[WAR AND TAXES]
Shortly after the commencement of the Peninsular War, a tax was laid on candles, which, as a political economist would prove, made them dearer. A Scotch wife in Greenock remarked to her chandler, Paddy Macbeth, that the price was raised, and asked why? "It's a' awin' to the war," said Paddy. "The war!" said the astonished matron. "Gracious me! are they gaun to fecht by candlelicht?"
[A MODERN ALFRED]
A woman gave her little child a cloth to warm while she was otherwise busied. The child held it to the fire, but so near that it changed colour presently, and began to look like tinder; upon which the child called to its mother, "Mamma, is it done enough when it looks brown?"
[CHARITY ON CREDIT]
A certain rich laird in Fife, whose weekly contribution to the church collection never exceeded one penny, one day, by mistake, dropped into the plate at the door a five-shilling piece; but discovering his error before he was seated in his pew, hurried back, and was about to replace the coin by his customary penny, when the elder in attendance cried out, "Stop, laird, ye may put in what ye like, but ye maun take naething out!" The laird, finding his explanations went for nothing, at last said, "A weel, I suppose I'll get credit for it in heaven." "Na, na, laird," said the elder, "ye'll only get credit for the penny."
[COURTING BY LAMPLIGHT]
The carter was going out with a lantern one evening, when he met the farmer who employed him; he was asked where he was going. "Courting," was the reply. The farmer replied, "You don't want a lantern to go courting with. When I went courting I never took a lantern." "I can quite believe you," said the man, "when I look at your missus!"
[THE INQUISITIVE ONLOOKER]
An old gentleman was observed earnestly looking on the sands, evidently for some object he had lost.