"However, it was neither here nor there," the major resumed; "I knew that no military man of any distinction could escape the formalities and ceremonies it was necessary to go through before being regularly enstated into the good graces of New York society, and so gave myself up to the policy of making the best of it. I got up, and after making divers inquiries of waiters found straying along the confused labyrinth of passages, got down stairs. My first business was to search in all the morning papers for the man of the lost treasure in my possession; I read them all only to be disappointed. Nor had the companion of my adventure remembered to have my arrival, with becoming comments, put in all the papers, as he had pledged his honor to do, having, as he said, an unlimited control over them. I carefully consulted the columns of the Herald. And though I discovered in the editor a love for sharpening up his battle-axe, and making splinters of his fellows at least twice a week, not a gleam of light was thrown upon the man whose loss I felt it in my heart would be his ruin. I contemplated the wants and anxieties of those who sought to make them known therein, and smiled at the curious manner in which a thousand ambitious individuals expressed their readiness to supply the wants of others. I turned to the Tribune. But neither in the gravely-spun philosophy of its editorials, nor among the pearls of its advertisement columns, could I find a word to relieve my anxiety. The sages who are supposed by the knowing ones to jot things down in that very consistent inconsistent journal, had likewise forgotten to mention my name; which apparent neglect much discomposed my mind. I was, however, somewhat relieved by a friend, who informed me that it was in their true spirit. One of the waiters told me with an air of great wisdom, that the Tribune never took up military men except to set them down with bruises. This waiter was a gifted Irishman, and a great politician. During a sweet little touch of a rebellion, or a famine (which are about the same) in his country, he had read the Tribune twice a day to his wife, Biddy Regan, who expressed herself delighted at the forked lightning style it then kept up in defense of the rights of her fifty first cousins.
"Eleven o'clock arrived, but no General Fopp came. Anxious to relieve myself of the treasure, I approached the highly perfumed and somewhat rotund clerk, whose bows were worth at least a quarter eagle, and related the story of my adventure to him. The jewels his shirt was bedazzled with seemed to brighten, while his face radiated smiles, in which it was not difficult to read that he set me down for a simpleton. He took the pocket-book into his hand, and saluting me by my military title, inquired how many banks my companion of the adventure proposed to start in Wall Street. Just then I remembered that the generous fellow did propose starting ten or so; and, in addition, that he pledged one half of Wall Street that, at no very distant day, I would be president of these United States.
"The clerk now smilingly counted the bills, all of which he pronounced, to my utter astonishment, on banks that existed only in the mischievous imagination of some knight of the order of vagabonds, which ruled the city, moulding things to its liking, and had fortified itself in a castle of brass. I stood as if transfixed to the floor. My reputation, my money, my hopes of a foreign mission-all were gone. I expressed my regret that the man should have so little respect for his military reputation. The clerk, however, relieved me on that point, by stating that nothing in the world was easier than to be a general in New York, and that the individual who had gained a victory over me was no doubt one of that particular species of military heroes so numerously dispersed about all the street corners of Broadway, and who now and then find it good for their health and courage to take a trip to Europe, where titles command better attention. As for the Quaker, Greely Hanniford, he was no doubt a major of the General's division.
"I was anxious to keep this matter as quiet as possible, bearing the loss like a philosopher, and forming a resolution in my mind never again to be taken in by a New York general. I observed, however, that two bearded vagabonds (such at least I took them for) in hats of priests, came suspiciously up, for the discovery made some stir, and took down all that was said. And this was, by these malicious historians, (as the polite clerk informed me they were,) put in all the afternoon newspapers. I now began to think this was what the cunning rogue meant by saying he would have my arrival recorded, with proper comments; for indeed the comments were of a character that might have satisfied a major of much more renown. One sagacious fellow, after reciting what he was pleased to set down as my political history, and the political history of all my shoemaker ancestors, at whose honest calling he tipped a sneer, as is common with the learned men of our very republican press, expressed his regret that so sharp a politician should have been made the victim of an ordinary sharper, but thought it quite likely we had been visiting temples of the unclean together, such being the favorite resorts of politicians. Another equally sagacious fellow said, that the least harmless view he could take of the matter was, that the distinguished major had permitted his political enthusiasm to carry off his discretion, and had kept hours in the company of a stranger too late to find an excuse with respectable people. A third said, the whole affair looked very suspicious; and for the character of politicians, he hoped there was quite as much innocence in the major's story as he seemed anxious to have appear on its face; but he very much doubted if such honesty was a good recommendation to one in pursuit of a foreign mission."
CHAPTER VII.
IN WHICH IS RELATED HOW PLEASANTLY THE MAJOR TOOK HIS MISFORTUNES.
"AFTER these cunning scribblers had exhausted their ingenuity in moulding for me a character so scurvy, that the man who holds up buildings at street corners could not be got to pick it up, and had laid at my door charges that would have brought tears into the eyes of all my ancestors, they wheeled suddenly about, took back all they had said, threw glory at my feet, and, to the end of doing mankind a benefit, held me up as a model major. They were all ready to make me any number of promises, to render me any reasonable service, and to follow me to battle. Had I offered them a consideration, no doubt it would have been refused with splendid contempt.
"Mine host of the Astor, who was a shrewd fellow, thought the character of his house damaged, and must needs consult his honor, the Mayor. That high functionary, knowing the agility with which such heroes as Fopp exercised their heels, gave out no encouragement of catching the rascal. Had it been a scamp, who by his winning manners deceives inconsolable widows, seduces artless damsels, and otherwise exercises his skill in the art of fascinating females, his Honor had been after him with all the courage of his police force. But as it was merely taking in a stranger, the matter, his Honor thought, had better be stopped, since the degree and quality of the crime was so like that known as 'sharp practice' in Wall street, that to punish one and let another go free would only be manifesting a strange disregard of equal justice. And the landlord was too shrewd a fellow not to know that to employ detectives, who were costly men to move, would entail an expense greater than the sum lost, without mending the damaged reputation of his house. I therefore contented myself with the satisfaction of having had my character restored to me by the newspapers.
"A different turn now came in my affairs, and finding it was only a harmless custom of the editors to make splinters of a great public man, I invited them to a sumptuous dinner, which they set upon with an appetite equaled only by that displayed by them while devouring my character. But, on the whole, they were a jolly set of fellows -quite as jolly as one could desire. If they entertained a magnificent dislike for one another, it was to be set down to a spirit of commercial rivalry, which, though it might work out good in some instances, was of itself to be deplored, inasmuch as it had nothing in common with that generosity of soul which should rule universal among men of letters."
I found the dinner a specific antidote for a bruised character, for no sooner had my literary friends eaten it than they were ready to outdo one another in saying good things of me. One cunning fellow told his readers that the election of General Harrison was entirely owing to the wisdom I had distilled into the minds of the people of Cape Cod. And though I never had even scented the perfumery of war, another said that as a military man I had no superior. Concerning my mission, they were all sure no testimony they could bear would add one jot to my transcendent ability for representing the nation abroad. The government could not make so great a mistake as to overlook me.