[TABLE TALK]
An ingenious gentleman had been showing at a dinner-table how he could cut a pig out of orange peel. A guest who was present tried again and again to do the same, but after strewing the table with the peel of a dozen oranges exclaimed, "Hang the pig! I can't make him." "Why no," said the performer, "you have done more--instead of one pig you have made a litter."
[TROUBLES]
"I'm sorry to see you giving way to drink like this, Pat," said the village priest, "you that were always such a respectable boy, too." "Shure, an' Oi'm obleeged to do it, your 'anner," replied Pat. "Oi have to dhrink to droun me trubles." "H'm," said his interrogator, "and do you succeed in drowning them?" "No, begorra," cried Pat, "shure an' that's the warst uv it. The divvles can shwim!"
[A SOUTHERNER AND SCOTLAND]
A Southerner with no love for Scotland returned from his first trip to the North, and was asked by a Scot if he had not acquired a better opinion of Scotland. What did he now think of it? "That it is a very vile country to be sure," answered the traveller. "Well, sir!" retorted the nettled Scot, "God made it!" "Certainly he did!" came the instant acknowledgment; "but we must always remember that He made it for Scotsmen."
[DRY HUMOUR]
An Irish post-boy having driven a gentleman many miles during torrents of rain, was asked if he was not very wet? "Arrah! I wouldn't care about being very wet, if I wasn't so very dry, your honour."
[THE CHURCH ORGAN]
"Friend Maltby, I am pleased that thou hast got such a fine organ in thy church." "But," said the clergyman, "I thought you were strongly opposed to having an organ in a church?" "So I am," said Friend Obadiah, "but then if thou wilt worship the Lord by machinery, I would like thee to have a first-rate instrument."