"Dispensing all ceremony, I invited mine host to a conference in one corner, and then and there pleaded the lean condition of my purse, to which he listened with great patience, and when I had done begged me to consider him a friend. Once indeed he seemed on the point of shedding tears of sorrow for my troubles; but his eyes resumed their usual dryness. On the following day, his sympathy having no doubt run out, he informed me, with great politeness of manner, that the demand for his lodgings was more than equal to the supply. 'Perhaps,' he added, 'you can make it convenient to continue your journey.'
"I was in the condition of an army unable to move for want of supplies. It was no difficult matter to make a dozen or so of political speeches, or to make a meeting split its sides with laughter, or to tear the sophistries of an opponent into tatters, but to be cheated out of one's money in a great city, and leave the Astor to enter the Irving, or the more fashionable 'New York,' with an empty pocket, though common among New Yorkers, was a feat I had not learned to achieve."
The mischief of the matter was, that no sooner had I got rid of General Fopp, than a man, whom I shall for convenience sake call the great Captain Splinters, made my acquaintance. This man, of whom many queer things were said over tea-tables, by people calling themselves the aristocracy, plumed himself on being the greatest politician Manhattan Island ever was blessed with. People of steady habits differed in their views on this subject, some asserting that the honor of the island would sustain no loss if he were made Governor of New Jersey, or President of the Camden and Amboy Railroad, in which latter capacity he would have ample means of gratifying his ambition for mutilating legal voters. I had heard of this man through the newspapers; he seemed, however, a much smaller man than they had represented him to be. In fine, he told me the newspapers had always taken great pride in misrepresenting him; but he said so many good things of himself, and recounted the many scrapes he had been in with such evident self-satisfaction, that I began to mistrust there was something in him. It was at least certain that he had hung himself to the government, in the very harmless belief that it could not get along without him. Of his pranks, as related by himself, I had no very high opinion, inasmuch as they made public virtue cut a very sorry figure. He, however, requested me to bear in mind the fact, that he never squared his opinions with those who set so high a value upon public virtue that they were for ever nursing it and weeping over it at their firesides.
"He thought the nation extremely fortunate in possessing an individual capable of rendering it services so varied as he was capable of. He made power his game, and to the end of extending universal liberty to vagabonds, he had at his command the services of no less than four hundred and forty as arrant knaves as ever did bloodletting at elections, or managed the rascality necessary to the success of their candidate. They had given up the business of stealing; and being much in need of money and clean raiment, had taken to the more profitable occupation of president-making, hoping ere long to be rewarded by a grateful government with important and lucrative appointments.
"This Captain Splinters, of whom so much was said, expressed great sympathy for my misfortunes, and seemed to entertain a hearty horror for such fellows as Fopp. He said that now, being on the road to fame, it was only necessary to fasten to him, when, having great power in his hands, he would ensure me the nomination for next President. I got to liking him, he was so companionable. We visited together many low drinking places up dark alleys, wherein political mischief was very generally manufactured by youths who dressed in flashy colored garments, were lean of figure, and very noisy. Their features were sharp, but undefined, and about them there was air of recklessness made more striking by their long, oily locks, (which were turned under in the neck,) and the strong profanity of their conversation, which invariably turned either upon some pugilistic rencounter, or a question of municipal or national policy. Being a popular politician, it was necessary, Splinters said, that the good opinion of these men be secured; and this could be best done by ordering the landlord to give them strong drinks without stint. He added, that unless I did this, my political shop would be closed for ever. I at first pleaded the scanty condition of my purse, but it availed me nothing. The dread alternative stared me in the face, and seeing that they were very outspoken men, I stood their demands at the bar until an empty purse put an end to my generosity.
"He, Captain Splinters, then led me by the button to Stanwix Hall, which he said was the head quarters of his four hundred and forty president-makers. Here the glare of an hundred gas lights threw curious shadows over a throng of staggering and grotesque figures in toppling hats, broad, brown skirted coats, with brass buttons, and bright striped trowsers. 'These men,' said the Captain, introducing them to me, with an extension of his left hand, 'are made of better metal than they seem; you must not judge them by what you see on the surface. Keep but their wants well supplied, and my honor for it, they will take such care of the nation as no man shall gainsay-'
"'Aye! aye!' interrupted a dozen husky voices, as the whole number circled around the great bar, spread with a barricade of decanters, 'we are good men, and strong. Let the nation but call us, and we will do it such service as it may need. We are all honest men, who wait but the word from our captain, ere we break the liberty that binds the delusions of men calling themselves our betters.' The captain now leaned over the bar and whispered something in the ear of the landlord, a burly man, who stood with his coat off and shirt sleeves rolled up. Drinks were now quickly compounded for each man, who seized his glass as the Captain, who was glib of tongue, commenced a speech in compliment of me. It surprised me not a little, that he made me the hero of more political conquests than were written down in our history since the declaration of independence; but as he vouched for the truth of every one of them, with an oath to every sentence, his men received them with great cheering. Indeed, they emptied their glasses, offering to lay their services at my feet. It was curious to see how much these men, so apparently shattered by strong drink, knew about the ins and outs of the constitution. Albeit, for men whose education was as doubtful as their means of living, (even reading and writing was not in very high favor with them,) they knew a deal about Congress. More than one had his pockets full of letters written him by distinguished members. And it seemed a custom with them, when emptying a glass, to drink the health of some senator, who sent them Congressional documents weekly and promised to say a good word in their behalf to the President.
"Having enjoyed four rounds, the men began to examine the bottom of their glasses, and to cast longing glances first at the landlord and then at the captain. Such was the influence of the latter over them, that at a word they set their glasses peaceably upon the counter and subserviently retired to remote parts of the hall, where they commenced to smoke strong flavored cigars. A word from Splinters, it was said, and these men would set upon and demolish any object of his dislike. And to such an extent had their mischievous excesses been carried, that it had cost the city no end of tears and gold, for which they had no other penance to offer, than an incurable ambition to run mad in worshiping their captain.
"A touch on the elbow, and Splinters whispered that the landlord's opinion of me would be raised by settling the score. And to do this I reached my last dollar. Having thus graciously initiated me into high favor with his men, the Captain kindly offered to see me safe home. Taking him for so good a friend, I discovered to him the state of my finances, which he said was a matter of no moment, since he would give me his note for five hundred dollars on thirty days, which Duncan, Sherman & Co., or any banker in Wall Street, would be glad to discount, merely for the pleasure of making my acquaintance. A flood of joy poured into my ears and heart at this expression of friendship. So we walked into the office of the Astor, when Splinters, affecting an air of great confidence, dashed off the note, and, bidding me look misfortune right in the face, took his leave. But he said he would call the next morning. He forgot to keep his promise, and when I presented his 'I promise to pay,' at the counter of Messrs. Duncan, Sherman & Co., flattering myself that they knew all about it, the whole counting-room of clerks went into a titter. One set me down for a madman; another directed me to the care of the commissioners of the insane asylum; and a third thought I would do to go into business in Wall Street. Captain Splinters would, no doubt, seeing that only his name was wanted, furnish capital to any amount, provided always that he shared the result of the circulation, they said. It was clear to me that the house of Duncan, Sherman & Co. was not fast in the discount line. I then looked in at Drew & Robinson's. Thinking I had come to buy steamboats, a little, shriveled up old man led the way into a dark back office, saying he could give me but five minutes to make known my business. Anxious to facilitate matters, I produced the note, saying that he of course knew the signer by reputation, and would like to discount it out of compliment to him. A sight at the name, and it seemed as if he was about looking the glasses out of his spectacles. Then he went straight into a passion, ordering me to leave the premises or he would call a policeman. Not to swerve from the truth, I may say here, that I thought it very fortunate in getting into the Street without being kicked there. All Wall Street, it seemed to me, was in a state of anxiety. Every man looked as if he were besieged by his neighbor, or had had a breach made in him by some sudden revolution, and was in search of a physician to save his bleeding bowels. Here and there I met a man looking as if he had just rushed into the street to proclaim the baseness and treachery of a newly discovered foe, who, with a thousand anxious thoughts, had carried away the last remnant of his fortune.
"I found I had been laboring under a political delusion. Indeed, I felt like one in a desert without means of alleviating his misery, and turned to make my way out of Wall Street and declare myself its eternal enemy, so ungrateful was the reception it had given me. And as I was proceeding through the mass of rapidly moving figures that surged along the sidewalk, my eye caught the sign of Van Vlete, Read, & Drexel. The name struck me as being consonant with generosity, so I looked in, and was accosted by a tall, lean man, with a dusky complexion, and a face radiant of intelligence. He stood behind a massive, semicircular counter, piled with bank notes and gold; and having readily engaged me in conversation, which he had the facility of doing without being interrupted in his business, I found him a man who could talk faster and much more sensibly than any revival preacher outside of Rhode Island. And to this he added the rare quality of being courteous, which was remarkable in a Wall Street dealer in money. Having discovered my business, he smiled and shook his head, evidently at what he was pleased to consider my freshness.