"Heavens, sir!" exclaimed the accommodating Mr. Stretcher, as the general read to him what he had prepared, "but you have left the perfecting of this business to me. Let me beseech you, then, not to dispatch such a letter, for I am not the man to question your abilities; but having got the matter in train, you must not knock the fruit down before it is ripe. Here your honor will find a document in every way suited to the purpose." Mr. Stretcher here produced a ponderous paper, wherein every speech made by the general was carefully referred to, and also no end of political achievements set down to his credit; such, in fine, as would have defied the skill of a dozen politicians of such inferior calibre as Clay and Webster. The general seemed a little chary of this big document, and took it in his fingers somewhat reluctantly. And as he did so, Mr. Tickler, who until then had remained silent, spoke up and said, "By my faith, gentlemen, had the matter been left to me, they should have had proof of my knowledge of Latin in the sentences, for I have heard it said that Secretaries of State are fond of it. But I will smoke my cigar and leave the rest to you."
"As for your Latin, friend Tickler," replied the general, affecting to read the ponderous document Stretcher was waiting in great anxiety for a verdict upon, "we will say no more about that, for it occurs to me you made it do good service at the New York Hotel." This so put the matter at rest with Mr. Tickler that he held his peace and smoked his cigar. "Upon my word, sir," resumed the general, addressing himself to Mr. Stretcher, "it will be a perilous adventure to send so ponderous a document to the State Department when business is pressing and time precious. Being a timid man, the secretary will lay it over for to-morrow, and to-morrow he will think no more of it. But suppose we compromise this matter, Mr. Stretcher. Let both documents be sent, and if one have virtue, surely two cannot fail to effect our object."
"Surely, general, you are blind to your own interests, and respect not my reputation," replied Mr. Stretcher, going right into a passion, and so far forgetting what belonged to good manners as to say he verily believed the general a trifling simpleton, who was resolved on making an ass of himself in the eyes of the administration, as well as doing him (Stretcher) out of the pay for his services. And this so excited the ire of the general, who was scrupulous of his honor, as well as vain of his good understanding, that he forthwith proceeded to take down his sword, swearing to have summary vengeance of the man who dared to cast such reflections upon his dignity. Seeing this Mr. Stretcher took to his heels, the general saying it was well he did or he had cleft him in two pieces. And while the excited general stood brandishing his sword in the door, Mr. Stretcher shouted back from a corner of the passage, that unless his demand for services, which were two hundred dollars, be settled at high noon, he would see what virtue there was in the law.
CHAPTER XLIII.
WHICH RECORDS HOW THE GENERAL GOT HIS COMMISSION, AND RETURNED TO NEW YORK, WITH SEVERAL OTHER THINGS COMMON TO POLITICIANS.
SEVERAL days had elapsed, the general's letter was before the cabinet, and many were the speculations as to what sort of a mission a man with such strange intellect was capable of filling. It must be confessed that his letter afforded the cabinet no little diversion; indeed, many were the members who marvelled at the queer mixture of sense and nonsense it contained. And the more they amused themselves in pondering over it, the more did they seem to find veins of good sense concealed in it. If, then, one agreed he was fool enough to be harmless in his associations with the people to whom he might be accredited, certainly if sent to some obscure and remote part of the earth, he had sense enough for the small service that would be required of him as a diplomatist. And as a dumb man could perform some excellent parts when left to himself, and was sure not to get into mischief from the too free use of his tongue, so also would there be peace between nations, the representatives of which would not understand each other. Another agreed that it were strange indeed that a man who had been so feted by the authorities of New York, and was represented by the newspapers as having rendered such important services to his party should apply for a mission so obscure. But on further consideration this was set down to his credit; for it was held that though he might be wild and extravagant in some things, he had at least the virtue of being modest in his demands, which was rare in office-seekers at this day. Further, there could not be a doubt but that he was one of those persevering gentlemen who would give the department much annoyance with his importunities, and the shortest method of getting rid of him would be to give him the mission. It was, therefore, jocularly agreed to grant his prayer; and the Secretary was forthwith charged to prepare his instructions and provide him with the necessary credentials.
A few days passed, and divers correspondents of newspapers famous for getting early news flashed over the wires, to the no small surprise of the nation, the important intelligence that General Roger Sherman Potter was appointed "charge de affairs" to the King of the Kaloramas. And this bit of very important news set many gentlemen well-read in geography to puzzling their wits to find out the exact location of this wonderful kingdom. Nor could they divine what benefit it was to be the good fortune of our government to derive from such a strange mission, though diplomacy had so many intricate labyrinths that it were impossible for the ordinary mind to keep trace of all its objects. If, thought many, Kalorama were a wild of uncultivated deserts, upon which the burning rays of a tropical sun beat without clemency, he who would face its terrors must have the courage of a dragon. But none of these trifles disturbed the equanimity of the general, who regarded this appointment in the light of another feather in his fame. He also had the good sense not to go into raptures over his appointment; but to follow out the instructions given him by Glanmoregain, who took a more comprehensive, if not a strictly diplomatic, view of the matter and its future results.
The government did, also, in the kindest manner, grant the general's prayer that Mr. Tickler (of whose gallantry and great learning he spoke in praises that would have secured a dozen appointments,) be appointed his secretary. Nothing then remained but the approval of the Senate; and as he reposed quite as much in his extraordinary value to the nation as that wonderful Wall Street general who now and then sends forth a whole gasometer of diplomacy from his little sanctum, so also did he, having got his appointment safe between his thumbs, snap his fingers at the Senate. In truth, he set an extravagant value upon his worth to the nation, and the honor that would be conferred upon it in having so great a general to represent it abroad! His most absorbing thought, then, was how he could make the most speed in getting to the place of his appointment, where he already began to fancy himself committing no end of diplomatic exploits, as a pink and flower of a general ought to do.
And now, feeling the tremendous demands of the nation upon his shoulders, and fancying every eye turned upon him, he drew his chair beside Tickler one day, and spoke as follows: "Friend, you shall know more of me when you have been longer in my service. I have already made you a great man; for as you know by this time, the office of Secretary to my legation is great enough in all conscience. Some men have a stomach for office like a cormorant, which is a serious scourge to the nation. Pray, sir, if you have a turn that way, get rid of it before another moon."
"By my honor, general, I've no such craving; for I was content enough before I saw you to live a poor critic, and never thought of being a Secretary. But tell me, what sort of a king is this we are sent to; for with all my reading I have never heard of him before?"