"Well, sir," said the husband, and father, "if you will sit down for a little while, maybe we'll be able to tell you, for that is the very point we are now trying to settle."
[THE BETTER WAY]
A loin of mutton was on a table, and the gentleman opposite to it took the carving knife in hand. "Shall I cut it saddlewise?" he asked. "You had better cut it bridlewise," replied the master of the house, "for then we shall all stand a better chance to get a bit in our mouths."
[A GOOD REASON]
"Janet, I think you hardly behave very respectfully to your own minister in one respect," said the minister of a Scottish church to an inattentive member of his congregation.
"Me, sir," exclaimed Janet, "I wad like to see ony man, no to say ony woman, but yoursel say that o' me! what can you mean, sir?"
"Well, Janet, ye ken when I preach, you're almost always fast asleep before I've well given out my text; but when any of these young men from other parishes preach for me, I see you never sleep a wink. Now, that's what I call no using me as you should do."
"Hoot, sir," was the reply, "is that a'? I'll sune tell you the reason of that. When you preach we a' ken the word of God's safe in your hands; but when these young birkies tak' it in haun, my certie, but it tak's us a' to look after them."
[A NEW TEXT]
A man having been to church and slept through the greater part of the service was asked by his wife on reaching home what text had been used for the sermon. The husband, confused at the question and unwilling to show his ignorance stuttered out, "What profiteth it a man if he lose the whole world and gain his own soul."