Alderman Baggs, who was a man of much wind, and extremely fond of making speeches on these great occasions, though in this instance he had peaceably pursued his advances upon the bottle, and left the speeches to others, proposed that instead of mayor, which after all was no great affair of an office, he immediately set on foot a project for making the major President of the United States. The major, he said, had surely evinced ability enough.
"What you please-make what you please of me, gentlemen, for I am your servant, and the good servant is known by his work-that I know! And if it is your will that I should be President, my highest ambition shall be to serve you to the best of my ability. This I may say, give me the power, as my wife, Polly Potter, used to say, and I will hang fillibusters to your satisfaction."
An alderman of the name of Billy Bristle, who was known to have a slight inclination for fillibustering, and had more than a score of times pledged the city to the measures of gentlemen that way inclined, having just looked in to pay his respects to the city's guest, rose quickly to his feet at hearing so bold a proposal to get rid of his friends, and declared his readiness to fight any gentleman who would say a word damaging to the character of the fillibusters. Alderman Dooley, between whom and Alderman Bristle, an old grudge had stood for some time unsettled, cast a frown upon the assertion, and declared that the language held was an implied insult, whereupon he measured with his stalwart arm the distance between his body and the Alderman's nose. This being the signal for a grand set to, which was had in right good earnest, the scene of confusion that followed no one need attempt to describe, unless he have the pen of a Balzac. Tumblers and broken chairs being the order of weapon most in use, and the major not being skilled in the use of such arms, lost no time in retreating to a dark closet, where, closely packed among sundry old clothes and house rubbish, he congratulated himself by saying: "Now, as I am a military man, and have no taste for this sort of fighting, I will look well to my head, and let them have the glory."
The landlord had paced his halls in great tribulation for some time, for he saw he had been grievously taken in, and that the damage to the reputation of his house would be four fold what he would get of the city for all his trouble. Seeing, then, his house in a state of confusion, and having fears for the good name of his patron saint, he rushed into the room, crying, "Gentlemen! gentlemen! pray leave my house, for though I see you are guardians of the city, you seem to have as little respect for the reputation of my house, which is my bread, as you have for the good order of the city. Pray get away from here, and what you have had shall be given for charity's sake." Seeing they were not inclined to respect his admonition, he called a posse of policemen, and ordered them to clear his house of the miscreants; but they, seeing it was their own masters who were deporting themselves in this disorderly manner, merely shook their heads and walked away. In this dilemma, for the landlord saw he could not get of the police what he paid for, he called some two score of his own servants, who, having no respect for high officials who do not respect themselves, were not long in tumbling them into the street; and would have had Major Roger Sherman Potter following them, if he could have been found!
CHAPTER XXIX.
IN WHICH MAJOR ROGER POTTER IS FOUND ALMOST SUFFOCATED; AND HOW HE DECLARES THAT MEN OF LOWLY BIRTH BECOME DANGEROUS WHEN ELEVATED TO POWER.
THE writer of this history, remembering how his mother admonished him to be virtuous and prudent, retired quietly to bed before the passions of the high functionaries had caused so violent an outbreak. And though his regard for the major's reputation was of the tenderest kind, he slept soundly, feeling sure that there was nothing in the list of misfortunes the major was incapable of overcoming. It was with no little surprise, then, that I was awoke by the landlord on the following morning, and told that Major Roger Potter was no where to be found. He regretted having such people in his house; but said it would shorten the account of his misfortunes, if he could but find the missing guest, for it was his custom to treat all men with courtesy.
On repairing to the parlor, which we did as speedily as possible, proof of what had taken place on the previous night lay strewn all over the floor. There, too, lay the major's three cornered hat, as if sitting in judgment upon a promiscuous heap of bottles. But this was the only vestige of the missing hero. At length a sort of murmuring sound was heard, as of some one in great distress. Seeing the landlord much perplexed, I listened with anxious attention, and soon discovered the sound to resemble very much that made by the major over the bruising given him by Captain Luke Snider. On approaching the closet door, it was found to be locked, and the landlord declared there was no space for one so stout within its bounds. Deeming it prudent, however, the lock was turned, to the great delight and relief of the major, who came forth like an half roasted rhinoceros, heaved a sigh, and swore by no less than three saints, as soon as he gained the use of his tongue, that the fellow who turned the key on him was no friend.
"I am marvelously fond of retirement, I would have you know," he spoke, with an air of much concern, "but I choose not to sacrifice my life in this way, for it is a device of the devil, and those in league with him." He emerged from the rubbish half dead with fear, and continued for some minutes proclaiming the baseness and treachery of the act. Then clasping the landlord by the hand, he besought him to be his friend while he took revenge of the enemies who had played this trick upon him.
"Pray be comforted, sir, for these things are mere trifles, and a great man is never so great as when he forgets his misfortunes," said he, "and heaven knows it has all gone wrong with me. You, sir, have a position I lay no claim to."