causes to himself, and still the wife perseveres in chaste favor towards him, there may thence result a friendship, which, since it subsists between married partners, appears to resemble conjugial love. That a friendship resembling the friendship of that love, may subsist between married partners, when old, experience testifies from the tranquillity, security, loveliness, and abundant courtesy with which they live, communicate, and associate together.
291. XX. THERE ARE VARIOUS KINDS OF APPARENT LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN MARRIED PARTNERS, ONE OF WHOM IS BROUGHT UNDER THE YOKE, AND THEREFORE IS SUBJECT TO THE OTHER. It is no secret in the world at this day, that as the first fervor of marriage begins to abate, there arises a rivalship between the parties respecting right and power; respecting right, in that according to the statutes of the covenant entered into, there is an equality, and each has dignity in the offices of his or her function; and respecting power, in that it is insisted on by the men, that in all things relating to the house, superiority belongs to them, because they are men, and inferiority to the women because they are women. Such rivalships, at this day familiar, arise from no other source than a want of conscience respecting love truly conjugial, and of sensible perception respecting the blessedness of that love; in consequence of which want, lust takes the place of that love, and counterfeits it; and, on the removal of genuine love, there flows from this lust a grasping for power, in which some are influenced by the delight of the love of domineering, which in some is implanted by artful women before marriage, and which to some is unknown. Where such grasping prevails with the men, and the various turns of rivalship terminate in the establishment of their sway, they reduce their wives either to become their rightful property, or to comply with their arbitrary will, or into a state of slavery, every one according to the degree and qualified state of that grasping implanted and concealed in himself; but where such grasping prevails with the wives, and the various turns of rivalship terminate in establishing their sway, they reduce their husbands either into a state of equality of right with themselves, or of compliance with their arbitrary will, or into a state of slavery: but as when the wives have obtained the sceptre of sway, there remains with them a desire which is a counterfeit of conjugial love, and is restrained both by law and by the fear of legitimate separation, in case they extend their power beyond the rule of right into what is contrary thereto, therefore they lead a life in consociation with their husbands. But what is the nature and quality of the love and friendship between a ruling wife and a serving husband, and also between a ruling husband and a serving wife, cannot be briefly described; indeed, if their differences were to be specifically pointed out and enumerated, it would occupy several pages; for they are various and diverse—various according to the nature of the grasping for power prevalent with the men, and in like manner with the wives; and diverse in regard to the differences subsisting in the men and the women; for such men have no friendship of love but what is infatuated, and such wives are in the friendship of spurious love grounded in lust. But by what arts wives procure to themselves power over the men, will be shewn in the following article.
292. XXI. IN THE WORLD THERE ARE INFERNAL MARRIAGES BETWEEN PERSONS WHO INTERIORLY ARE THE MOST INVETERATE ENEMIES, AND EXTERIORLY ARE AS THE CLOSEST FRIENDS. I am indeed forbidden by the wives of this sort, in the spiritual world, to present such marriages to public view; for they are afraid lest their art of obtaining power over the men should at the same time be divulged, which yet they are exceedingly desirous to have concealed: but as I am urged by the men in that world to expose the causes of the intestine hatred and as it were fury excited in their hearts against their wives, in consequence of their clandestine arts, I shall be content with adducing the following particulars. The men said, that unwittingly they contracted a terrible dread of their wives, in consequence of which they were constrained to obey their decisions in the most abject manner, and be at their beck more than the vilest servants, so that they lost all life and spirit; and that this was the case not only with those who were in inferior stations of life, but also with those who were advanced in high dignities, yea with brave and famous generals: they also said, that after they had contracted this dread, they could not help on every occasion expressing themselves to their wives in a friendly manner, and doing what was agreeable to their humors, although they cherished in their hearts a deadly hatred against them; and further, that their wives still behaved courteously to them both in word and deed, and complaisantly attended to some of their requests. Now as the men themselves greatly wondered, whence such an antipathy could arise in their internals, and such an apparent sympathy in their externals, they examined into the causes thereof from some women who were acquainted with the above secret art. From this source of information they learned, that women (mulieres) are skilled in a knowledge which they conceal deeply in their own minds, whereby, if they be so disposed, they can subject the men to the yoke of their authority; and that this is effected in the case of ignorant wives, sometimes by alternate quarrel and kindness, sometimes by harsh and unpleasant looks, and sometimes by other means; but in the case of polite wives, by urgent and persevering petitions, and by obstinate resistance to their husbands in case they suffer hardships from them, insisting on their right of equality by law, in consequence of which they are firm and resolute in their purpose; yea, insisting that if they should be turned out of the house, they would return at their pleasure, and would be urgent as before; for they know that the men by their nature cannot resist the positive tempers of their wives but that after compliance they submit themselves to their disposal; and that in this case the wives make a show of all kinds of civility and tenderness to their husbands subjected to their sway. The genuine cause of the dominion which the wives obtain by this cunning is, that the man acts from the understanding and the woman from the will, and that the will can persist, but not so the understanding. I have been told, that the worst of this sort of women, who are altogether a prey to the desire of dominion, can remain firm in their positive humors even to the last struggle for life. I have also heard the excuses pleaded by such women (mulieres) for entering upon the exercise of this art; in which they urged that they would not have done so unless they had foreseen supreme contempt and future rejection, and consequent ruin on their part, if they should be subdued by their husbands: and that thus they had taken up these their arms from necessity. To this excuse they add this admonition for the men; to leave their wives their own rights, and while they are in alternations of cold, not to consider them as beneath their maid-servants: they said also that several of their sex, from their natural timidity, are not in a state of exercising the above art; but I added, from their natural modesty. From the above considerations it may now be known what is meant by infernal marriages in the world between persons who interiorly are the most inveterate enemies, and exteriorly are like the most attached friends.