Entering what in a church would be designated a vestibule, but which here served as a convenient place for loitering gentlemen who speculate in tickets, and the only visible furniture of which had been reformed down to a cheap chandelier, they passed on through a narrow baize door, flanked on one side by an oily ticket taker, and on the other by a fashionably dressed and bearded gentleman, whom the manager, in his praiseworthy efforts to please a capricious public, seemed to have placed there for the ostensible purpose of staring in the faces of ladies, and so circumscribing the width of the passage as to render it exceedingly difficult of ingress. They passed on into the "dress circle," where the seats were peculiarly adapted for making the back ache, and soon found that they had got behind a huge column, (of which there were many similar ones,) where no human eye could get a glimpse of the stage, though the unfortunate visitor paid ten dollars for his seat. As to the interior of the house, it forcibly reminded me of an immense gypsum quarry, with rudely excavated galleries, forming such a jumble and confusion of lines, that it was in vain you looked for an architectural beauty. Indeed, I venture to assert, that such a huge conglomerate of plaster and cheap gilt never before decorated one edifice, and that dedicated to high art. And if the uncouth images, with limbs of giants and heads of ordinary females, which met the eye at every turn, were to be accepted in proof of the high standard of taste at which we had arrived, then surely plaster and gilt ought to form the motto. Figures of ugly females, in plaster, bore up the second tier; groups of nymphs, in plaster, stared at you from the circle borders; grim visaged figures, in plaster, looked tauntingly at you from the proscenium; a troop of impolite figures, in plaster, beset you in flank and rear, and haunted you at every turn, as plaster figures had evidently haunted the imagination of the architect. In fine, every deficiency seemed compensated with an image in plaster, or, what was worse, one of those fashionable society men who sit in dumb show, listening to the melody, without enjoying the sense or knowing a word of what is being sung.
A great admirer of this plaster-perfect edifice was my friend, Miss Kate Suppletongue, who declared to me that though she had been twice to London and Paris, she had seen nothing equal to the Academy for grandeur. Tom Slenderstring, of the Brevoort House, too, said neither the St. Carlos nor the Covent Garden could compare with it for beauty of design. And Tom was a traveled man, whose verdict the whole avenue accepted in matters of taste. My disappointment then was only equaled by the height to which my expectations had been raised by these excellent authorities. But what grieved me most, for I am a man of sympathy, was the batteries which had evidently been committed on these females in plaster forming an advance guard to the d.c.s circle, and obstructing the view while affecting to support the upper boxes. I am told that the directors and stockholders are men of large humanity, whose only vanity lies in fancying themselves liberal patrons of art, which is pardonable in gentlemen much given to commerce. I beseech them, then, as they are christian gentlemen, to look to the distressed condition of these females, some of whom have lost their noses, others their fingers and toes, while still others have had curious antics performed with their bosoms, which would seem to afford no little diversion to certain females of easy virtue, who, together with the empty seats of the stockholders, are firm fixtures of the dress circle. My pity was indeed excited at beholding the large aperture made by some strange accident in the abdomen of one of these plaster females, and which aperture a thoughtless young gentleman made a convenient place for depositing his hat and cane, much to the amusement of those in the vicinity.
As the opera (which is familiarly known as that of Lucrezia Borgia) proceeded, the general, who was not accustomed to this style of singing, began to think it a mere tilt of voices between the singers. "Pray, what does it all mean, sir?" said he, turning to Mr. Tickler with much anxiety, "for I cannot understand a word of it; and it seems to me there are enough more in the same predicament, for those who have books I take it cannot find the places." Mr. Tickler, who affected to have the whole opera at his fingers' ends, began an explanation of the history and plot of the opera, which, however, only served to leave the matter more confused in the general's mind; and he declared he saw no good reason why they should scream their troubles in a language not one word of which nineteen-twentieths of the audience could understand.
"Faith of my father, sir," he continued, "but if the fleshy man would only stop his screaming, and set to sing 'Auld Lang Syne,' or something of that sort, it would be much more to my liking. To your fashionable folks with your fashionable singing, for all me: and let them who understand it pay for it; to be honest with you, sir, (and I see you are much given to this sort of singing,) I can make no more of it than that the fleshy man you call the tenor, and who you say is no scaly fellow, but a man with whom several damsels have become enamored, is outdoing the big man you call the basso, in telling his troubles to the audience, who, I take it, care not a whit about them, seeing that most of them are keeping up a loud conversation on matters concerning their neighbors, which is a proof of their resolution not to let the bawling fellows upon the stage have it all their own way. As to the moral of the representation, I have no doubt it is good, as you say; but I hold, that vice is better shut up in the closet than served out for the amusement of the young. But lest you say I am not a man of feeling, I can tell you I pity the tall woman you call the prima donna; and if she would accept a word of advice from me, I would tell her to so square her example for the future, that she may be prepared for Heaven when Death knocks at the door, since she is a lady of so much beauty that it would be a pity to see her leave this world without redemption. And as I see the big, fat chorus women are laughing in their skins at our ignorance of what they say, I would have them take heed lest they fall into the snare you describe as being set for the square shouldered damsels you call the atrato." "Contralto!" interrupted Mr. Tickler. "Well, have it contralto, then; the difference is only in a word or two, which matters nothing now-a-days. And as to the opera, I hold it best that we get home and attend to matters concerning our journey, for I see the two foreign gentlemen on the stage are for having a fight between themselves; and as it would not become me, as a military man, to stand by and see any unfair play, or indeed, to have anything to do with it, let us prove the strength of our understanding by getting quietly away." During this colloquy between the general and Mr. Tickler, Glanmoregain had been a quiet listener; but he was not a little amused at the singular innocence of the man he was about to entrust with the important office of overthrowing a kingdom. And although he would have remained to the end of the opera, which, so far as the principals were concerned, was really being performed in a very creditable manner, he accompanied the general to his quarters at the St. Nicholas, where they, having made such arrangements for the journey as will be recorded in the following chapter, parted for the night.
CHAPTER XL.
GENERAL ROGER POTTER AND HIS SECRETARY ARRIVE IN WASHINGTON, TO THE NO SMALL ALARM OF CERTAIN ADEPTS AND OFFICE SEEKERS.
THE general arose on the following morning before the sparrows were up; and as he had ordered the landlord to have his bill forthcoming, he found it duly laid on his table, with a balance so ponderous that he commenced comparing it with the contents of his purse, without at first being able to comprehend the process that had found him thus involved. At length he discovered that although the city fathers had discharged a certain amount of the bill, out of respect of his being the guest of the city, they had ordered refreshments, (such as wines and suppers,) at his expense, and to such an extent as to make it quite clear that he would have saved at least one hundred dollars had he never seen these worthy dignitaries. In fine, the cunning fellows took very good care never to honor a guest without making him pay dear enough for it. But he had enough to square the bill, and something left; and he would have the landlord know that he was none of your shabby politicians who lives on hopes and pays their debts with promises. He therefore paid his bill with an air of wealth that completely won the landlord's confidence, (for he had previously entertained no few fears of his bill.) Beside, circumstances made it necessary for him to leave old Battle until his return, for which he had stipulated with Glanmoregain, which was to him a grievous affliction. In truth, General Potter, disordered as his wits were, regarded old Battle as a perfect safeguard in every emergency.
And now as the blushing dawn threw her golden drapery over the eastern sky, as if to cheer the general on his journey, Mr. Tickler, panting for breath, and evidently alarmed at something he could not clearly define, made his appearance, bearing a single valise.
"Faith, sir," he stammered, "I'm right glad to see you ready, for it seemed to me that no less than twenty sheriffs and all my creditors were at my heels."
"Pray, sir, be not so nervous," replied the general, "for your life's your own."