"Just fancy how very much more easily one could swallow one's lunch with just a little dose of Hades in it! While one tries to make a tunnel through the stony meat from Patagonia called Scotch beef, one would read with grim satisfaction how one's late creditor is maltreated in the torture-chamber of Hades. Why, one would feel so buoyant that one would even be able to finish a meal at the Cecil.
"You said, O Socrates, that their clergy adopt Evolution because of the authority it gives them. Surely, they can tarry no longer in adopting the improved means of communication. If Marconi can wire wirelessly to New York, how can the clergy stay lagging behind? They must needs go one better, and wire wirelessly to Elysium. Nothing can be plainer.
"People want it.
"Soon Messrs Wright will ascend the Rainbow and sit astride on it. Even before that, Herr Zeppelin will land the first German street-band on Mars; and, probably, ere that is done, Madame Curie will by means of a rock of Radium as big as St Paul's illumine and read all the vast depths of the unexplored Heavens.
"How, under these circumstances, can the clergy remain behind? It is unthinkable. Accordingly, it is understood that the Daily Nail and the Crony will have every day a column called Elysiograms. It will consist of single words, numbers, signs, exclamations, and pauses, elysiogrammed from over there. Some paragraphs will consist of commas, colons, semi-colons, and dots only. They will be the most interesting. These messages will be carefully distinguished from massages. They will be quite different. They will give the most astounding news. My principal pupil, Professor Oliver Nodge, just marconied me the latest Elysiogram, which he was fortunate enough to receive to-day:
"'Rather hot day to-night.—Feel depressed as if I had exchanged ideas with Mr H.C.—4, 0,—:!—Place here somewhat out of date.—Do send me Times more regularly.—Can now see that flannels do not conduce to health.—Never forget to wind up your watch!—Death is a mere incident in Life.—If you can avoid it, don't die!—It is a failure.—34, 56, 78, 90, 12....'"
When Diogenes had finished reading the Elysiogram of his pupil, even Hephæstus (Vulcan), otherwise so grave, broke out in a tremendous laughter which made one of the tiers of the Coliseum shake like an elm-tree in a gale.
"I am delighted to see," continued Diogenes, "that my pupils contribute to your amusement. It is indeed beyond a doubt that without them this world would be considerably staler and duller than it is. You may imagine that my pupils will not rest contented with a daily column in a newspaper.
"They will found Elysiogram papers of their own; found Elysiogram Churches; build up Elysiogram congregations; deliver Elysiogram sermons; in short, they will establish The New Religion of—Elysionism.