"All this is excellent—for me. For, what happens?
"The Americans indulging in too many orgies of Reasonableness; the Americans having thrown over-board all motives of historic truth in order to live under the banner of reasoned truth only, have long since become sick of Reason. They resemble a crew on a big ship that has stored its pantries and larders with nothing else than meat-extracts and tabloids. That crew, after a month's journey or so, will unfailingly sink or else eat the most loathsome fish rather than continue feeding on its scientific food.
"After all, when all is said and done, the Americans too are humans. They too want more than tabloids and meat-extracts. Tons of tins will not replace one fresh cabbage. On this eternal truth my disciples go to work in the States.
"Fully aware, as they are, that the Americans must be and are deadly 'tired' of Reason, they hasten to give the people of the States the most exciting devices of Unreason. One of them invents Mormonism; the other, Spiritualism; the third, Zionism; the fourth, Oneidaism, or general Promiscuity; the fifth, Christian Science; the sixth, Incarnationism; and so forth, and so on, ad infinitum.
"Can my triumph be greater? I will carefully avoid telling them that by worshipping Apollo extravagantly while neglecting the great god Dionysus, they have fallen wretched victims to the wrath of the latter. Just let them go on writing contemptuous reflections on Greek Mythology, and glory in the 'wonderful century' in which Dionysus is declared to be a mere myth. As long as they do that, I shall not lack plenty of successful disciples, and my name will wax greater and greater, until nobody shall be able to find, even did he use the latest Edison lamp, a single well-balanced human in all the States.
"Why, then, take so many English clergymen and their evolutions round Evolution so gravely, O Socrates? They do what the Americans do: they overdo Reason. Do let them do it, and do not disturb my circles, as Archimedes said. I promise you, when next they introduce the 'latest' evolution, I will invite you to the sight, and you will enjoy the fun as you have rarely enjoyed anything. I have instructed a new set of pupils of mine to start The new Religion in England. The 'New Religion' of a year or so ago is out of fashion. What these decadent vibrants want is another Religion. I have just received a Marconigram from below, and am in a position to tell you all about the latest capers of my pupils. May I do so?"
Diana and Aphrodite and Pallas Athena at once applauded, and their silvery laughter was joined by the rest of the gods and heroes. Dionysus sent two beautiful nymphs to make the resting-place of Diogenes more comfortable, and to offer him a cup of the wine of Capri, shining like gold and full of mirth. Diogenes, deeply bowing to the Great God, and to Zeus, then proceeded:
"I learn that The Religion now to be started is based on what my dear disciples have agreed to call Elysiograms; a word formed à la 'telegram,' 'marconigram,' and meant to denote messages from Elysium.
"It is quite evident that a generation of impatient eels such as the present instalment of the little ones, cannot possibly wait until after death for news from the other world. The sub-lunar world they have ransacked and swallowed, hair and flesh, and all. Before, in the morning, they have quite recovered from their sleep; and before they have quite finished their nerve-destroying first cup of Ceylon cabbage, they have, in their 'papers,' learnt all that has been going on in every quarter of the globe terrestrial.
"That globe begins to bore them. They must have a daily (or hourly?) column or two about what is going on in Elysium, let alone in Hades. It is indispensable for their digestion.