Good Form for All Occasions / A Manual of Manners, Dress and Entertainment for Both Men and Women

by Florence Howe Hall

The cards and all the other expenses of the wedding, with a few exceptions mentioned elsewhere, are paid for by the bride’s family.

A home wedding is of necessity a simpler affair than one celebrated at church. According to the good old custom, the clergyman came in first, a place being arranged for him at the head of the room facing the company. The bride and groom then entered arm-in-arm, taking up their position in front of the minister. At the conclusion of the ceremony the latter withdrew to one side and the newly married couple took his place, turning around to receive the congratulations of relatives and friends, those nearest and dearest greeting them first. It has been found convenient, however, to mark off with white ribbon an aisle down which the bride and groom pass. Young girls may hold the four ends, or these may be fastened. The cortège is sometimes a miniature copy of that seen in the church ceremonial. Thus the ushers may lead the procession, a bridesmaid or two entering next, the bride leaning on her father’s arm following them. With this arrangement the groom and best man enter a little beforehand, standing at the left of the clergyman. If the giving away of the bride is to be omitted, the procession may consist of the ushers, the best man, a bridesmaid, and the bride and groom, entering in the order named. There are often no bridesmaids at a house wedding.

The old marriage ceremony is so beautiful, so hallowed by tradition and sentiment, that we are inclined to cling to it, although some of its features are archaic remains of an older civilization. Now that so many women are independent citizens, earning their own living and, in many countries of Europe, as well as in ten States of our Union, voting and holding public office, it seems incongruous to have them “given away in marriage.” Even in conservative England the question of dropping the word “obey” from the service is now being agitated by no lesser personages than the bishops of the Established Church! We read that one of these dignitaries withdrew his motion to this effect because he saw that the ecclesiastical body was not yet ready to pass it.

The church selected for the wedding is usually the one which the bride and her family attend. If this is not large enough to hold the guests, another belonging to the same denomination is sometimes preferred. If the groom lives in the same town as the bride, he calls upon the clergyman and secures his services for the time when the ceremony is to be performed. If the fiancé lives at a distance, it may be more convenient to have the arrangement made by the bride’s family. In either event the groom pays the clergyman’s fee. This varies in amount with the former’s means and with the scale on which the whole affair is conducted. Since the question is left to his honor as a gentleman, he should surely reimburse the minister in a manner suited to his own dignity and to that of the occasion. It is in the worst possible taste to lavish money on decorating the sacred office in a resplendent manner and then repay its hospitality by handing its official head a small and wholly inadequate sum. For a large and handsome wedding the organist receives twenty-five dollars and the clergyman should be given fifty dollars. If the bridegroom is a rich man, he sometimes doubles this sum. For a small and quiet wedding, the fee would vary from ten to twenty-five dollars. Five dollars is said to be the minimum. The fee is inclosed in an envelope and handed to the best man. It may consist of gold, new bank-bills, or a check. The last-named has obvious advantages, for an absent-minded best man sometimes forgets to give the missive to the clergyman. Gold pieces are often preferred, however, since the old English custom prescribed that the groom should lay these and the wedding-ring on the open prayer-book held by the clergyman. The bridegroom also pays for the ring. If the wedding is to take place at church, he provides the conveyance which will take him and the best man there, bringing the latter to the bride’s house for the reception or breakfast. Should the weather be bad or the distance so great as to call for carriages for the ushers, he provides these also, as well as the carriage in which he and the bride start on their honeymoon trip. He has no other expenses connected with the wedding, except the bouquets, souvenirs, etc., spoken of elsewhere.

The sexton, organist, and florist should all be notified in good season. The former will, if it is requested, have an awning and carpet between the church door and the curb. For a large wedding he will need assistants to open the doors of the vehicles as they drive up, to receive the cards of admission, to keep the line moving so that the street will not be blocked, to call the carriages afterward, and to protect the entrance from too great pressure by the admiring onlookers. The Press has had some sad stories about the rude behavior, the pushing and crowding of the multitude, when certain much-advertised weddings took place. Such rudeness is greatly to be deplored. It occurs to the philosopher that a simple and easy way to avoid the presence of these ill-bred throngs would be to have the religious ceremony conducted in a quieter and simpler manner. Men and women, particularly the latter, are always anxious to behold a much-heralded spectacle. The organist should be told of the musical selections made by the bride. Sometimes he plays a subdued accompaniment during the marriage ceremony. According to a pleasant modern custom, the flowers are sent from the church to hospitals after the wedding. Some competent person is specially employed to attend to this distribution.

It is contrary both to good manners and to the laws of the land to have any rehearsal of the marriage ceremony. One of the procession often takes place a day or two in advance. The head usher sets the pace, which should be rather slow, but not funereal. A young girl who was given away in marriage by her grandfather not long ago was heard to whisper to the latter, as they went up the aisle, “Not so fast, grandpa! Not so fast!” If the bride dislikes the idea of taking part in the rehearsal, she may be replaced by a friend.

The head usher may be called the master of ceremonies at the church. He or one of his assistants should be there early to see that everything is properly arranged. All the ushers should be in their places three-quarters of an hour or more before the time named for the wedding. They stand at the entrance to the aisles and escort the guests to the seats assigned them. Formerly a barrier of white ribbon or flowers marked off the seats in the middle aisle reserved for the relatives and special friends. It is now thought better not to fence off the aisle in this way, but simply to indicate the division by means of a bow or a bunch of flowers.

If the guests have cards on which their names or the numbers of the pews they are to occupy are written, they do not give these up at the door, but retain them to show to the usher. Where there are no such cards for his guidance, he inquires the name and consults his list or his memory. If he is not sure on which side the guest belongs, he asks whether the latter is a friend of the bride or of the groom. The head usher, who is stationed in the middle aisle, usually has some acquaintance with most of the chief guests.

The groom and best man arrive in good season, remaining in the vestry or robing-room until after the clergyman has appeared upon the scene. They then emerge from their concealment and stand at the back of the chancel, waiting for the arrival of the bridal cortège. The bride’s mother does not form part of this, but is escorted to her place by an usher shortly before its appearance. In the mean time the bridesmaids repair in their carriages to the house of the bride, in order that all may start together for the church. She and her father should be ready at the hour agreed upon, their carriage bringing up the rear of the little procession. As it approaches the church, the ushers close in the pews of the middle aisle by carrying a white ribbon down either side of it. This should not be removed until the bridal party has driven away at the conclusion of the ceremony. As the carriages of the bridal party appear, the ushers see that all doors are closed from the vestibule into the church, as well as those leading into the street, excepting that by which the cortège is to enter. The head bridesmaid, or the maid of honor, spreads out the bride’s train, unless this is done by a special attendant.

The procession then forms, the doors of the central aisle are thrown open, and the organist plays the wedding march. The ushers come first, walking in pairs; the bridesmaids follow, then the maid of honor, and last of all the bride with her father. The bridegroom comes forward, takes the bride’s hand, and leads her before the clergyman. Half the bridesmaids and ushers now turn to the left and take up their places near the bridal couple, the other half do the same on the right, the girls standing on the inside, the men on the outside. If there is a maid of honor, she should be at the bride’s left; if there is none, then the first bridesmaid takes this position in order to help her friend pull off her left glove when the ring is to be put on, to remove the veil from her face at the close of the ceremony, and to see that her train is properly arranged as she starts to walk down the aisle.