Without knowing how to put an end to his humiliation, Laurence said, "I suppose there is in all of us. You artists have a peculiar advantage in being able to express yourselves." He put a light to his pipe, blew the smoke out, and stared at the ceiling. Whenever Dudley mentioned Julia's name Laurence wanted to repudiate the significance which it held in common for Dudley and himself. Rather than be included here, he preferred to think of Dudley and Julia together and himself as separate.
Dudley was wrapt in the conviction of a dark, almost fleshly, knowledge of Laurence, and his determination to love was as ruthless as any hatred. He never had the intimate experience of a personality without wanting, in a sense, to defile it by drawing it utterly to himself. He smiled apologetically. "We should never refuse any experience."
Laurence felt as if he were a woman whose body was being taken. He sucked at his dry pipe which was extinguished. "Perhaps it is my limitation which makes it impossible for me to receive everything so unquestioningly."
"But you do accept things."
"Not emotionally. Not in the way you mean."
Dudley realized that Julia had gone from him. His sense of loss was not merely in the loss of physical domination. Laurence was as precious as Julia had been. What was needed was a spiritual possession. Dudley's method of self-enlargement was through the absorption of others, but he had a theory of equality. His tyrannous impulses rarely persisted when equality was disproven. Without admitting it himself, he wanted to reduce his peers through his understanding of them. Then, too, on this occasion, his superior comprehension of Laurence might be proof to himself of Julia's inadequacy.
Laurence felt nothing but blind proud protest against invasion, and, when Dudley attempted to discuss their mutual interests, was furtive and adroit in defense.
May told Paul that she believed Aunt Julia was unhappy. He had to confess to himself that he disapproved of Aunt Julia too much to keep away from her. He wanted to go to the house where she was. But he had forgotten her work with the Board of Health, and arrived on an afternoon when she was not at home.
May took him to Aunt Julia's sitting room. He loathed the place. He disliked May when he saw her in it. And when he disliked May it made him despair. He thought that he had never in his life been so depressed.