An inquisitive onlooker asked, "Have you lost something?" "Yes," was the reply.
Not quite satisfied, the inquisitive one said, "Is it anything important?" "Yes," again came the answer, "I have lost my toffee." "But, surely, the toffee would be useless if you found it, as it would be full of sand." "But my teeth are in it," was the prompt reply.
[THE EMPTY BOTTLE]
In a dark room in an Irish cabin Biddy was searching for the whisky bottle, when her husband enquired, "What is't yer lookin' for?" "Nuthin', Pat," answered Biddy. "Sure," replied the husband, "you'll find it in the bottle where the whisky was."
[H2O]
The elementary class was being instructed in chemistry, and the master, after several lessons, asked: "What is water?" One very young but bright pupil promptly replied: "A colourless fluid that turns black when you wash your hands."
[AN ACCIDENT]
Two Irish porters meeting at Dublin, one addressed the other with, "Och, Thady my jewel, is it you? Are you just come from England? Pray did you see anything of our old friend Pat Murphy?" "The devil a sight," he replied, "and what's worse I'm afraid I never shall." "How so?" "Why he met with a very unfortunate accident lately." "Amazing! What was it?" "Oh, indeed nothing more than this; he was standing on a plank talking devoutly to a priest, at a place in London which I think they call Brixton, when the plank suddenly gave way, and poor Murphy got his neck broke."
[TOUCH HIM UP]
Mackintosh was once taking Parr for a drive when the horse became restive and the scholar became nervous. "Gently, Jemmy," said Parr, "don't irritate him; always soothe your horse, Jemmy. You'll do better without me. Let me down, Jemmy." The horse was stopped enough for the purpose, and no sooner had Parr safely descended than his advice changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up. Never let a horse get the better of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him. And now I'll leave you to manage him--I'll walk home."