"Heavens, sir! spare yourself the trouble; for if it be such meat I have been eating, why then, to the priests with it; for I shall soon need a doctor." The priests overheard this remark, and thereupon arose, returned thanks, and retired. The chairman rose as soon as they were gone and made a speech, which he addressed to our hero, and with such clever irony that he sent the whole company into a titter. He congratulated our country on the possession of so famous a diplomatist as General Potter, a gentleman whose name would be a gem in our history, and whose wonderful achievements as a statesman had shed lustre upon our country's fame. "We have accompanied him here in safety; we regret to part with him; but feeling that he will prove himself a faithful sentinel of our country's interests, we devoutly pray that his mission may be an unprecedented round of successes," said he. Indeed, he astonished every one present with his facility for paying compliments, and so confused the general that he was at a loss what to say in reply. In short, he declared government had a rich inheritance in such persons, and was moved by a wise policy in sending abroad gentlemen not encumbered with a whole Babylon of tongues.
When the chairman had finished his speech the general rose with great pomp and circumstance to reply. He cast a wild and confused look about him, and then paused as if to collect his thoughts. "It must not be said of me that making speeches is not one of my functions, for, as your honor knows, I have made a score of them recently; but that which I just now had so pat at my tongue's end, and was just the speech for you, has got right out of my head, which just now feels like a split mountain. What you say of my services to my country is true enough; for I am none of your thieving politicians, but a man who acts under the patronage of honesty, which heaven knows is enough for any patriot. Faith of my father! and I can tell you that these expressions of sincerity and esteem gratify me much, for they are like so many suns and stars in the firmament of my glory-"
"If your excellency would only throw in a little of the Latin," interrupted Mr. Tickler, in a whisper; "such another chance will not offer these three years." But he resumed, heedless of the admonition: "And I would have every man who goes abroad carry his country in his pocket, not forgetting to take it out now and then for the purpose of worship." The speaker here became confused, and after making several ineffectual efforts to continue, settled into his chair and held his peace, as the commander and most of the guests took their departure, much gratified with the evening's entertainment. The general was now left with the officers and his secretary. And these fine young gentlemen were so bent on mischief that they pledged the "ambassador" and Mr. Tickler in bumpers, and with such rapidity that both were soon in a state of stupefaction. And for the nonce they laid the general full length upon the table. Mr. Tickler they placed in a sort of pillory with his hands and feet secured, his face painted most hideously, and the stuffed image of a huge Indian of savage aspect, fronting him, his spear poised.
And now, when it was passed midnight; when every snake in Buzabub had coiled himself up, shut his eyes and gone quietly to sleep; when pestering centipedes, lizards, and cockroaches were gone peaceably to their holes; and not even a monkey winked, lest he disturb the elements, which were hushed into perfect silence,-there might have been seen at the door of the inn no less an animal than old Battle, harnessed to a vehicle quite resembling those hearses used in the villages of New Jersey, and presenting in the pale moonlight a figure both forlorn and ludicrous. And this was further increased by a figure representing Death, mounted upon the poor animal, with his scythe and glass adjusted-the whole presenting a picture of death very like that described in Revelations as seated upon the pale horse. The face of the figure was deathly pale, his raiment was a sheet, and a tall, white cap was on his head; and for the rest he was in his buff. On the hinder part of the vehicle a figure of Time was mounted; while still another, representing the devil, was gravely mounted on a seat in front. Four mischievously-inclined gentlemen now made their appearance, staggering under the weight of our great and wonderful "ambassador," whom they thrust, head-foremost, into the vehicle. Never was minister plenipotentiary handled with so little ceremony: never was so famous a war-horse made to perform such shabby service, to the serious damage of his master's great reputation.
At the word, this curiously-equipped cortege drove rapidly to a great grotto, in which the distinguished dead of Nezub were placed, preparatory to being prayed through purgatory by the priests. And here, having safely secured and barricaded the entrance, General Roger Potter—statesman, philosopher, warrior, and politician—was left to sleep in the company of his faithful horse and the dead.
CHAPTER XLIX.
WHICH TREATS OF WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN THE GENERAL AND HIS SECRETARY GAINED THEIR UNDERSTANDINGS.
LIKE one slowly regaining from a state of stupor, with a generally disordered system and grievously sore bones, the general came to his understanding on the following morning, and to his utter astonishment found himself in a position where he could neither move to the right nor the left. All was dark, and a silence as of the tomb reigned. He had a dim recollection of the banquet; the vagaries of his past life flashed through his mind; the grand achievements he had fancied marking his future dwindled into disappointment. "As I'm a sinner," said he, struggling in vain to extricate himself, "this mission of mine is not all sunshine and feather beds." He now heard the kicking and frisking of his horse, and becoming somewhat alarmed, bawled out at the top of his voice for Father Segong and his secretary. But as his wily secretary was in no condition to come to his relief, even had he been within hearing distance, and the good priest was fast asleep in his chamber, the only reply he got was the echoes of his own bawlings. Mistaking the nature of the sounds, he came to the conclusion that the good priest had turned joker, and was trifling with his misfortunes. Losing his patience, then, he called his elbows into service, and succeeded after much perturbation in escaping feet-foremost from his shell. And as he stood erect upon his feet, a thousand queer fancies again crowded upon his mind and so haunted his imagination that all his courage vanished, and he began to feel in his heart that he had fallen into a trance, and been buried alive by the priests, who had left him in a state of probation until they could find time to pray him through purgatory. He felt and felt about the vehicle and the horse, who was so high of bone that he at once recognized him. "Battle! Battle! my trusty friend!" he exclaimed, almost dissolved in tears, "could I have seen that this was to be our end!" And with these words of condolence he patted him upon the neck until the animal was so deeply moved that he acknowledged the kindness with a neigh that sent all the bats in the grotto to fluttering; the noise of which was like distant thunder, and sent such a thrill of terror to the heart of our warrior that he opened not his mouth for several minutes. Indeed, as his courage had run out, he was upon the eve of giving himself up to despair. But discovering the cause, and suddenly calling to mind that he was a military man, as well as a politician, he regained his courage for the nonce, and feeling for his sword, which, fortunately, he had left at home, declared he would be the death of every bat in the cave.
The writer of this history, duly mindful of the value of truth, and moved by the great regard for that high honor and sincerity which rules at this day, feels constrained here to confess that the general was not without a suspicion that there might be a joke at the bottom of it all. He therefore commenced searching for an opening, but had not proceeded far when a faint gleam of light flashed through a crevice near the entrance, and, to his horror, discovered rows of rude coffins, standing upright, but with the ghastly faces of their inmates exposed, and made more unnatural by a pale glow of light playing over them. "Protect me, O father, protect me, for I am but a weak sinner, at thy mercy," he muttered, and fell upon his knee, as every ounce of his courage left him; several times he essayed to continue his prayer, but as praying was no part of his political creed, and was little practised by military men, his tongue failed to serve him. Sure now that he had been buried alive, he gave out several loud shrieks, and regaining his thoughts, said in a low, supplicating tone, "I acknowledge, O forgiving Lord, to have committed manifold sins, and to have merited the devil and his punishment, since, being a politician, I have told lies enough to sink a kingdom. Forgive me for the many stories I have told. I never was in Mexico, and solemnly declare that if you will be merciful to me, and restore me to my family, that I may not die in this charnel house, to forsake the life of a politician, and so devote myself to doing your will that when the end comes I shall surely be fit for the kingdom of heaven. Yes, merciful and forgiving Lord, there's that story of my first adventure in New York; draw near and forgive me, for I solemnly declare there is not a grain of truth in the whole of it, as you will see by comparing it with the facts of history." Again his tongue failed to serve him in prayer; again he yielded to his doubts; again he commenced shrieking at the very top of his voice. And this proved a most fortunate expedient, for an Indian girl, straying that way, overheard these distressing cries, and surmising that they proceeded from the grotto, hastened to the door, and letting down a little trap, a stream of light was admitted into the cave, when she discovered the general, who as suddenly started to his feet, and forgetting his promises to the angels, ran to the trap, and looking out into a sort of trench, demanded of the girl, (she was running terrified unto death,) that she stop and relieve him from his perilous position. But the girl ran screaming to the inn, and bid the host get to the grotto, "for" said she, in her own tongue, "I saw the devil in it, and he is surely the devil, for my eyes are good, and he looks exactly as father Segong describes him."
The host and several of the officers, swearing to have vengeance of the perpetrators of so foul a deed, hastened to the grotto, tore away the barricades, and affecting great indignation at the insult offered their representative, set him free. Indeed he had no sooner sallied forth than they beset him with offers of assistance to ferret out and hang the robbers, who they had not a doubt were the authors of this grave attempt on his life. They also vied with each other in offering him their regrets, which were bestowed with so much apparent sincerity that he was almost moved to tears, and at once set himself down as a man in no want of warm and true-hearted friends. "Verily, gentlemen, I thought my end was come, but my courage was not shaken a whit; I just resigned myself, for the soldier who fears death deserves a good hanging. But, pray Mr. Landlord, for you are no fool, what sort of a place do you call that! And if you say it was robbers who played me this dirty trick, why, I am content; but I have a notion that the priests know something about it, and in truth took this method of being rid of me, as well as getting a job at praying me into a better world." The general said this with so much simplicity of manner that the officers were astonished at his self-complacency. As to the host, he replied with becoming gravity, assuring the general that it was no trick of the priests, who were good and holy men, but of the Tutack robbers, who came from a neighboring country, and were much given to carrying off travellers of distinction, for whose ransom they demanded large sums. "If you will but give me the name of this country," interposed one of the officers, "we will sail there with the frigate, and take revenge for this insult offered to our representative; yes, we will blow down every town on the seaboard."